


Truth or Dare

by pupeez4eva



Series: Truth or Dare [1]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: Gen, Humor, Misunderstandings, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 43,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6606463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuhyun, Minho and Changmin decide to play a game of truth or dare. The goals? Don't let anyone find out. Inflict complete and utter humiliation. Do not lose - seriously. Do. Not. Lose.</p><p>...Obviously it's not long before it all descends into complete and utter chaos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It All Begins

Minho sighed loudly and stared blankly at the ceiling, his fingers tapping incessantly on the floorboards. Changmin glanced at him, his eyes twitching at the sound.

 

“Alright,” Minho sighed, “tell me I’m not the only one who’s bored out of my mind right now.”

 

“Nope,” Changmin responded, “you’re not the only one.”

 

“I don’t know what your talking about,” Kyuhyun interrupted, his eyes glued to the screen of his laptop. His face was illuminated by the glaring light projected from his game.

 

Minho and Changmin exchanged glances, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

 

“I think we should do something,” Minho said. Kyuhyun made no move to respond; his fingers smashed repeatedly across the keyboard.

 

“Kyu,” Minho pressed.

 

“Why?” Kyuhyun asked, sounding slightly irritated.

 

“Because you invited us here, that’s why!” Minho responded, frustration coating his words. “So put the damn game away and entertain us!”

 

“In a minute,” Kyuhyun murmured. “I’m nearly done.”

 

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past four hours,” Changmin muttered.

 

“Kyuhyun!” Minho snapped. “Seriously, we’ve been hanging around for god knows how long! Let’s do something!”

 

“I _said_ one minute!”

 

Minho clenched his jaw, turning his attention towards Changmin. “How long before we can go back to our dorms?” he demanded.

 

“We can’t,” Changmin responded dejectedly. “This is a sleepover, remember?”

 

“...Oh shit.”

 

_“DAMMIT!”_

 

Both Minho and Changmin jumped at the sound of Kyuhyun’s sudden exclamation, their eyes wide.

 

_“KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED VOICES DOWN, SOME PEOPLE NEED THEIR BEAUTY SLEEP!”_

 

They jumped again (this time Kyuhyun joined in) at the sound of Heechul’s murderous screech.

 

“Dammit!” Kyuhyun cursed, his eyes wide. “Heechul-hyung - _damn_ him!”

 

“Sure, as long as you keep your voice down,” Changmin told him.

 

“He made me press the wrong button! _I lost!”_

 

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Minho said, though his voice portrayed the complete opposite. “Now can we do something else?”

 

“Wha - no!” Kyuhyun shook his head rapidly. “I have to play again! I can’t end on such a bad note - it’s bad luck I tell you!”

 

Minho’s eyes flashed dangerously. 

 

“I say we play a game,” Changmin suggested. “...One that isn’t electronic,” he added, eyeing his friend’s laptop nervously.

 

Kyuhyun frowned. “Did you not hear me -?”

 

“Shut up Kyu,” Minho told him, before turning to face Changmin. “What do you have in mind?”

 

“Well -”

 

“Hold on a second.” Reaching out, Minho slammed the lid of Kyuhyun’s laptop down, giving the Super Junior maknae a warning glare. “I _swear_ if you touch this again, I’m throwing it out a window.”

 

Kyuhyun’s eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t.”

 

Minho rolled his eyes. “Watch me.”

 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Kyuhyun spat. “You _know_ that you’d have to face the wrath of the evil maknae if you did!”

 

Minho snorted. “Please, I’ve been living with Taemin for years.”

 

Both of his friends stared at him.

 

“What?” Minho scoffed, “you think it’s all rainbows and sparkles under that cute-as-a-button exterior?”

 

“Yes,” was the response he received.

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

“Okay fine,” Kyuhyun sighed (not before shooting a mournful look at his laptop), glancing at his two best friends. “What do you have in mind?”

 

Minho frowned. “Uh...”

 

“Truth or dare!” Changmin announced, his expression lighting up. The responses he received were disbelieving stares.

 

“Changmin,” Kyuhyun said, slowly. “Do we _look_ like a bunch of school girls having a little slumber party?”

 

“Uh...” Changmin stared blankly at his pajama-clad friends. “Um...”

 

“We aren’t playing truth or dare.” Kyuhyun settled back. “Next suggestion.”

 

“Actually,” Minho interjected, “that might not be such a bad idea...”

 

Kyuhyun stared at him through narrowed eyes,

 

“No really!” the rapper insisted. “I mean, think about it -”

 

“Truth or dare sucks,” Kyuhyun interrupted. “Truth in particular - who wants to know about who Changmin’s first date was, or whether or not I find Seohyun from Girls Generation hot -”

 

_“Do_ you?” Changmin asked, curiously.

 

“You’ll never know, since we aren’t playing that game.”

 

“Oh come on!” Minho pressed. “We’ll make sure it’s better than that!” His expression lit up, excitement rapidly taking over. “We can make up dares that are really extreme - and we can have consequences for the loser -”

 

Kyuhyun frowned slightly. “How do you have a loser in truth or dare?”

 

“Let’s come up with some rules,” Minho suggested.

 

Kyuhyun’s head snapped towards him. “Wha - why? We aren’t even playing!”

 

Minho rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore his friend’s exclamation. “What does the loser have to do?”

 

“Don’t ignore me.” Kyuhyun growled, looking slightly irritated. After a brief pause he sighed, saying, “fine, if you insist on playing that stupid game, the loser has to do something utterly humiliating, that they can never, _ever_ recover from.”

 

“You sound pretty confident,” Changmin snorted.

 

“Of course I do,” Kyuhyun responded firmly. “I’m used to winning.”

 

“This isn’t StarCraft Kyu,” Changmin pointed out.

 

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, not the slightest bit perturbed. “I’m a born winner.”

 

“Well, so am I,” Minho responded, narrowing his eyes.

 

“Well then,” Kyuhyun smirked, “I guess Changmin is going to lose.”

 

“Wha - hey!” Said male frowned, looking offended. “I’m a born winner too!”

 

“I say we film the whole thing,” Kyuhyun suggested, ignoring his friend’s defensive exclamation. “Whoever loses has to show _their_ dares to their bandmates.”

 

“Changmin only has one bandmate.”

 

“Hey!” Changmin cried, glaring at Minho. “Why the hell am I the victim right now?!”

 

“What? It’s the truth! You only have one bandmate!”

 

“You know,” Kyuhyun said, slowly, “you could always ring up Jaejoong-hyung, Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung -”

 

Changmin cut him off with a simple, “no.”

 

“ - Or you could send them the footage -”

 

“No.”

 

Minho snorted, looking amused. “They haven’t seen him in years - I’m sure they’d _love_ to see him dancing naked across their tv screen.”

 

Changmin choked, looking horrified. “Clothes stay on for all dares!” he cried.

 

“Okay _fine!”_ Kyuhyun groused. “Since Changmin ruined that last brilliant idea -”

 

“Kyu, I am seriously going to slap you,” the DBSK member warned.

 

“ - how about we show it to all our bandmates - er, slash bandmate.” Kyuhyun eyed Changmin for a moment. “...And then show our managers as well, and -” 

 

He paused for dramatic effect.

 

“ - Lee Soo Man!”

 

There was a moment of dead silence.

 

“...Are you out of your mind?!” Minho cried, disbelief oozing through his words.

 

Kyuhyun smirked. “Why?” he inquired, “do you think you’re going to lose?”

 

“No!” Minho snapped. “Just... _Lee Soo Man!”_

 

“Yes.”

 

“...You know, on second thought, I don’t think calling JYJ would be such a bad idea.” Changmin let out a nervous laugh.

 

“Too bad,” Kyuhyun responded. “It’s already done. One of you guys will be showing that footage -”

 

“Your confidence astounds me,” Minho cut him off. “I’m seriously going to be in hysterics if you lose.”

 

“And I’ll be in hysterics _when_ you lose,” Kyuhyun responded.

 

“And _I_ think we really need to get a move on,” Changmin interrupted. “Tell me, how exactly _does_ someone lose in this game?”

 

They thought for a moment.

 

“If you refuse to do a dare or answer a question then that’s an automatic lose,” Minho stated.

 

“Yes, but what if no one refuses?”

 

“How about this?” Kyuhyun leant back, smirking slightly. _“No one_ is allowed to find out about this game. They can think that we’ve lost our minds, that we’ve discovered a new way of life - I don’t care, as long as it has nothing to do with truth or dare. If anyone finds out, the person responsible for tipping them off, whether intentionally or not, is the loser of the game.”

 

Minho and Changmin nodded their heads.

 

Kyuhyun’s smirk grew. “Brilliant - and now we are ready.”

 

“Wait!” Minho interrupted. “What are the rules?”

 

“There are none,” Kyuhyun responded impatiently. “Let’s go!”

 

Changmin sighed loudly. “What the hell have we gotten ourselves into...”

 

“Who’s going first?” Minho questioned. “I’ll say the first dare.”

 

“Or truth,” Changmin piped in.

 

Minho snorted. “Yeah,” he agreed sarcastically, “if anyone’s wimpy enough to say truth.”

 

“Actually,” Changmin interjected, “I’d say truth would be worse. Imagine having all your deepest secrets recorded on footage, present for anyone’s viewing for the rest of eternity?”

 

“Dramatic aren’t you?” Kyuhyun muttered.

 

“...I’ll say the first truth or dare,” Minho amended. “Which one of you wants it?”

 

“I will,” Kyuhyun responded. “Let’s see what you can come up with.”

 

“Okay then -”

 

“Wait!” Changmin quickly pulled out his phone and started recording. “Okay, now go.”

 

“Bet I can handle anything you throw at me,” Kyuhyun challenged cockily.

 

“...I dare you to throw your laptop out a window.”

 

There was a moment of silence.

 

“...You’re insane.” The confident smirk had vanished almost instantly from the older male’s face. “I’m out of this.”

 

“If you leave now it means you forfeit the game,” Minho pointed out. “That means you lose.”

 

Kyuhyun snorted. “Oh sure,” he said sarcastically, “and what exactly are you going to do? Show the non-existent footage to my bandmates? Oh I’m _so_ scared!”

 

Changmin coughed. “He does have a point...”

 

“I always knew you had no backbone,” Minho snorted.

 

“Shut up,” Kyuhyun snapped.

 

Minho’s eyes narrowed, not perturbed in the slightest. “God Kyu, you little chicken.”

 

“Been spending too much time with Onew?” Kyuhyun grumbled.

 

“We live together you idiot,” Minho snorted. “But that’s beside the point - the point is, if you leave now, what sort of man are you?”

 

“More of a man than you!” Kyuhyun shot back.

 

“Oh please,” Minho snorted. From a corner Changmin watched silently, wondering why things always seemed to fall to hell. “Your _mum_ is more of a man than you!”

 

Kyuhyun gaped at him.

 

“Uh...” Minho coughed awkwardly. “I probably shouldn’t have said that...”

 

“Minho!” Changmin cried, indignant on Kyuhyun’s behalf. “Take that back - Mrs. Cho is a very lovely woman!”

 

“I said I shouldn’t have said that!” Minho cried defensively. “Besides, I didn’t mean to insult _her -”_

 

_“Your_ mum is more of a man than you!”

 

Minho let out a frustrated cry. “I _said_ I was sorry!”

 

_“And_ your grandma!”

 

“Kyu!” Changmin hissed.

 

“Yeah, well,” Minho bit out, “your sister is more of a man than you!”

 

“Minho!” Changmin snapped. “Come on, both of you, knock it out -”

 

_“TAEMIN_ is more of a man than you!”

 

Minho gaped, while Changmin mentally smashed his head on a wall. 

 

“You take that back!” Minho snapped.

 

“No,” Kyuhyun responded, smirking.

 

“Taemin is _not_ more of a man than me!” Minho clenched his teeth, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Have you _seen_ the length of his hair?!”

 

“Taemin skydives.”

 

Both Kyuhyun and Minho paused their argument, staring blankly at Changmin.

 

Changmin shrugged. “Which one of us can skydive?”

 

Silence.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“...Moving on.” Kyuhyun turned his attention back to Minho. “I’m not a wimp in any way or form. And to prove it -” He paused, staring at his laptop, apprehension written all over his face.

 

Minho smirked.

 

“Er...” Kyuhyun looked pained. “Do I really need to do this?”

 

Minho’s only response was to smirk wider.

 

Kyuhyun sighed, picking up his most cherished object. He stared at it for a long moment, looking like he wanted to cry.

 

Then, with a slight moan, he flung it at the window.

 

It slammed against the glass and fell onto the floor.

 

“Uh...” Changmin coughed. “You might want to actually open the window...”

 

“I can’t do it again!” Kyuhyun argued. “It was hard enough the first time!”

 

With an irritated huff, Minho walked over to the window and wrenched it open. “There,” he said. “Do it.”

 

Kyuhyun stared blankly for a few moments. His friends stared at him, faces expectant.

 

Bending down, the evil maknae grasped his laptop in his hands, staring down at it with mournful eyes. With a loud sigh he closed his eyes and flung it at the window.

 

“You missed,” Minho ground out.

 

Kyuhyun opened his eyes; the laptop lay on the ground.

 

“Huh,” he said. “So I did - well then, maybe this is a sign. It doesn’t want to die yet -”

 

“Kyu, just throw the laptop out!” Changmin sighed exasperatedly.

 

“I’m trying!” 

 

_“Kyu!”_

 

“Geez, fine!” Kyuhyun picked the laptop again and, this time with his eyes open, flung it out the open window.

 

Much to his distress, it actually met it’s target this time around.

 

“There - I did it,” he choked, his voice wavering. “It’s done -”

 

Changmin squinted at him. “Are those tears in your eyes?”

 

Kyuhyun opened his mouth, ready to defend himself.

 

_“WHAT THE HELL -? SOME FREAKING LAPTOP JUST HIT ME ON THE HEAD!”_

 

Kyuhyun paled at the sound of Kangin’s furious yell.

 

“Oh shit,” he muttered, his former distress replaced with utter horror. He quickly slammed the window shut, backing away from it as if it were diseased.

 

“What the hell is Kangin-hyung doing outside in the middle of the night?” Changmin asked, frowning slightly.

 

“The hell if I know,” Kyuhyun responded. “Do you think I want to be punched?” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “So, now it’s my turn to -”

 

“You know,” Changmin interrupted, “maybe we should wait until tomorrow before we continue.”

 

Kyuhyun inhaled sharply. “What?”

 

Changmin shrugged. “I’m just saying, it’s the middle of the night - it’s not like we can do much right now, everyone’s sleeping.”

 

“If we could bludgeon Kangin with Kyu’s laptop, I’m pretty sure there are things we could do,” Minho pointed out.

 

“...You interrupted my game for this,” Kyuhyun muttered, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

 

“It’s not like you can go back to it now,” Minho said, smirking widely.

 

If looks could kill, Minho would be long gone.

 

“We’ll go to sleep now and then do some more tomorrow,” the rapper said, ignoring the death stare being directed his way. “How does that sound?”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“Sure,” Changmin responded, nodding his head.

 

“I’ll make you suffer tomorrow Minho, just you wait,” Kyuhyun hissed.

 

Minho rolled his eyes. “You have to give _Changmin_ a dare.”

 

Kyuhyun glared. “No.”

 

“What do you mean -? _Yes._ I asked you, so you have to ask him - it doesn’t work if it’s all over the place!”

 

“This game doesn’t have any rules. You said so yourself.”

 

“Goddammit, just give me the dare!” Changmin snapped.

 

“But -”

 

_“Kyu!”_

 

“Fine!” Kyuhyun’s expression still promised immense pain. “But soon I’ll be getting my _REVENGE!”_

 

_“WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!”_ Heechul screamed.


	2. The Lead-Up to Changmin's Hell

** Excerpt: **

 

** “...You know when you push really hard for something, and then when you finally get it, you realize that it was a big mistake to want it in the first place?” **

 

**...**

 

“Hey Sungmin-hyung?” Ryeowook said, his eyes fixated on the stove in front of him as he spoke. “How come you didn’t sleep in your own room yesterday?”

 

“Kyu had Minho and Changmin over last night,” Sungmin responded. “Do you think I wanted to deal with those lunatics?”

 

“They wouldn’t shut up,” Heechul snarled, a look of contempt plastered across his face. “Just _look_ at the circles under my eyes - if they don’t go away before the photo-shoot today, Kyuhyun’s a dead man.”

 

Sungmin opened his mouth to respond (he wasn’t really sure if he should defend his friend or not, seeing as he _had_ kind of been evicted from his own room the previous night) when Kangin burst into the room, a murderous expression plastered on his face.

 

“Who the _hell_ threw that laptop at my head last night?” he demanded, his voice promising immense pain.

 

“I barely even use my laptop!” Sungmin cried defensively. It was best to establish his innocence before Kangin completely lost it - after all, the other male could probably crush him with little to no effort. Sungmin silently cursed his overly-feminine figure.

 

“Kyu’s the one who constantly uses his laptop,” Ryeowook pointed out. Like Sungmin, he too was eager to shift the blame onto someone else (it wasn’t like he was being a bad friend or anything; he just wanted to preserve his own life).

 

“Kill Kyuhyun,” Heechul said, moodily staring down at the table. In contrast to Ryeowook, he was more concerned about revenge than his own personal safety.

 

Kangin snorted. “You think _Kyuhyun_ threw his laptop at me?” Sarcasm dripped from his words. “Get real. This is one thing we can’t blame the evil maknae for.”

 

“What can’t you blame me for?” Kyuhyun inquired, wandering idly into the kitchen.

 

“Someone threw a laptop out the window last night,” Kangin told him, clearly irritated. “Stupid thing hit me on the head.”

 

Kyuhyun paled.

 

“I’d be smashing your face in right now if it were anything but a laptop,” Kangin added. “I know it couldn’t possibly be you.”

 

Kyuhyun let out a high-pitched, nervous laugh. “Yeah...” His eyes sparked suddenly, his previous fear replaced with a sudden need to be his usual evil self.

 

“You know,” he said, trying to hide his obvious amusement, “you should speak to Eunhyuk-hyung. I’ve heard he’s been pretty frustrated with his laptop lately...”

 

Kangin’s eyes darkened.

 

Kyuhyun inwardly cackled with glee.

 

“Here’s your breakfast,” Ryeowook said, placing a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his friend. 

 

“Hey Kyu,” Sungmin said, “where are Changmin and Minho?”

 

“Oh...” Kyuhyun smirked. “They...had to leave early...” He snickered lightly.

 

Sungmin let out a loud sigh, concerned for the safety of the two in question.

 

“Do you see any dark circles?” Heechul asked, squinting to see his face in the reflection of the oven door. “Dammit, I can’t have dark circles, we have that stupid photo-shoot! I’m supposed to be the best looking one!”

 

“You know,” Ryeowook argued, “technically you aren’t the _only_ visual of this group -”

 

“Shut up,” Heechul snapped, cutting him off. “The rest were pity votes.”

 

Kyuhyun let out a loud cough, looking amused.

 

The sound of cursing captured the attention of all those present in the room; they turned their attention to the doorway of the kitchen just in time to see Changmin storm through.

 

“Kyuhyun, you arse,” Minho snarled, following close behind. “You locked us in your goddamn room!”

 

Kyuhyun snapped up, a scowl plastered across his face. “Who let you out?” he demanded. He had hoped that his (rather weak, he had to admit) revenge would last for much longer. Preferably long enough for at least one of the two to die of starvation...

 

“I did,” Siwon said, wandering into the room. He paused, startled by the venomous stare being directed his way. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, warily.

 

Changmin sighed loudly. “Is this payback for the -?”

 

_“So_ ,” Kyuhyun said, cutting off the other male before he could continue. “Did you hear about how _Eunhyuk-hyung -”_ He shot the two a warning stare - “dropped his laptop on Kangin-hyung's head?”

 

“...Eunhyuk-hyung?” Changmin stared, blankly.

 

“Yeah I know,” Kyuhyun responded, “how much does that suck, huh? Wasting a perfectly good laptop - doesn’t that just make you want to _bludgeon him over the head?!_ ” He let out a loud laugh, taking a large mouthful of his breakfast.

 

“Or you know,” he added, ignoring the startled stares being direction his way, “whoever may have _influenced_ him to do so?!”

 

There was an awkward pause.

 

“...Kyu,” Ryeowook said, hesitantly, “your breakfast is getting cold...”

 

...

 

Being crammed in-between Kyuhyun and Heechul, Sungmin decided, really wasn’t fun, seeing as the former was currently glaring moodily out the window, and the latter was glaring moodily at his compact mirror.

 

“That’s a lot of concealer your using,” he said awkwardly, glancing uncertainly at Heechul.

 

“Dark circles,” was the only answer he received.

 

Sungmin frowned. “Yes but -”

 

_“No_ Sungmin.”

 

“You think that’s bad?” Kangin grumbled from the seat in front of them. “I have a goddamn bruise on my forehead that’s the size of that asshole Eunhyuk’s big head!”

 

“For the last time, I did _not_ throw a laptop at your head!” Eunhyuk cried.

 

“Would you all keep it down?!” their manager snarled from the front seat of the van. “You aren’t a bunch of kids for gods sake!”

 

“Don’t use God’s name in vain.”

 

Their manager winced, forcing himself not to snap back. _“Thank you_ for that Siwon,” he ground out.

 

Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Sungmin, stop annoying Heechul.”

 

“What?!” Sungmin cried. “I’m not!”

 

“Heechul,” he said, choosing to ignore the indignant exclamation, “stop playing with that makeup; Kangin, stop insulting Eunhyuk; Eunhyuk, take responsibility for your own actions -”

 

_“I haven’t done anything wrong!”_

 

“ - and Leeteuk, for godsake, you’re the leader - _deal_ with this!”

 

From the passenger seat, Leeteuk snorted. “Do I look like I’m insane?”

 

Their manager took a deep breath, his gaze focusing on the rearview mirror; he immediately let out a frustrated sigh.

 

“Kyuhyun,” he almost moaned, _“why_ are you smiling like that?”

 

Kyuhyun’s smirk grew wider. “No reason.”

 

“Kyu -” Shaking his head, the manager decided that it was _much_ too early to deal with all of this.

 

Kyuhyun let out a soft laugh; the reason he was currently feeling so gleeful was due to the fact that, after hours of brainstorming, he had _finally_ come up with the perfect dare for Changmin. Sure, it was Minho like he had wanted - friend or not, he would have made the rapper _suffer -_ but he was pretty good at deflecting his anger at everyone around him.

 

Reaching into his pocket and grasping his phone, Kyuhyun eagerly pulled it out and scrolled through his contacts list, pausing when his eyes finally zeroed in on Changmin’s name. Smirking evilly, he typed his message into the space provided, hoping to provide his friend with an inkling of the hell that was to come.

 

He put his phone away, letting out a loud, gleeful cackle. The others in the car flinched at the sound of it, hoping like hell that they weren’t the victims of whatever had motivated such an evil sound.

 

...

 

“So,” Yunho said, dragging his eyes away from the television screen in order to focus on his fellow DBSK member. “How were Kyuhyun and Minho?”

 

Changmin made no move to respond.

 

“Changmin?”

 

“...You know when you push really hard for something, and then when you finally get it, you realize that it was a big mistake to want it in the first place?”

 

“Er...” Yunho blinked, unsure of how to answer.

 

“Yeah...” Changmin sighed loudly. “I can’t really go into detail about this because...well, I can’t tell you that either...yeah...”

 

“Changmin, you aren’t making any sense,” Yunho said slowly, unsure of whether or not to be concerned.

 

“Yeah...” Changmin sighed loudly. “I can’t tell you why I’m not making any sense.”

 

“Then what can you tell me?” the elder asked, growing more confused by the second.

 

“...Nothing.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yup.”

 

Yunho stared at him, trying to formulate _some_ sort of response; after a few moments of grappling at nothing he decided to simply give up. He turned his attention back to the television.

 

Changmin frowned as he felt his phone vibrate, signaling the arrival of a new text message. Pulling it out he glanced down at it, feeling slightly apprehensive when he saw who the sender was. His eyes widened as he read the message.

 

“Changmin?” Yunho glanced at him. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Er, nothing!” Changmin stammered. “It’s just...a funny joke...”

 

The maknae glanced down at his phone again, his eyes repeatedly scanning over the message: _“Have you ever had the talk?”_

 

What did that even _mean?_

 

“Er, Changmin,” Yunho forced himself to say, “you’re acting really strange -”

 

The phone vibrated again; Changmin glanced down.

 

_‘You must be wondering - what talk?’_

 

“No,” Changmin muttered, “I’m really not...”

 

“Not what?”

 

“Nothing, nothing,” he hurriedly said. “Er...I’m going to go upstairs, okay?” He pulled himself off the sofa and walked briskly to the staircase.

 

“Wait!” Yunho protested. “I thought we were watching this?”

 

“Yeah, you do that,” Changmin absently responded. “I’m just going to -”

 

Another text. Changmin sighed, bracing himself for the worst. He glanced down.

 

_‘The sexual kind of talk.’_

 

He flushed deeply and rushed up the staircase. His fingers slammed against the buttons of his phone, eyes narrowed as he formulated his response.

 

_‘Kyu’,_ he typed, _‘what the HELL are you talking about?!’_

 

...

 

Kyuhyun glanced down at his phone as he felt it vibrate, a smirk forming as his eyes scanned over the text that had just arrived.

 

_‘You’ll find out soon enough,’_ he typed, letting out a loud cackle as he did.

 

Everyone jumped, shooting him wary glances.

 

“Dammit!” Heechul, who had fallen asleep, leapt up in alarm. He shot Kyuhyun a furious stare. “I’m trying to get some sleep!”

 

“That’s not going to make the dark circles disappear,” Siwon said, slightly amused.

 

Heechul snorted. “I suppose you’re about to suggest that I pray instead?”

 

Siwon frowned. “You know,” he said, “I do more than just pray.”

 

“Yeah!” Kyuhyun agreed, smirking. “You stand around all day and look pretty.”

 

Rather than looking offended, Siwon seemed incredibly flattered. 

 

“That wasn’t a compliment,” Kyuhyun added, hoping to establish the fact that his comment had in fact been an insult.

 

_“I’m_ the pretty one!” Heechul snarled.

 

From the drivers seat, their manager gripped the steering wheel tightly.


	3. The Talk

“Oh this is perfect...” Kyuhyun snickered, scribbling eagerly on a sheet of paper. “Changmin, you will _suffer...”_

 

Glancing over at him and, almost dreading the answer, Ryeowook asked, “Kyuhyun... _what_ are you doing?”

 

Kyuhyun didn’t bother to wipe the smirk off his face, responding with a simple, “nothing you need to worry about.”

 

Ryeowook stared at him for a long moment before nervously walking away.

 

With another snicker, Kyuhyun continued his work. His eyes scanned over the words scrawled on the page and he nodded his head, pleased with what he saw. 

 

In Kyuhyun’s opinion, his dare for Changmin was simply _perfect._ He’d tell the DBSK maknae - who had no possible way to refuse, something which gave Kyuhyun an _extreme_ amount of pleasure - to ask a bandmate to give him the talk.

 

_‘Tell me what sex is.’_

 

He smirked, rereading the words he had just scribbled down. The page in front of him contained the beginnings of the transcript he had prepared for Changmin; after all, he couldn’t have his friend saying _whatever_ he wanted - that could potentially diminish the extent of pain he could inflict.

 

“Kyuhyun!” He bit back a sigh at the sound of his manager’s voice. “Wipe that smirk off your face and come here!”

 

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and placed the book on the floor, hurrying over to where his manager was impatiently waiting. He passed Leeteuk on the way, the other looking slightly flustered from having to stand in front of the camera for most of the morning.

 

Leeteuk sighed and wondered over to where he had dumped his things, his eyes searching for his water bottle. He picked it up and absently sipped from it, his gazed flickering around the room. He briefly gazed at a book which had been thrown on the floor; a moment he paused and shifted his gaze back to it, his eyes running over the page.

 

_‘...What?’_

 

Yesung and Kangin hurried over as Leeteuk doubled over, choking on the water that he had just swallowed. Yesung thumped him on the back, his eyes wide and concerned.

 

“Are you alright?” he asked the older male.

 

Leeteuk shook his head, pointing at the book, a horrified expression on his face.

 

Kangin glanced down at it, his eyes widening in surprise as he caught sight of the words written on the page.

 

“Uh...”

 

“Whose book is that?” Leeteuk demanded, once he had finally managed to regain control of his lungs.

 

“Pretty sure I saw Kyuhyun writing in it,” Yesung responded, his voice hesitant. 

 

At this, Leeteuk appeared even more horrified.

 

“...What?” Yesung frowned and glanced down at the offending item; his eyes widened as he realized exactly _what_ the other two males were so shocked about. “...Oh...”

 

“...Are you sure it doesn’t belong to Sungmin?” 

 

Leeteuk and Yesung turned to stare at Kangin; the other male shrugged defensively.

 

“What? It’s more likely than _Kyuhyun.”_

 

...

 

Minho glanced down at the name displayed across the screen of his phone: Changmin. He pressed the ‘answer’ button, holding the phone to his ear.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked curiously.

 

“I just wanted to ask you if Kyu’s been sending you any strange texts,” Changmin responded, sounding, to Minho’s ears, slightly miserable.

 

Minho frowned slightly. “Strange texts?”

 

Taemin, who was seated beside him, glanced up, looking curious. Minho simply shook his head at him.

 

Changmin let out a sigh. “I’m guessing that means no...” There was a brief moment of silence. “...Minho?” the older male asked at last.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did we make any rules for this thing?”

 

Minho thought for a moment. “...No,” he said at least.

 

“...Why the hell did we do that?”

 

Minho frowned, shifting the phone slightly in order to shift into a more comfortable position. “I don’t get it,” he said, ensuring that whatever he said would not be considered suspicious (after all, the last thing he needed was Taemin catching wind of their game). “What’s wrong?”

 

“Just...” Changmin let out a loud sigh. “...The texts that Kyu’s been sending me...they’ve kind of been...freaking me out a bit.” He sounded vaguely uncomfortable. “...I mean, in the last one, he texted me...one word...”

 

Minho raised one eyebrow, asking, “what was that?”

 

“...Sex.”

 

Minho choked.

 

“Yup,” Changmin muttered, miserably, before hanging up the phone; Minho gaped at it for a few moments.

 

“Hyung?” Taemin sounded concerned. “Is everything alright?”

 

Minho glanced at his dongsaeng’s face, the pure and utter _innocence_ projected from it, and felt guilty even _thinking_ about that...word around him. 

 

“Changmin just wanted to tell me that Kyuhyun’s been tormenting him,” he responded, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“Oh!” Taemin smiled brightly, nodding his head in understanding. “Nothing unusual then!”

 

...

 

“I can’t ask Yunho-hyung to give me the talk!” Changmin hissed.

 

Kyuhyun leaned back, feeling extremely proud of himself; the three friends had gathered in the DBSK dorm following all their respective activities, as per Kyuhyun’s instructions. Changmin, having just heard his dare, flushed deep red, clearly uncomfortable in the given situation.

 

“Correction,” Kyuhyun grinned, “you don’t _want_ to. Just like I didn’t _want_ to become a murderer - but we don’t always get a choice do we?”

 

Minho raised one eyebrow, wondering if he should be concerned. “A murderer?”

 

“You made me kill my laptop!”

 

The rapper groaned; no, there was no need for concern.

 

“That’s different,” Changmin argued. “This is - this is _Yunho._ My _hyung!_ I’m an adult - I _know_ what sex is!”

 

“Not according to this you don’t,” Kyuhyun argued gleefully, holding up the transcript that he had prepared prior to their gathering.

 

“What is that?” Changmin asked, his face depicting sheer dread.

 

Kyuhyun smirked. “You’re script,” he responded. “Know it well Changmin - you’re going to be reciting it word-for-word.”

 

Changmin let out a moan and buried his head in his hands.

 

“Besides,” Kyuhyun added, “I didn’t say you had to ask Yunho-hyung.”

 

Changmin lifted his head slightly, looking hopeful.

 

“I said ‘bandmate’.” 

 

Changmin returned to his previous position.

 

“Kyuhyun,” Minho said, exasperated, “he only _has_ one bandmate.”

 

“Well, I’m giving him another option,” Kyuhyun responded. “If he wants, he can phone up any of the members of JYJ -”

 

Changmin removed his head from his hands, staring at his fellow maknae in disbelief. “...Are you insane?”

 

“What?!” Kyuhyun actually looked _surprised_ by the tone of the other males voice.  “I’m giving you options here!” I mean, you could always phone them up and -”

 

“ - and what? Ask them to give me the details of sex?” Changmin let out a loud snort. “No thank you!”

 

Kyuhyun looked amused. “So you’d rather ask Yunho-hyung, who you’re going to have to see every day for _who knows_ how many more years?”

 

“...Yes I would!”

 

“Brave man - I mean, personally, if I were in your situation I’d call Hangeng-hyung - partially because oh the whole never-going-to-see-him-again thing, and partially because he won’t be able to understand half of what I’m saying.” Kyuhyun smiled; Changmin felt like punching him.

 

“I’d ask Taemin,” Minho said, abruptly.

 

Changmin glanced at him. “Why?”

 

Minho shrugged. “Well, chances are he wouldn’t know either, so that’d end the conversation pretty quickly.”

 

Changmin sighed and reached out, plucking the script out of Kyuhyun’s hands. His eyes scanned over it; he frowned as he read the words printed on the page.

 

_“Hyung what does this word mean_ \- KYUHYUN!”

 

Kyuhyun smirked. “What?”

 

Changmin flung the papers onto the floor, his cheeks burning. “I’m not asking Yunho-hyung what the definition of _sex_ is!”

 

“You’re forfeiting already?” Kyuhyun snorted. “Wow - and Minho tried to call _me_ a wimp...”

 

“Yunho is going to _know_ that something is wrong!” Changmin shot back. “I mean, what _grown adult_ doesn’t know what _sex_ is?!”

 

Kyuhyun simply shrugged, looking unbothered by the dilemma. “Well that’s your problem isn’t it?”

 

Gritting his teeth, Changmin forced his eyes to return to the accursed page. _“Why wear protection_ \- Kyu, I seriously want to punch you right now.”

 

He received a smirk in response.

 

Sighing, Changmin continued to read; he let out a choking sound a moment later. “Okay, you are taking _that_ out!” he snarled.

 

Minho glanced over his friend’s shoulder, his eyes widening slightly when he caught sight of the issue. “Okay, that has to go,” he agreed. “I mean, I’m all for Changmin suffering -” He ignored his friend’s heated stare - “but I want this game to go on for at _least_ a little longer, and _that_ would tip even the most oblivious person off.”

 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Kyuhyun retorted, rolling his eyes.

 

“Kyu,” Minho sighed, “no matter how hard Changmin tries, I doubt he’d be able to convincingly ask Yunho-hyung if _men can get pregnant!”_

 

...

 

“Oh this is going to be so great!” Kyuhyun snickered from his crouched position behind the couch; from beside him, Minho repositioned the camera he was holding and nodded eagerly.

 

“There he goes!” he whispered, pointing to Changmin, who was approaching Yunho with a look of dread plastered across his face.

 

Minho and Kyuhyun, like the _wonderful_ friends they were, were barely able to hold back a series of hysterical laughs.

 

“Hyung,” Changmin said, his voice trembling slightly. Yunho glanced at him, a smile spreading across his face.

 

“Oh hey Changmin,” he greeted, “I’m just -”

 

_“Hyungtellmewhatsexis!”_

 

Yunho blinked. “...What?”

 

_“Youreallymusttellmewhatitis -”_

 

“What the hell are you -”

 

_“IkeephearingpeopletalkingandIdon’tknow -_ I mean, people are - um, talking - I mean, er, people are talking and they keep -” 

 

Kyuhyun collapsed to the floor, his face turning red from the effort of holding back his laughter.

 

“He ca - ca - can’t r-r-remember the w-words!” he choked, clutching his stomach in desperation.

 

Yunho gawked at Changmin. “Are you alright?” he asked, evidently concerned for his friend’s sanity.

 

Changmin’s lower lip trembled.

 

“...Changmin?”

 

“Hyung, tell me what sex is,” he muttered, misery oozing from his words.

 

Yunho gawked.

 

“...Please.”

 

“...Changmin?” Yunho stared at him, his gaze a mixture of confusion and sheer _horror._

 

“...No one has ever given me the talk.” Changmin squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself not to look at his hyung; he was sure that if he did he would die of embarrassment.

 

“Changmin -”

 

“Why do I have to wear protection?”

 

Yunho stared.

 

“Wait, I mean - what is protection? And then, yeah, tell me why I have to wear it -”

 

“He’s getting it all wrong!” Minho wheezed between frantic giggles. “Oh my god Kyu, this dare is the _best!”_

 

“Shh!” Kyuhyun hissed, before smirking proudly. “I’m glad you think so - I’ll make sure my one to you is ten times as bad.”

 

Minho’s smile faded.

 

Meanwhile, Changmin continued his dare, much to the horror of his leader. “ - what happens when -”

 

“Changmin!” Yunho’s hysterical cry cut the other male off abruptly.

 

“...Yes hyung?”

 

“Are you...” Yunho took a deep breath before continuing. “...Are you serious?”

 

_‘No.’_ Changmin swallowed, nodding his head slowly. “Yes hyung,” he whispered.

 

“...You don’t know what sex is?”

 

“No hyung.”

 

Kyuhyun gripped his sides, tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks. From beside him, Minho struggled to keep the camera upright.

 

“...Well...well, it’s - I mean -” Yunho struggled to find the appropriate words. “It’s not hard, you just have to - you know -” He made an awkward hand gesture with his hand, before standing up abruptly.

 

“Hyung, where are you going?” Changmin questioned.

 

“...The internet will probably help you more than I possibly can.” With what he hoped was a supportive look (in reality it looked like he was suffering with a case of diarrhea) Yunho raced out of the room, nearly tripping over his feet as he did.

 

After a few moments of silence Kyuhyun and Minho staggered out from behind the couch, collapsing to the floor in gales of laughter.

 

“Hurry up!” Kyuhyun snickered, “go after him!”

 

“Shut up Kyu,” Changmin hissed, “I did the stupid dare - all you said was that I had to ask for the talk, which I did. That’s the end of it.”

 

“We didn’t even get to the good parts,” Kyuhyun muttered, pouting slightly.

 

Minho continued to laugh. “Oh god, this is perfect!” he gasped. “And it’s all on camera -” He waved the object in question, evidently pleased with himself.

 

“Shut up Minho,” Changmin snapped. “Don’t forget that you’re next - and _I’ll_ be the one to inflict your pain.”

 

...

 

Night had approached by the time Kyuhyun had reached his own dorm. The glee from having observed Changmin’s dare was still apparent on the maknae’s face; he was practically skipping down the street.

 

_‘And Minho’s next!’_ he thought, doing an excited little twirl. A girl from across the street paused and stared at him with wide eyes; Kyuhyun silently hoped she didn’t recognize him, because the _last_ thing he needed was rumors about him losing his mind.

 

Entering the dorm, he was greeted by the sight of his leader’s nervous face. After pausing for a moment, and wondering whether or not he should ask what was wrong, Kyuhyun decided that he didn’t want anything ruining his mood - so, with a cheery “hey hyung!” he wondered past, intending to head to his room, catch up on some sleep, and experience wonderful dreams of Minho’s pain (yes, he was still _a bit_ bitter about the loss of his laptop).

 

“Kyuhyun, wait!” Leeteuk called after him. Kyuhyun let out a silent curse before turning around, plastering a pleasant smile across his face.

 

“What?”

 

“Er...” Leeteuk hesitated for a brief moment. “Can we...can we please talk?”

 

“Um...sure...” Kyuhyun walked over and sat down beside the older male, glancing at him in confusion. “Hyung, what’s wrong? You sound strange...”

 

Leeteuk avoided his gaze.

 

“...Hyung?”

 

Taking a deep breath, Leeteuk stared Kyuhyun dead in the eyes; embarrassment was evident on his face. “Kyuhyun,” he choked, “I’m just going to come out and say it alright?!”

 

“Er...” Why was he getting a _really_ bad feeling about this? “Okay hyung...”

 

Silence.

 

“...Hyung?”

 

“...I’m not going to come out and say it.” Leeteuk shook his head rapidly, his cheeks burning. “I can’t. I mean, you’re an adult Kyu! How can you _not_ know what sex is?!”

 

_“WHAT?!”_

 

Leeteuk’s cheeks burned darker. “I er...I read your...thing...”

 

“No!” Kyuhyun wailed in desperation. “Hyung! That - that wasn’t - it’s not -”

 

“It’s okay Kyu.” Leeteuk’s voice indicated that it was anything but; however, the older male patted the younger on his shoulder, forcing a supportive look to cross his face (much like Yunho, he looked like he had caught a bad case of diarrhea; Kyuhyun decided that it must have been a leader thing. He’d have to speak to Onew later...). 

 

“I haven’t told anyone,” Leeteuk continued, before pausing and awkwardly amending his previous statement. “Well, okay, Yesung and Kangin know, but they won’t tell anyone -”

 

Kyuhyun opened his mouth, intending to defend himself; he then closed it, realizing that he had no idea _what_ to say that wouldn’t reveal their whole game.

 

“Always knew those rumors about you never having dated were true,” Heechul snorted as he walked past.

 

Both leader and maknae turned to stare at him.

 

“I was in the kitchen,” Heechul told them. “I heard your whole conversation. Kyuhyun - if you ever need advice, I have a series of dvd’s I can lend you.”

 

“Heechul, no!” Leeteuk snapped. “Those sorts of videos are not appropriate for a -” He paused, glancing uncomfortably at Kyuhyun. “Uh...”

 

Heechul smirked. “A virgin?”

 

_“NO!”_ Oh god; why couldn’t the floor just swallow him up right now? “I’m not a - oh goddammit, I’m not listening to this!” Leaping up, Kyuhyun hurried away, his gaze firmly locked on the floor.

 

“Kyuhyun, wait!” Leeteuk called after him.

 

_“Shut up_ hyung!” Kyuhyun snapped.

 

“...Hey!” Leeteuk interjected, a frown creasing his face. “Some respect would be nice!”

 

_“I called you hyung dammit!”_

 

Kyuhyun hurled himself up the staircase, threw himself into his room, and slammed the door behind him. Sungmin, who had been fast asleep, shot up in alarm.

 

“What?!”

 

“Go back to bed,” Kyuhyun snapped; his friend stared at him for a moment before choosing to comply, deciding that an irate Kyuhyun was almost as bad as a scheming Kyuhyun.

 

“I hate karma,” Kyuhyun moaned, sinking to the floor and glaring at the wall. 


	4. A Confession of Love

“You look kind of flushed -”

 

“Shut up.” With his jaw clenched Kyuhyun pointedly looked away from Changmin. The other maknae frowned slightly.

 

“No, I’m just saying -”

 

“No _seriously_ Changmin,” Kyuhyun growled, cutting him off again. “Shut up. I swear, you and that goddamn transcript -”

 

Changmin blinked, uncomprehending.

 

“Would you two hurry up so we can start?” Minho interrupted them, impatience evident in his voice.

 

_“Yes!”_ The contempt faded from Kyuhyun’s expression, eclipsed by a look of anticipation. “Come on Changmin, make sure it’s _bad!_ I want him to _suffer!”_

 

“...Kyuhyun, I’m seriously staring to worry for your sanity.” Changmin’s brow creased slightly as he glanced at his friend in slight concern.

 

Kyuhyun snorted. “If you knew what I’d had to deal with...”

 

Changmin frowned slightly. “What?”

 

“...Nothing.” Kyuhyun quickly glanced away, his cheeks flushed. He forced his gaze onto Minho, and nodded his head impatiently. “Just hurry up and introduce Minho to his doom.”

 

Minho rolled his eyes, unbothered by this statement. “Oh please,” he snorted, “I bet it’s nothing. But wait - aren’t you going to ask me if I want to go with truth or dare?”

 

Kyuhyun pulled out the video camera, aiming it at Minho’s face. “You want truth?” He smirked slightly. “Alright then.”

 

“...Okay, dare.”

 

“Great!” Changmin smiled, eagerly. “I have one planned - but were going to have to head over to your dorm Minho.”

 

“...Right. Well then, okay. Sounds good.” A hint of nervousness was evident in Minho’s voice as he spoke.

 

“Come on Changmin, don’t keep us in suspense!” Kyuhyun complained, the camera falling from his hands. “What is it?!”

 

Changmin smirked slightly. “Well,” he started, turning to face Minho, “you’re going to have a little chat with Taemin.”

 

“...Changmin, certain things must never be done.” There was a slight tremor in Minho’s voice. “Taemin is too innocent for whatever your planning.”

 

“Oh calm down, I’m not that cruel,” Changmin laughed. “You just have to speak to him ad express your _strong_ desire to be in a romantic relationship with him.”

 

“...Oh.”

 

Kyuhyun grinned, leaning forward in anticipation. “Does this ‘romantic relationship’ involve sex?”

 

Changmin stared at him. “...Do I _look_ like I want Key to slaughter me?!”

 

“He won’t know you had anything to do with this,” the Super Junior maknae pointed out. “It’ll be Minho who pays the price.”

 

“Hmm...good point...”

 

“Can’t change a dare once it’s been said!” Minho leapt to his feet and hurriedly motioned for his friends to follow. “Come on, let’s go!”

 

...

 

“Uh...” Minho coughed awkwardly, looking unsure of what to say. As he stood still, rubbing the back of his neck in unsure motions, Taemin stared at him obliviously.

 

“Is something wrong hyung?”

 

“Will - will you talk to m-me?” Minho silently cursed himself; since when did he find it hard to talk to the maknae? Well, he reasoned with himself, at least he was doing better than Changmin.

 

“Minho, butt off,” Key snarled, rudely. Oh yes - the diva was still in the room. Minho cursed his luck (and he was almost _certain_ that this bad luck had something to do with Kyuhyun’s constant wishes for his pain). “I’m talking to my Taeminnie.”

 

“Shut up.” The diva’s face flushed and he opened his mouth, clearly ready to make an indignant retort; Minho cut him off. “I need to talk to Taemin.”

 

Key clenched his jaw. “Minho -”

 

“Hyung, it’s fine,” Taemin interrupted. “I’ll talk to Minho-hyung...” With a glance towards the rapper, he raised one eyebrow. “What is it?”

 

Minho swallowed. “Uh...” he shot an awkward glance to the unwanted member. “...In private maybe?”

 

“Listen you frog,” Key snapped. “Taeminnie’s helping me decide whether I should get the black shoes or the red shoes -”

 

“...That’s a women’s online catalogue.”

 

“Yeah well, so what?” Key seemed unperturbed by this. “It would look fabulous with my new silk blouse.”

 

“Your -” Deciding it wasn’t worth it, Minho shook his head, returning his attention to his current target. 

 

“Taemin, seriously, I really need to talk to you.”

 

Taemin opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Key who, frowning at the opened doorway, muttered, “is that Kyuhyun and Changmin?”

 

“...Maybe.”

 

“Why...” Key frowned, squinting slightly. “...Why the hell are they filming us?”

 

Minho swallowed.

 

“Hey Key!” Kyuhyun greeted, marching eagerly into the room. The camera remained firmly planted in his hands, pointed towards the younger males. 

 

“Well, actually,” he continued, smirking, “the reason we are filming is _very_ interesting - would you like to know?”

 

Minho’s expression darkened. “Kyuhyun,” he growled, “I will seriously -”

 

“ - you see, Minho has a _very_ big announcement to make -” Kyuhyun let out a small snicker, “ - and he wanted it all on camera so that, if all goes well, years in the future he can show this to his adorable grandbabies.”

 

There was an awkward pause and Minho imagined Kyuhyun’s head falling off (yes; that was a _lovely_ thought).

 

_“Adopted_ grandbabies,” Kyuhyun added, winking slightly. The silence stretched out.

 

“...Because, you know, _two men can’t have children_ and all...”

 

Changmin lowered his head, his lips wobbling slightly, torn between bursting into hysterics and smashing his head repeatedly on a nearby wall.

 

“...Not that Changmin knew that.”

 

His smile faded.

 

“Someday you will get a new laptop,” Minho snarled, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Oh, when that day comes, _say goodbye!_ And then, when the new one comes, say goodbye to that one too -”

 

“But Minho,” Kyuhyun interjected, seeming unbothered by the threat. “You seemed so _eager_ to tell Taemin the news - why are you _wimping_ out?!”

 

The rapper clenched his jaw.

 

“Aww.” Kyuhyun’s lips curled into a smirk; he was enjoying this _way_ too much. _“Minho...”_

 

“...You’re all insane,” Key muttered, inching closer to Taemin, who was blinking in utter bewilderment.

 

Minho took a deep breath. “Tell him to leave,” he ground out, gesturing in Key's direction.

 

“Wha - _no!”_ Key shook his head rapidly, and latched onto Taemin’s arm; he resembled a protective mother bear. “I’m not leaving my poor, innocent Taemin with you _lunatics!”_

 

“Don’t worry Key,” Kyuhyun smirked, “Taemin’s innocence will remain intact...for now.”

 

“He’s just teasing,” Changmin interjected, seeing the look of horror on Key’s face. “We’d never do anything to Taemin.”

 

“But Minho might.”

 

“Excuse me?!” Key’s shrill, horrified exclamation pierced through all their ears.

 

“Key, what are you screaming about?” Jonghyun demanded, peering into the room. He blinked when he saw the numerous inhabitants. “Oh...hi guys. Didn’t see you all come in.”

 

“They’re going to do something to Taemin!” Key wailed.

 

“No we aren’t!” Minho argued. “All I want to do is talk to him!”

 

Jonghyun blinked. “Well okay then,” he responded. “Talk.”

 

“...In private,” Minho coughed, awkwardly.

 

_“SEE?!”_

 

“Key,” Jonghyun sighed, “for godsake, just let them talk.”

 

“Yes Key,” Minho agreed, “just let me -”

 

“Hyung, it’s alright, I want to,” Taemin interrupted, looking slightly amused at the progressing events. “It’s only Minho-hyung,” he added.

 

“Yes,” Key growled, “but he’s being _very_ suspicious today!”

 

Jonghyun glanced at Minho briefly, before shaking his head, and latching onto Key’s arm. “Key, you’re just being paranoid,” he sighed. “Let’s go.”

 

He dragged the diva out of the room, ignoring his shrill protests.

 

“...Hyung?”  Taemin pressed after a few moments of dead silence.

 

Minho took a deep breath. “Taemin -”

 

“Wait,” Taemin interrupted, “hyung, do you think you could tell Kyuhyun-hyung to move the camera out of my face?” He shifted slightly. “It’s making me slightly uncomfortable.”

 

Changmin latched onto Kyuhyun’s arm and dragged him backwards.

 

“Could you two _please_ wait outside?” Minho hissed through clenched teeth.

 

“No,” was the simultaneous response he received.

 

Forcing him not to _punch his so-called friends in their goddamned faces,_ Minho took a deep breath, and forced his attention onto the youngest in the room. “Okay then - Taemin. I’m just going to come out and say this, alright?”

 

Taemin stared.

 

“Taemin, I really -”

 

He was interrupted by a series of snickers coming from - unsurprisingly - Kyuhyun.

 

Minho clenched his jaw. “Do you _mind?!”_

 

Changmin elbowed the laughing maknae in the stomach, and nodded for Minho to proceed.

 

Minho tried again. “Taemin -”

 

Kyuhyun fell to his knees.

 

_“KYUHYUN!”_

 

“What are they _doing -?!”_

 

“Key! _Come on!”_ There were a series of loud protests from outside, followed by the sound of someone being dragged away.

 

“...Hyung?” Taemin asked, timidly.

 

Minho clenched his jaw. “As I was _saying!”_ he growled. “Taemin, I -”

 

_“Wait!”_ Minho’s eyes flashed murderously, and he shot Changmin a look of contempt.

 

“I just have to reposition the camera,” the DBSK maknae explained with an awkward laugh. “Kyuhyun kind of lost control of it while laughing -”

 

“Why do we need a camera?” Taemin whispered.

 

Changmin smiled. “Okay, we’re all good!”

 

His eye twitching slightly, Minho struggled to keep calm, and smiled forcedly at Taemin. “Alright then -”

 

Changmin let out a small snicker.

 

“Dammit, _not you too -_ shut the _hell up!”_

 

Taemin’s eyes widened.

 

“Sorry!” Minho hurriedly apologized. “I just...I wanted to say that...I like you.”

 

“Oh!” Taemin smiled slightly. “Well, I like you too hyung!”

 

Kyuhyun’s laughter stopped abruptly, and his eyes widened slightly. “Oh shit,” he muttered.

 

“Um...what?” Minho’s eyes widened uncomprehendingly.

 

“Who’s going to break the news to him that this is just a joke?” Changmin muttered to Kyuhyun, who pointed a finger at Minho in response.

 

“You’re my hyung!” Taemin continued, oblivious to the reactions of those around him. “Of course I like you!”

 

Minho relaxed; Changmin and Kyuhyun let out simultaneous sighs of relief.

 

“That’s not what he meant,” Kyuhyun muttered, smirking slightly.

 

Taemin blinked. “Huh?”

 

“Go on,” Kyuhyun urged. “Say it Minho.”

 

“Yes,” Changmin agreed, “say it.”

 

There was a brief pause.

 

“...Taemin I want to have a relationship with you,” Minho managed at last.

 

Taemin frowned slightly. “But you already -”

 

“ - A _romantic_ relationship.”

 

There was a moment of silence.

 

“...Oh.”

 

Kyuhyun smirked. “A _sexually_ romantic -”

 

Minho lunged.

 

As the evil maknae laughed hysterically and ran around the room, and Changmin attempted to avoid getting caught in the conflict, Taemin decided that this was just _too_ weird from him, and inched silently out of the room.


	5. Taemin In Love?

When Taemin stumbled out of the room in a daze, Key was at his side in an instance.

“Taeminnie!” he cried, his hands reaching out. “Oh, what did those monsters _do_ to you?!”

 

“Key...” Jonghyun sighed.

 

“Nothing hyung!” Taemin choked, his cheeks flushed bright red. Key’s expression darkened.

 

“Oh those little - when I get my hands on them -”

 

“Key,” Jonghyun interjected, “they didn’t -”

 

“Hyungs, want to go and do something somewhere else?” Taemin suggested, shooting a nervous glance towards the room. “...Away from the dorms?”

 

_“...What did they do to my baby?!”_

 

Onew came rushing into the room at the sound of Key’s shrill shriek, concern etched across his face.

 

“Hey what’s -” He paused, taking in the situation in the room. “...Why does Key look like he wants to murder someone?”

 

“Minho, to be specific,” Jonghyun responded.

 

“Oh hyung, don’t murder Minho-hyung,” Taemin protested. “He didn’t...he didn’t do anything wrong...”

 

“Like hell he didn’t!” Key snapped, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Why else do you look so...scared?”

 

“I’m not scared,” Taemin replied, awkwardly. “I’m just...confused.”

 

“Why are you confused?” Concern was evident in Onew’s tone.

 

“Dammit Key!” Jonghyun suddenly cried, marching forward and seizing the back of the other male’s shirt. “Stop trying to go into that room!”

 

“Um...” Taemin avoided Onew’s eyes, and stared awkwardly at the floor. “I don’t know if I should...” He flushed deeply.

 

Onew stared at him worriedly.

 

“...Alright!” The maknae took a deep breath. “Minho-hyung - he - he -” His eyes darted frantically from side to side. “He - he said he - that he - liked me.”

 

Onew stared blankly for a moment. “...We all like you Taemin,” he said at last.

 

Taemin paled. “Oh god, please no.”

 

“...Wait.” Jonghyun’s eyes widened in realization; is grip on Key slackened considerably. “You don’t mean like... _that?!”_

 

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Key demanded, his voice turning shrill. “And _get your hands off me!”_

 

“Kim Kibum, shut the _hell up!”_ Jonghyun snapped, and then chose to ignore Key’s indignant squawks in favour of staring intently at Taemin.

 

“Taemin...did he...?”

 

“Did he _what?!”_

 

“Yes!” Taemin flushed deeply. Turning to Key, he elaborated. “Minho-hyung...he...he said he likes me... _romantically.”_ His cheeks darkened further as he uttered the word.

 

“Key, no murder,” Onew said authoritatively. 

 

Key simply stared at Taemin, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open.

 

Minho, Changmin and Kyuhyun chose that moment to enter the room.

 

“Hey guys - er, what’s going on?” Minho paused, staring with wide eyes at the expressions on everyone’s faces.

 

Smirking, Kyuhyun lifted the video camera, aiming it at Key’s stunned face. “Haha,” he snickered, “that is _so_ going on twitter.”

 

“I don’t care if you’re older than me,” Key dazedly murmured, “I’ll murder you in he most painful way possible.”

 

Minho’s brow creased. _“Heeeelllooooo -?”_

 

Taemin let out a squeak and dashed up the stairs.

 

Minho let out a loud sigh. “Dammit,” he muttered, “I am _never_ going to get him to talk to me again -”

 

“Come on,” Changmin interrupted, tugging on Minho’s arm. “If we hurry we can fit in Kyuhyun’s you-know-what before the end of today!”

 

The three left the room shortly after (Kyuhyun being physically dragged away from his intense filming session), leaving the startled occupants of the room to their own devices.

 

“...Oh sweet Jesus,” Key whispered moments later. “How could this happen?!”

 

“Yeah I know,” Jonghyun agreed, his voice dazed. “I mean... _Minho?!_ I never would have pictured him as being gay -”

 

“Who the hell cares about that frog?!” Key interrupted. “I just can’t believe that my baby is in _love!”_

 

Jonghyun stared at him for a long moment. “...You know,” he said at last, “Taemin never said anything about reciprocating those feelings...”

 

“Oh shut up, it was _so obvious!”_ Key retorted sharply. “I mean...did you _see_ the way he was all flushed, like he couldn’t believe his innocent, young heart that the person he so desperately longed for _wanted him back_ \- and what about the way he stuttered in embarrassment at the thought of his deepest desires _finally_ being realized -”

 

...

 

(Upstairs)

 

Taemin let out another scream, muffled by the pillow that he’d pressed to his face.

 

_“I’m the nice one - rejecting people doesn’t go with that image!”_

 

...

 

“ - Oh god, it chills me to the bone!”

 

Onew and Jonghyun exchanged glances.

 

Onew coughed. “Um...Key...how do I say this...?”

 

“You’re bat-shit.”

 

He frowned at Jonghyun, who simply shrugged, clearly unapologetic. 

 

 _“Excuse_ me?!” Key spluttered.

 

Onew shot another frown in Jonghyun’s direction. “What Jonghyun _meant_ to say,” he said, “was that we doubt that Taemin is...in love with Minho.”

 

“He looked like he was about to wet himself,” Jonghyun added, bluntly.

 

“With _love -”_

 

“No, with utter horror.”

 

Key frowned slightly. “...Perhaps,” he reluctantly agreed, “but at the thought of an unknown future -”

 

“Again, no,” Jonghyun sighed. “It was probably at the thought of having to reject Minho in the _very near_ future.”

 

Key scowled deeply. “Say what you will!” he growled. “I know my baby better than anyone, and I _know_ that he’s in love - and I’ll say it now; I am not happy with this. Not at all. But if my baby wants that frog of a man-”

 

“Um, Key,” Onew interrupted. “That ‘frog of a man’ just happens to be our friend and bandmate.”

 

“Oh shut up, I’d say the same thing to _you_ if you were making a move on Taeminnie!” Key snorted.

 

“Great to know,” Jonghyun muttered.

 

“...As I was saying, if my baby wants it, then I will make sure that he gets it! And - if he is hurt in _any way -_ ” Key’s eyes flashed dangerously, promising immense pain.

 

...

 

“My dare to you is -”

 

“You’re not going to ask if he wants truth?” Changmin interrupted; Minho shot him a sharp glare in response.

 

“Do I _look_ insane?” Kyuhyun interrupted. “Go on Minho - speak.”

 

Minho turned his head away from Changmin and directed n eager look at the other maknae. “I want you,” he smirked, “to get on the roof -”

 

“ - Minho, nothing that could potentially ruin careers,” Changmin reminded him.

 

“Oh calm down,” the rapper snorted. “Only his bandmates will witness this.”

 

“Witness what?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Please, nothing could be more painful than what I’ve already had to go through.”

 

“What _you’ve_ had to go through?!” Changmin scoffed. “Yunho will never look at me the same way again!”

 

“Can I please speak?!” Minho snapped. After a moment of silence, he chose to continue. “Kyuhyun,” he said, his smirk reappearing, “I want you to get on the roof and read a page from your diary.”

 

There was a moment of silence.

 

Changmin let out a loud sigh and flopped backwards onto the floor. “Oh God,” he groaned, “this just turned into some crappy teen drama flick didn’t it?”

 

“Shut up,” Minho responded. He stared intently at Kyuhyun. “Well?”

 

“Idiot.” Kyuhyun smirked. “I don’t even own a diary.”

 

Minho rolled his eyes. _“Now_ maybe.”

 

“I,” Kyuhyun said slowly, “have _never_ owned a diary.”

 

Minho smirked. “Really?”

 

_“Yes.”_

 

“...Not even when you were, say, twelve years old?”

 

There was a brief pause.

 

“...I spoke to your parents,” Minho said in response to the stares he was receiving.

 

“Wait, wait,” Changmin interrupted. _“When_ did you speak to his parents about this?!”

 

Minho shrugged. “Well you see...I anticipated some...resistance on Kyuhyun’s side -”

 

“It’s not resistance!” Kyuhyun interjected. “I just don’t waste my time writing in diaries like you little girls!”

 

“Hey!” Changmin protested. “I don’t even have a diary!”

 

“Oh right,” Kyuhyun snorted. _“During the photoshoot today, all I could think was, does my butt look big in this?”_

 

Changmin flushed. “Yeah!” he choked, “well it’s not as bad as Minho’s, _“why do Key and Taemin get to be the pretty ones?”_

 

“Shut up!” Minho growled, his cheeks burning. “We are _not_ discussing _our_ diaries, we’re discussing Kyuhyun’s!” He took a deep breath, clearly embarrassed. “Anyway,” he continued hurriedly, “as I was saying - I’ve been planning this dare for a while, shortly after I saw Kyuhyun’s immense fury in response to his first dare. I’d _known_ then that this would be our own personal war.”

 

“...You _do_ realize that I’m playing too right?” Changmin muttered.

 

“...And so, anticipating Kyuhyun’s resistance, I took the liberty to phone his parents and question them about the possibility -”

 

“I destroyed that diary years ago,” Kyuhyun interrupted.

 

Minho was not deterred; quite the contrary, he seemed extremely pleased by this. “Yes I know,” he said, “out of fear of the repercussions following your sister’s discovery of it.”

 

Changmin frowned slightly. “Minho, this is getting slightly creepy -”

 

“ - That’s right _Stalker.”_ Kyuhyun, ignoring Changmin’s comment, glared at Minho. “I _destroyed_ the diary. It doesn’t _exist_ anymore!”

 

“...The diary may no longer be of this world -”

 

“Minho, speak normally for Christ’s sake,” Changmin sighed.

 

“ - But what you did not realize was that your sister, a one Cho Ahra -”

 

 _“Minho!_ You sound like an utter _dick_ right now - _speak normally!”_

 

“ - Salvaged a few pieces of that beautiful, beautiful piece of blackmail material, and stored them in a disclosed location known only by her.”

 

Silence.

 

“...Yeah I know, it is a bit weird,” Minho admitted. _“But_ it helps my case, so I’m not going to complain.”

 

“...Shut up,” Kyuhyun muttered after a moment, his gaze lowered. “You’re lying.”

 

“Really? Then what’s this?” Smirking, Minho held up a piece of paper; Kyuhyun instantly paled. 

 

“You see,” the rapper continued, “Ahra was kind enough to mail this to me when I explained the situation - and, let me tell you, while this may not contain any full passages, it is _full_ of beautiful, beautiful material that will make you _cringe_.”

 

“...The amount of effort you put into this makes me worry for your mental health,” Changmin muttered.

 

**...**

**AN:**

**So...I kind of got sick of posting these chapters individually, and just decided to post the whole story at once. This story had already been finished and posted on Asianfanfics.com ages ago so...yeah, there was really no point in dragging it out for so long.  
**

**Hope you guys enjoy the rest of the story!**


	6. Stuck

“Jesus, would you look at that thing?” Changmin murmured. “I never thought the roof was so steep…”  
  
“Shut up,” Kyuhyun snapped sharply.  
  
Changmin frowned slightly. “I just -”  
  
“Shut _up,”_ Kyuhyun repeated. “Seriously - _you_ aren’t the one who has to climb up there!”  
  
Minho smirked. “Afraid?”  
  
“Fucking _yes_ you idiot,” Kyuhyun snapped. “I’ve already had my body nearly crushed to pieces once - I do not want it happening again!”  
  
Changmin glanced at the roof again, his brow furrowing slightly. “Maybe we should take the roof part out of the dare?” he suggested, hesitantly.  
  
“He’s going on the roof,” Minho replied, his tone leaving no room for arguments.  
  
“…This isn’t a real war Minho.”  
  
Minho simply rolled his eyes. “He’s going on the roof.”  
  
“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Kyuhyun snarled. “Get me a goddamn ladder already!”  
  
Changmin tried again. “Minho seriously -”  
  
_“Roof!”_  
  
“Dammit,” Changmin spat, “he is _not_ going on the roof!”  
  
_“I_ am _going on the roof!”_  
  
“Kyuhyun, shut the hell up you idiot!” Changmin growled. “I’m trying to help you here!”  
  
“No you’re not!” Kyuhyun retorted hotly. “You’re being a bad influence! I need to show that idiot over there - ” He jerked a finger in Minho’s direction, “ - that I am _ten times_ the man that he is!”  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
The trio whirled around to see Siwon and Donghae heading towards them, both looking extremely confused by the commotion.  
  
“Tell Kyuhyun not to go on the roof,” Changmin ordered.  
  
“Shut up Changmin,” Minho barked. “This is a - ” He paused. “…Kyuhyun needs this for his own…personal development…”  
  
Siwon and Donghae stared blankly.  
  
“…Kyuhyun, don’t go on the roof,” Siwon said after a brief pause, his voice oozing confusion.  
  
Minho raised one eyebrow, looking expectedly at his friend.  
  
“Didn’t I ask for the damn ladder?” Kyuhyun snarled. Glancing at Donghae and Siwon, he added, “you two - go inside.”  
  
Donghae scowled slightly. “Hey!” he interjected, “have some respect for your hyung!”  
  
“…No.” Kyuhyun nodded at Minho. “Let’s get this over with.”  
  
“They’re staying.” Minho smirked. “The more the merrier.”  
  
Kyuhyun’s expression darkened further.  
  
The back-door opened and Leeteuk strode outside, gazing curiously at the group. “Hey what’s going - ”  
  
“Hyung, Kyuhyun’s going on the roof!” Donghae cried (shockingly similar to a snot-nosed kid tattling to their teacher).  
  
Leeteuk stared for a moment. “…Kyuhyun, please no,” he managed after a moment. “We have promotions soon. You need all your bones in tact.”  
  
“Dammit, stop pressuring me!” Kyuhyun growled.  
  
Leeteuk blinked. “To what? Not go on the roof?”  
  
_“Yes!”_  
  
The sound of a ‘clang!’ caused everyone to glance over to the side of the building, where Minho had set a ladder against the wall. He wondered over to Kyuhyun and passed him a slip of paper, a smirk on his face.  
  
“Enjoy,” he murmured.  
  
Leeteuk let out a sigh of frustration. “What the hell is he - _Kyuhyun!”_ His eyes widened in alarm. “Dammit, _come down from there!”_  
  
“Hyung, this is just something I have to do!” Kyuhyun called back, as he settled his hands on both sides of the ladder, trying his best to steady it.  
  
“Jesus Christ, what’s going on out here?!” As if the lawn hadn’t been crowded enough, Kangin burst out the back door of the dormitory; it smashed against the ladder, causing Kyuhyun to let out a small (“and manly” he’d later argue) shriek and cling frantically to the sides.  
  
Siwon’s face creased into a frown. “Don’t use - ”  
  
“Shut the fuck up Shisus,” Kangin cut him off. His eyes widened when he caught sight of the maknae, and he let out a loud exclamation. “Has he finally lost what little sanity he had left?!”  
  
“Kangin!” Leeteuk wailed, “go up there and get him down before he hurts himself!”  
  
“Why _me?!”_ the larger male demanded. “You’re just as capable!”  
  
“Why the hell do I have to do everything around here?!” Leeteuk retorted hotly.  
  
“Er…” Kyuhyun, who was half way up the ladder, let out a nervous chuckle. “Can I just do it from over here?”  
  
“The top of the roof is always the best.”  
  
Everyone stared at Minho, who shrugged nonchalantly. Changmin sighed loudly.  
  
After much fumbling and scrambling, Kyuhyun finally reached the top of the roof.  
  
_“Yes!”_ he cried, elated. “I’m up - oh sweet _Jesus!”_ Kyuhyun scrambled frantically away from the edge of the roof, his face as white as a sheet.  
  
Siwon, deciding that this was as good a time as any to pray, clasped his hands together, his eyes closed. “Dear God,” he murmured, “please don’t kill my dongsaeng. Many think he is the Devil incarnate, but as the all-knowing being you are, you must know that he isn’t - ”  
  
_“Kangin!”_ Leeteuk shrieked.  
  
Heechul, who had wondered outside sometime between the journey from the mid-section of the ladder to the victory (or was loss a better word?) of reaching the top, slapped a hand across the leader’s mouth.  
  
“Shh!” he hissed. “You’re ruining the show!”  
  
“It’s alright!” Kyuhyun uttered, trying - and failing - to mask his fear. “This is - this is really amazing - I can, uh, see the whole city from here - ”  
  
“Really?” Changmin asked incredulously.  
  
“No,” Kyuhyun muttered. “What I’m _really_ seeing is a blur of grey and black - probably not a good thing.”  
  
Leeteuk paled.  
  
“Okay,” the maknae laughed after a brief pause. “I’m just going to sit down…slowly…and enjoy the - ahhh!”  
  
_“Kyuhyun!”_ came the sound of several horrified voices (even Heechul paused his cries of _“Ryeowook, make me some popcorn!”_ to join in the panic).  
  
Kyuhyun - who had slipped following his attempt to seat himself down, and had spent a few brief, anxiety-filled moments attempting to prevent himself from experiencing a horrific death - managed to gain control of himself, and curled himself into a tight ball, letting out a small, hysterical bout of laughter.  
  
“Haha, just kidding!” He choked (this was followed by what sounded like horrified whimpers). “So, uh…haha…”  
  
Minho, for the first time that day, looked less-than-enthused by his choice of dare; in fact, he looked downright shaken.  
  
“Er, Kyuhyun,” he started, “you know how I called you a wimp? …You can come down now…the ground’s as good a place as any…”  
  
“Nah, I love it up here!” Kyuhyun laughed (despite his efforts to conceal his fear, he…well, he completely failed). “In fact, maybe I should sleep here permanently and - ” He paused, holding back a bout of nausea. “…So,” he managed once it had passed, “I’ll start reading, huh?”  
  
With one hand digging into the roof, Kyuhyun attempted to unfold the piece of paper. After a few failed tries he finally managed, and stared blankly at it for a moment.  
  
“What is he _doing?”_ Donghae demanded.  
  
“Well,” Changmin responded, attempting to come up with a good cover story. “Kyuhyun has decided that he’s…he’s…” He thought for a moment. “…He’s going to read a few passages from his childhood diary to better…explore…the person he is…”  
  
“On the _roof?”_  
  
“What do you have against roofs?” Changmin shifted his head away before Donghae could ask any more questions. His gaze caught Minho’s, and he raised and eyebrow when he caught sight of the camera in Minho’s hands.  
  
“What?” the rapper asked, defensively. “Rules are rules.”  
  
“So uh…” Kyuhyun squinted at the piece of paper. “This is…this is really bad quality…I uh, had to get in contact with my noona for this…”  
  
“Taking credit for all my hard work,” Minho muttered.  
  
“Uh…so…” Kyuhyun coughed. _“…I caught Mr. Kim wearing one of the girl’s dance uniforms today after school - as creepy as it was, it kind of turned me on -_ he was overly feminine okay!” Kyuhyun’s cheeks burned in embarrassment. “Even more so than Heechul-hyung!”  
  
Heechul snorted. “Not possible.”  
  
Everyone else appeared to be utterly bewildered.  
  
Kyuhyun resumed his reading.  
  
_“…the shit in the toilet’s exploded in my face…”_  
  
“…a white van was following me home today - god, it could have been a pedophile! I could have been kidnapped! What is this?!”  
  
“…turns out my new girlfriend wasn’t really a girl…”  
  
“…mum lied to me! Babies don’t really come from the Baby Pixie!”  
  
“…remember the white van? …Yeah…not a pedophile. Just my dad in his new van…”  
  
Kyuhyun paused and lowered the paper; there was an awkward pause as everyone stared at him, unsure of how to react.  
  
Kyuhyun coughed. “Look, about that entry about the Baby Fairy - ”  
  
“Pixie,” Heechul interjected.  
  
“…Thank you for that hyung.” Kyuhyun shot him a glare. “Anyway, I wrote it when I was  about six so…just to get that cleared up.”  
  
“That’s very nice Kyuhyun.” Leeteuk looked uncomfortable. “Now, be a good maknae and come down, alright?”  
  
“Yeah sure - _oh.”_ Kyuhyun swallowed and leaned away from the edge. “Well…yes. I’ll, uh, do that, and, uh…” He made a feeble attempt to get to the ladder, before shying away almost immediately.  
  
Changmin shot an irritated glance at Minho, clearly blaming him for the current situation.  
  
“I won’t be able to look at Taemin for at _least_ a few months,” the rapper shot back defensively.  
  
“…The ladder might fall down,” Kyuhyun said, his fingers digging painfully into the surface of the roof.  
  
“Alright,” Siwon said, stepping forward. “I’ll hold the ladder for you - ”  
  
“I’m not a baby!”  
  
There was a brief pause; Kyuhyun peaked over the edge, paled dramatically, and shot Siwon a wide-eyed stare.  
  
“Hyung, promise me you won’t let me fall!” he whimpered.  
  
“Aww, Kyu!” Siwon cooed. “You know hyung would never let our precious maknae get hurt!”  
  
“Dammit, I _said_ I wasn’t a baby!” Kyuhyun snarled, his previous expression being replaced by one so terrifying  that it shot shivers up the religious man’s spine.


	7. Prank Call

“Here you go,” Ryeowook gently murmured, handing a large mug of hot chocolate to Kyuhyun. “I put extra marshmallows on top.” He smiled lovingly. “If you want anymore, just give me a shout and I’ll bring you some, alright?”  
  
Kyuhyun took a small sip from the cup. “The white ones?” he inquired.  
  
“Of course!” Ryeowook beamed. “Sungmin would slaughter me if I gave away the pink ones.”  
  
Kyuhyun took another sip.  
  
“And I’m baking some cookies as well, alright?” Ryeowook continued. “The chocolate chip ones you like!”  
  
Eunhyuk, who had been passing by, came to an abrupt stop. “Oooh, cookies!” he gasped.  
  
Ryeowook shot him an almost vicious glare. “They’re for the maknae, not you!” he snarled. Turning back to Kyuhyun, he smiled and patted the younger lovingly on the head. “Feel better, alright Kyu?” he cooed, before walking away.  
  
Minho and Changmin simultaneously raised their eyebrows.  
  
“I’m totally milking this for all it’s worth,” Kyuhyun said, attempting to smirk (and failing). “They actually think I’m afraid!”  
  
Changmin’s brows raised further. “Kyu, you’re shaking,” he observed.  
  
“Shut up asshole!” Kyuhyun’s grip tightened on the cup in his hands. “I was never _really_ afraid.”  
  
Minho snorted. “Which is why Kangin-hyung and Siwon-hyung had to practically carry you down from the roof.”  
  
“…Shut up.”  
  
“Right, so…” Minho turned his attention to the other maknae, and nodded his head. “It’s Changmin’s turn - truth or dare?”  
  
“Sshh, not so loud,” Changmin hissed. “Someone might hear! Besides, shouldn’t we go to my dorms to do it?”  
  
“Not until my cookies are ready!” Kyuhyun snapped, rocking back and forth like an eager child waiting for Santa Claus (albeit, a slimmer, baby-faced, Korean version of Santa, wielding cookies rather than a sac of presents).  
  
“…You realise that he’s the oldest out of the three of us, right?” Minho muttered.  
  
“Yuuuup,” Changmin dragged out.  
  
…  
  
“Now,” Ryeowook said, tucking a large container into Kyuhyun’s hands, “here are some cookies for the journey - ”  
  
Changmin shot him an odd look. “Er, hyung, we’re just heading over to my dorm - it’s like, ten minutes away - ”  
  
“Shut up!” Ryeowook scowled. “Poor Kyuhyun’s gone through a terrible ordeal!” He pat Kyuhyun gently on the head. Kyuhyun glanced away, looking slightly embarrassed.  
  
“Er right,” he laughed, “let’s go.” Without waiting for a response, he hurried out the door - his two friends followed him outside. Ryeowook stood in the doorway, yelling, “call me if you need anything!” to their disappearing forms.  
  
“So,” Kyuhyun said, once they were a fair distance away. “Truth or dare, Changmin?”  
  
Changmin raised one eyebrow. “You don’t want to wait until we’re back at the dorms?”  
  
“Nope,” Kyuhyun replied. “I spent a lot of time on that roof - I have the _perfect_ dare.”  
  
Changmin raised one eyebrow. “I could pick truth.”  
  
“Are you?”  
  
“…Nope.”  
  
“Exactly. So - your dare.” Kyuhyun smirked. “I want you to phone Lee Soo Man -“  
  
“Kyuhyun!” Changmin snapped, cutting him off. “Nothing that could potentially destroy a career!”  
  
“Relax,” Kyuhyun snorted. “He won’t know it’s you - I want you to call him and pretend to be his one-night-stand from the last time he got severely drunk.”  
  
There was an awkward pause.  
  
“…Wow.” Minho thought for a moment. “You realise, Changmin, that it’s more important than ever that you win, right? Otherwise Lee Soo Man will realise that you made the call - ”  
  
“Shut up!” Changmin looked embarrassed. “Fine,” he sighed, “whatever, I’ll do it.”  
  
Kyuhyun looked extremely pleased. “Excellent!” he exclaimed. “I _knew_ you weren’t a wimp!”  
  
Changmin snorted. “Says the guy who nearly passed out on the roof.”  
  
“…Shut up before I stick _you_ on the roof.”  
  
…  
  
“I’m not going to be able to get in contact with him,” Changmin muttered, as he pressed the phone against his ear. “The receptionist will pick up, and then what? This’ll never work.”  
  
“Shut up,” Kyuhyun snorted. “You agreed to this, remember?”  
  
Changmin rolled his eyes, still scowling.  
  
“Hello?” said the voice on the other end.  
  
“Hello,” Changmin responded, taking on the highest pitch he could manage without potentially damaging his vocal cords (and that was _pretty_ high). “I’d like to speak to Lee Soo Man.”  
  
‘Never going to work’ he mouthed to his friends, who had pointed the dreaded camera at him.  
  
“Sure,” the receptionist said, without even a pause. “I’ll put you on right away.”  
  
“…Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me.”  
  
“No problems?” Kyuhyun smirked.  
  
Changmin’s expression darkened further. “Shut up.”  
  
A moment later a familiar voice (one that sent _chills_ up Changmin’s spine, and up the spines of pretty much anyone who heard it).  
  
“Hello?” Lee Soo Man asked.  
  
Changmin took a deep breath and, in that moment, decided that he would show his friends that he had more guts than both of them combined (he would also smash their faces in, but he’d wait until after their promotions were over - he wasn’t _that_ cruel). And anyway, it’s not like his boss would ever find out it was him…he might as well have some fun with this.  
  
“Hey big guy,” he said; the fake high-pitched voice did not falter even once. “It’s me again.”  
  
“…I’m sorry?”  
  
“You remember? The hot spunky…waitress…from two nights ago?”  
  
Kyuhyun snorted.  
  
“Take that back!” Minho hissed. “Don’t give him an exact date!”  
  
Changmin rolled his eyes. “I take that back,” he said. “It was a random date that I can’t remember, because my mind was _way_ too fogged up with alcohol to remember insignificant details such as the day I slept with some random.”  
  
There was a pause.  
  
“…I remember the ‘random’ though.” He smirked. “How could I forget your - ”  
  
“Firm hunky arse!” Kyuhyun piped up.  
  
“ - firm hunky arse.”  
  
Kyuhyun grinned. “Wow,” he murmured, “he is _really_ getting into this, isn’t he?”  
  
“Yeah…” Minho frowned slightly. “It’s kind of creepy…”  
  
Changmin took a deep breath, forcing away any inklings of embarrassment. “So,” he cooed, “remember me?”  
  
“I have _no_ idea what you are talking about!” snapped the voice on the other end. “If this is some sort of - scam - ”  
  
“It’s not a scam Sooey.”  
  
“…Sooey?”  
  
“Mm-hmm.” Changmin bit back a giggle. “I called you that mid-orgasm, don’t you remember?”  
  
Minho hit the floor, barely able to contain his laughter; it almost made the tortured screams of _“those words are going to haunt your NIGHTMARES!”_ that echoed through Changmin’s head seem worth it.  
  
“I demand to know who this is!” Lee Soo Man hissed, sounding immensely flustered.  
  
Ignoring the question, Changmin continued his mad tirade. “I just wanted to tell you that I am _totally_ looking forward to those plans we organised.”  
  
“I don’t know what plans - ”  
  
“Bye!” Pausing, he hurriedly added, “oh and also, as a side-note, I think I might be pregnant with your baby.”  
  
Changmin slammed the phone down, taking a deep, shuddering breath.  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
“…Wow.” Kyuhyun shook his head, looking slightly amazed.  
  
“Changmin, I have to say, I am _impressed,”_ Minho murmured, his eyes wide.  
  
Changmin smirked. _“Told_ you I wasn’t a wimp.”  
  
“Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far,” Kyuhyun interjected, smirking slightly. “But that was definitely something.”  
  
The other maknae rolled his eyes, turning to the youngest in the room. “Minho,” he said, “it’s your turn.”  
  
“Hey, hey, slow down!” Minho laughed. “Why don’t we just continue tomorrow?”  
  
“Fine,” Changmin acceded, “but why don’t I tell you your dare _now - ”_  
  
“Or truth.”  
  
Changmin raised an eyebrow at Kyuhyun. “Are we _really_ still doing this?” he asked. “Nobody wants truth, we’ve pretty much established that.”  
  
“Alright, give me my dare then,” Minho cut in, gazing expectedly at his friend.  
  
“Okay.” Changmin smirked. “I want you to sneak into Jessica’s room and steal an item of her clothing.”  
  
Silence ensured, and Minho went as pale as Kyuhyun had been on the roof.  
  
Changmin’s smirk grew. “Quit?”  
  
“Of course not,” the rapper choked. “Er - just to be sure, when you say ‘Jessica’, are you talking about SNSD’s Jessica?”  
  
“No, the stripper across the road - of _course_ I mean SNSD’s Jessica!”  
  
“Right.” Minho swallowed heavily and averted his gaze.  
  
“Wow Changmin,” Kyuhyun gushed. “You’re acting like _quite_ the badass right now, do you know that?”  
  
Changmin snorted. “You sound like a teenager in love.”  
  
Kyuhyun shrugged. “Well, I’d kiss you for making Minho look like he’s about to piss himself.”  
  
 _“…Please_ don’t.”  
  
…  
  
Changmin couldn’t help but feel _immensely_ proud of himself as he sat alone in the dorm later that day, running over the day’s events. He was pretty sure he was one of the first of the three to take a dare to it’s full potential, and the looks of admiration on his friend’s faces had been _awesome._  
  
When the door slammed open, Changmin realised that it had _probably_ been a good idea to savour his victory for as long as he could, because he just _knew_ something bad was approaching.  
  
“Hey hyung,” he greeted, seeing that it was Yunho who had arrived (the look of maddened rage wasn’t _necessarily_ a bad thing - maybe he was just practicing incase they ever needed it for a music video?). “What are you - ”  
  
“What the _hell_ is your problem?!”  
  
…An angry voice could be considered sexy, and you needed your sexy voice for singing, right? Maybe Yunho was just practicing…  
  
 _“Changmin!”_  
  
Everything had an explanation…  
  
“Why do you look so mad?” the maknae nervously inquired.  
  
“Why do you _think?!”_ the elder male snarled. “You _know_ what I’m talking about! Tell me why manager-hyung called me, demanding which one of us called _Lee Soo Man_ , claiming to be a _prostitute?!”_  
  
“It wasn’t a prostitute, it was a - ” Changmin paused in his attempts to defend himself. “…Wait, how does he know?”  
  
 _“There IS a thing called ‘caller ID’ you know!”_  
  
“…Crap, should have used a pay phone…”  
  
Yunho sank into a nearby chair, burying his head into his hands. “Changmin,” he moaned, “what the _hell_ is wrong with you?!”  
  
Changmin seated himself beside the elder, nervously wringing his hands. “Am I…am I in a lot of trouble?” He swallowed heavily.  
  
Yunho lifted his head. “No,” he sighed wearily. “Manager-hyung managed to convince him that you were seriously drunk.”  
  
Changmin paled.  
  
“Well, it’s better than telling him the truth - that you’re _fucking mental!”_  
  
Changmin flinched slightly. “Hyung…”  
  
“Dear god,” Yunho moaned, and his head returned to it’s previous position, buried deeply within his hands. “I sound like a father. I’m too young to be a father. I never signed up for this. I signed up to be a singer, _not a father!”_  
  
Changmin stared.  
  
“…I might have had a bit to drink while you were gone,” Yunho added, miserably.  
  
As the elder continued his frustrated rant, Changmin whipped out his phone, hurriedly texting Minho and Kyuhyun.  
  
 _‘I think we’ve broken Yunho-hyung.’_


	8. Wrath of the Ice Princess

Minho decided that, if he survived this experience, he would make sure that Changmin _suffered_ (and Kyuhyun, because you know…it was Kyuhyun).  
  
“Okay,” he muttered to himself. “Sneak into the dorm - good thing they leave the front door open.” Or not a good thing, because the girls were famous as hell, and he cared dearly about them even if, at the moment, he wished they didn’t exist so that he didn’t have to do this stupid dare. Maybe he would call them later and subtly suggest that they make more of an effort to bolt their doors…  
  
Minho frowned, his eyes flickering around the room. The camera was clutched in his hands. His eyes landed on a closet door and he figured that that was _probably_ where Jessica kept her clothes. He wondered over, opened the door and reached inside, his hands making contact with a piece of clothing.  
  
He was prepared to grab it when, suddenly -  
  
 _“What the HELL do you think you’re doing?!”_  
  
Minho froze, his face paling dramatically. He whirled around, dreading what he would see.  
  
Jessica stood in the doorway, her eyes burning with an intense rage that Minho had only ever seen in horror movies.  
  
 _“WELL?!”_ she snarled.  
  
“J-J-J-Jessica,” he stuttered.  
  
There was the sound of rapid footsteps and Yoona appeared in the doorway beside her elder bandmate.  
  
“Hey,” she said, “what’s - ” She paused as her gaze locked with Minho’s. “…Minho?”  
  
“Oh! Minho!” Sunny bounced up next to Yoona (god, he had chosen an awful time to break in, hadn’t he?). “Hey everyone!” she yelled. “Minho’s in Jessica’s room!”  
  
Minho stood stock still, horror shining in his eyes, as he was suddenly surrounded by a horde of excited girls. What made it worse was that, on any other occasion he would be _loving_ this…however now, all he could think was, _‘please, dear god, let this be a nightmare…’_  
  
…  
  
Standing outside the SNSD dorms, Changmin frowned. “Why do I suddenly feel like I’ve sent my friend to his death?”  
  
“Because,” Kyuhyun responded, “do you hear that?”  
  
“…No…”  
  
“It’s the sound of screaming girls.” Kyuhyun smirked. “I’d say that he’s been caught.”  
  
Changmin paled. “Oh _shit.”_  
  
…  
  
“Jessica, what’s Minho doing in your room?” Tiffany asked, her tone a mixture of curiosity and amusement.  
  
“I,” Minho choked. “Er…”  
  
“What are you holding?” Taeyeon asked, squinting at Minho’s hands. “Is that…oh my god, is that Jessica’s _bra?!”_  
  
It was like a scene out of a horror movie, where you just _know_ there is something dreadful behind you - and for Minho, this ‘dreadful’ thing was the sight of Jessica’s bra clutched tightly in his hand.  
  
Oh god, of all items of clothing, it just _had_ to be that, didn’t it?  
  
“Hahaha,” the rapper choked, trying to ignore the looks of shock and indigence on the faces of those surrounding him (and oh god, they were _surrounding_ him - closing in on all corners…). “You know, there is a very good explanation for this - ”  
  
“I’m going to _smash_ your face in!” Jessica shrieked, a look of mad rage etched across her face.  
  
“Wait!” Minho pleaded. “Hear me out! There is a really, really, _really_ good reason for why I am holding onto your undergarments!”  
  
“I never knew Minho was such a pervert…” Sooyoung murmured softly.  
  
“We’re all assuming things,” Seohyun said, frowning slightly. “Maybe there _is_ a good reason.”  
  
“Oh the maknae,” Hyoyeon sighed, shaking her head. “So, so innocent…”  
  
“You shouldn’t be touching things like that!” Taeyeon looked and sounded furious. “They’re private!”  
  
Minho threw his arms in the air (probably not a good thing since, in all the confusion, he had forgotten to let go of the bra, and it was now in perfect sight for everyone to see). “God!” he yelled, “would everyone stop _ganging up on me?!”_  
  
An excited squeal cut off any further conversation. Yuri burst into the room, an eager look on her face (Minho would have appreciated how pretty it made her look, but she was one of _them_ , so…).  
  
“I just got off the phone with Key!” she gasped, her eyes shining. “You are not going to _believe_ what he told me - ” She paused, her eyes widening when she caught sight of the only male in the room. “Minho?!”  
  
“…Why does the world hate me?”  
  
“Minho, Key told me about you and Taemin!” Yuri squealed. “It is just _sooooo_ cute!”  
  
“Why, why - ”  
  
“ - and apparently everyone’s fairly certain that Taemin reciprocates those feelings - ”  
  
Minho screwed his eyes shut, letting out a choked sob.  
  
“Wait!” Jessica shrieked, disbelief coating her voice. “You like _Taemin?!”_  
  
Yuri’s eyes flickered to Minho’s hands. “…What are you holding?”  
  
“What the hell?!” Jessica stormed up to him, her eyes wild. “You…you confessed to that adorable little angel and you…you…you’ve been going through my _underwear drawer?!”_  
  
“It wasn’t like that,” Minho weakly protested, as gasps or anger and horror emitted from all those present in the room.  
  
“Maybe he just wanted to try it on?” Seohyun suggested innocently. “I hear men get curious at times.”  
  
“…It was like _that_ either.”  
  
“Oh my god!” Sooyoung shrieked, pointing frantically at the camera (oh god, thought Minho, why doesn’t this all just _stop?!)_. “Were you going to _film_ us?!”  
  
“He was going to film us!” Yoona shrieked, backing away in horror.  
  
Hyoyeon shook her head. “Who _knew_ what he would have gotten on camera - ”  
  
Seohyun smiled slightly. “Any funny movies on there?”  
  
“Seohyun, no!” Tiffany snapped. “Perverts are _bad!”_  
  
“I knew that,” the maknae frowned. “I just don’t think that he is one.”  
  
Minho decided that now would be a _very_ good time to pray - or at least that’s what he thought before Jessica slapped him across the face.  
  
Nope…no one, not even God, could make this situation better.  
  
Jessica let out a frustrated shriek. _“Get the hell out of my room - ”_  
  
Minho scurried away towards the window.  
  
“Dammit, leave the goddamn bra!”  
  
Minho froze, his eyes flickering to his hand that was still clutching the cursed garment. He dropped it with a small cry, scurried forward, and jumped out the window.  
  
…He realised too late that he was in a two-storey building.  
  
“Ow…” he moaned. He opened his eyes, horrified to see those cursed things (they weren’t girls, they were demons, dammit). “Why…?”  
  
“Shit,” he heard Kyuhyun murmur. “Is the camera broken?”  
  
“Is _Minho_ broken?” Changmin asked, horrified.  
  
…  
  
“Alright girls, group meeting!” Taeyeon cried, clapping her hands. The eight other girls wandered over, all seating themselves down and staring expectedly at their leader. A few hours after Minho’s dramatic exit and everyone was _still_ talking about the events of that afternoon.  
  
“Alright,” Taeyeon said, “now, what are we going to do about this?”  
  
“Well, I’m definitely burning that bra,” Jessica muttered moodily.  
  
“…You know, Minho’s kind of hot,” Tiffany mused.  
  
“He betrayed Taemin!” Yuri protested, staring at her in disbelief.  
  
Seohyun’s lip wobbled and tears clouded her vision. “But Taemin’s so cute,” she sniffed. “How could anyone _do_ that to him?!”  
  
“That son of a bitch!” Jessica spat, her gaze burning holes into the wall. “First he hurts that perfect little angel, and now he’s making our maknae cry?!” She slammed her fist on the arm of her chair. “He is going down!”  
  
“This can’t get out,” Taeyeon told them.  
  
Yoona frowned. “Unnie, what do you mean?” she inquired.  
  
“Imagine how distraught Taemin would be!” Taeyeon shook her head, obviously upset at the thought. “He’s just so fragile!”  
  
“Oh my god!” Sunny cried, her hands slamming over her mouth. “But…we can’t keep this a secret, can we?! I mean, it would be so wrong…”  
  
“Let’s just keep quiet for now,” Sooyoung suggested. She chewed hesitantly on her lip. “I mean…maybe this was just a one time thing? I don’t want to get Taemin upset for nothing…”  
  
“I never thought Minho was like this,” Taeyeon sighed, shaking her head.


	9. Hospital Blues

“Um, hey - ” Kyuhyun said, when the door of Shinee’s dorm opened to reveal a smiling Onew.  
  
“Hey,” Onew greeted cheerily. “What brings you around?”  
  
“Where’s Minho?” Kyuhyun questioned and, if he was anyone other than his evil-maknae-self, he would have backed away slowly at the sight of an enraged Key, which appeared only moments later.  
  
“Uh…”  
  
“Key!” Jonghyun snapped, a clear warning present in his voice.  
  
“He’s upstairs,” Onew said, and this time the cheery air seemed more than a little forced. “Still in bed I think.”  
  
“Huh…well then. I’ll be going upstairs then.” Kyuhyun gave him a small smile, and extended this to Jonghyun and Key as well, ignoring the latter’s obvious unhappiness.  
  
“Can’t believe my baby is in love with that - ”  
  
 _“Key!”_  
  
“What’s wrong?” Taemin inquired, wandering into the room. Key forced a cheery expression onto his face.  
  
“Nothing!” he responded, hurriedly. “Nothing at all!”  
  
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only sane person in this company,” Kyuhyun muttered as he headed up the stairs. He was too far away to here Jonghyun’s amused cough.  
  
Kyuhyun hurried over to Minho’s room, threw open the door, and hurled himself at the sleeping form on the bed.  
  
 _“Rise and shine, it’s time for - ”_  
  
 _“JESUS CHRIST, LEAVE ME ALONE!”_  
  
Kyuhyun blinked, staring at his enraged friend blankly. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” he finally demanded.  
  
 _“Everything!”_ Minho spat. _“Everything_ is wrong - Taemin won’t talk to me, Key keeps muttering every time I enter the room, Jonghyun and Onew just…smile.” He took a deep shuddering breath, his eyes wide (well, wider than usual). “When I’m around them, it’s like I’m stuck on the set of “Hello”, with those creepy smiles and… _it doesn’t end!”_  
  
Kyuhyun smirked. “Is that an ‘I quit’?”  
  
Minho gaped at him for a moment. “Are you a heartless _monster?!”_ he spluttered. _“NO_ it’s not an ‘I quit’, it’s a ‘take me to the _fucking_ hospital because I think I broke my _goddamn_ arm!”  
  
“Oh…” Kyuhyun stared at it for a long moment. “…Shit, that doesn’t look good.”  
  
“You _think?!”_  
  
The evil maknae chewed on his lip. “Well, why did you say anything yesterday?” he asked, concern evident in his tone.  
  
“Because you idiot,” Minho snarled, “the pain didn’t hit until I woke up to the feeling of your _body on top of me!”_  
  
“Okay, okay, calm down!” Kyuhyun said, letting out a nervous laugh, and holding his palms forward in a defensive gesture. “Look, we were meant to meet Changmin back at my dorms, so I’ll just text him and tell him to wait for us at - ”  
  
“Kyuhyun I am in _AGONY_ right now!” Minho snarled. “I don’t fucking _CARE!”_  
  
“ - my dorm.” Kyuhyun coughed. “Right, so, uh…painkillers?”  
  
“Not unless _YOU_ are willing to _SWALLOW THE WHOLE DAMN BOTTLE!”_  
  
“…Right, okay, let’s get going then.”  
  
…  
  
“You couldn’t even change out of your pyjamas?”  
  
Minho shot Kyuhyun a glare. “I’ll make sure to do that when my arm _stops hurting like a bitch!”_  
  
“While your at it, stop _acting_ like a bitch,” Kyuhyun muttered.  
  
“What are you guys doing?” Onew questioned, glancing up from where he sat with the rest of his band in front of the television.  
  
“I’m taking Minho to the hospital,” Kyuhyun told him.  
  
Onew’s eyes grew wide with alarm. _“What?!”_ he cried, shooting upright. “Is he alright?!”  
  
“Minho’s going to the hospital?!” Key demanded.  
  
“I’m sure you are _loving_ this,” Minho muttered bitterly.  
  
“What do I look like, an _animal?!”_ Key shrieked. “I’m the team umma, dammit!”  
  
“Yeah,” Minho snorted, “the ‘team umma’ who plays favourites…”  
  
Key’s expression darkened. “Shut up.”  
  
“Why does hyung need to go to the hospital?” Taemin asked, evidently perturbed by the thought.  
  
“He tripped upstairs and broke his arm or something,” Kyuhyun’s voice was strangely dismissive (at least to the members of Shinee, who didn’t know that he was breezing over the ‘facts’ so that no one caught wind of the fact that they were _utter bullshit_ ). “We’re just going to get it checked out,” he added, seeing the horrified looks of those around them.  
  
“How are you going to get there?” Jonghyun inquired.  
  
“We’ll take the car,” Kyuhyun replied.  
  
Jonghyun blinked. “What car?”  
  
“Kyu brought one,” Minho responded.  
  
Kyuhyun shot him an odd look in response to this. “No I didn’t.”  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
“…We’ll just take the bus then.” Minho attempted to shrug, immensely regretting this moments later when he remembered the state of his arm.  
  
“You can’t take the bus!” Key protested. “We gave up those privileges the day we became famous idols.”  
  
 _“The day we became famous idols.”_ Jonghyun shook his head. “Good job on summarising the years of pain and handwork we suffered through to _get_ to this position.”  
  
“…Shut _up!”_  
  
“Fine, we’ll take a taxi,” Minho sighed.  
  
Onew frowned. “But what if the drivers a fan? Or if he recognises one of you…”  
  
“Then we’ll _take the bus!”_  
  
 “Wouldn’t it be better if we take the taxi?” Kyuhyun cut in. “I mean, the chances of one person not recognising us are better than the chances of every person in a possibly crowded bus not recognising us.”  
  
“Hmm, true,” Key agreed, thoughtfully. “…However, would you rather - ”  
  
“Dammit, could we _STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS?!”_ Minho howled.  
  
“…Right!” Kyuhyun smiled. “Taxi it is!”  
  
…  
  
Changmin sighed as he held his phone to his ear, waiting for his call to be answered. His eyes flittered to the clock and he gritted his teeth slightly; he’d been waiting in the Super Junior dorms for Kyuhyun and Minho - Kyuhyun had said that he’d be making a ‘quick trip’ to the Shinee dorms to collect their friend, but he doubted that _two hours_ could be classified as a ‘quick trip.’  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Where the _hell_ are you?!” Changmin demanded. “I’ve been waiting at your dorm for ages!”  
  
“Oh…yeah.” Kyuhyun coughed. “I was going to call you but…I really couldn’t be bothered.”  
  
“Don’t worry your bandmates are keeping me company.” Donghae shot him a small wave in response to this; Changmin returned this with a small sigh.  
  
“Leeteuk-hyung has been nagging me about me about the roof scenario,” he continued.  
  
“He’s _still_ going on about that?!” Kyuhyun grumbled.  
  
“ - Eunhyuk-hyung and Donghae-hyung are acting like themselves - geez, no _wonder_ there is so much ‘Eunhae’ on the internet.”  
  
“My thoughts exactly,” Kyuhyun agreed.  
  
“…And Yesung-hyung is fingering Sungmin-hyungs’s philtrum…oh wait, there he goes with Siwon-hyung’s…but anyway, enough of that.” Changmin dragged his eyes away from the events taking place. “Where are you guys?”  
  
“I’m taking Minho to the hospital.”  
  
Changmin choked. “You’re going to the _hospital?!”_  
  
 _“WHAT?!”_ Leeteuk shrieked, paling dramatically.  
  
“…Could you please repeat that exclamation?” Kyuhyun questioned. “Just change it to _‘Minho_ is going to the hospital!’ - I don’t want Teukie-hyung to have an aneurism.”  
  
“He’s taking Minho to the hospital,” Changmin told the horrified occupants of the room.  
  
There was a collective sigh of relief.  
  
“I’m glad I’m so loved,” Changmin heard Minho mutter from the other line.  
  
“Just hang out there and we’ll meet you there as soon as we’re done,” Kyuhyun told him.  “And then - ” Kyuhyun paused, and Changmin heard a flurry of conversation in the background.  
  
“Kyu?”  
  
“…The driver happens to be an ELF.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Kyuhyun sighed miserably. “He just asked me who the biggest in the band is.”  
  
Changmin’s brow furrowed. “Well, that’s probably - ”  
  
“ - Who the _biggest_ in the band is.”  
  
There was an awkward pause.  
  
“…Oh.”  
  
“Minho better fucking thank me for this,” Kyuhyun grumbled.  
  
“Hey!” Changmin heard Minho snap. “I _told_ you to take the bus!”  
  
…  
  
“I can’t _believe_ you,” Minho growled. Surrounding them was the busy, constant activity of the hospital waiting room (a sight that Minho really wished he could _destroy)._  
  
Kyuhyun stared at him. “What?”  
  
Minho clenched his jaw, his eyes narrowed on an object clutched in Kyuhyun’s grip. “You left me alone for the past _two hours_ so that you could go and buy a _stuffed gorilla?!”_  
  
“The money goes to charity,” Kyuhyun responded, clutching the toy tightly to his chest. “And I couldn’t choose between the gorilla and the giraffe,” he added.  
  
Minho glared furiously.  
  
“Aww, you’re not actually mad are you?” Kyuhyun sounded disbelieving.  
  
“Hell _yes_ I’m mad,” Minho snapped. “I took some painkillers okay, and lot’s of painkillers make you drowsy and _emotional - ”_  
  
Kyuhyun looked at him oddly. "They gave you painkillers without even letting the doctor take a look at you?”  
  
“Some random lady offered them to me,” Minho said, shrugging.  
  
Kyuhyun gaped at him. “Are you sure they were - ”  
  
“No,” Minho cut him off. “But I was in too much pain to care.”  
  
“Oh.” There was an awkward pause. “…Sorry?”  
  
Minho sighed loudly and slouched back in his chair. “Sometimes I really hate you,” he muttered.  
  
“Um…”  
  
“You know what?!” Minho sat up abruptly, his eyes burning. “You’re going to sit next to me until I tell you to stop, and tell me that I am the most amazing man in the universe, and that you are a wimp.”  
  
“Er…” Kyuhyun blinked. “No I’m not.”  
  
“Yes you are because - ” Minho smirked. “ - I _dare_ you to!”  
  
 _“…That_ is your dare to me?” Kyuhyun sounded slightly incredulous.  
  
“Yes.” Minho nodded his head proudly.  
  
“Changmin’s not here,” Kyuhyun pointed out.  
  
“He can watch it on the goddamn camera later.” Minho rolled his eyes. “You brought your phone, didn’t you?”  
  
“…You’re _seriously_ wasting your chance to torment me with _this?!”_  
  
Minho smirked. “Too wimpy?”  
  
“You’re _mental!”_ Kyuhyun shook his head, evidently amused. “Or maybe just drugged up - either way, I’d be _happy_ to comply Mr. ‘Most-Amazing-Man-in-the-Universe’.”  
  
…  
  
“You’re the most amazing man in the universe, and I am a wimp…you’re the most amazing man in the universe and I am a wimp…you’re the most amazing man in the universe and I am a wimp…you’re the most amazing - ”  
  
“Dammit!” shrieked a nearby woman. “Tell your boyfriend to _shut the hell up!”_  
  
“Hey!” Kyuhyun paused his mantra to stare at her indignantly. “I’m not his _boyfriend!”_  
  
Minho’s eyes widened. “Hey!” he cried, a triumphant grin spreading across his face. “You _stopped_ …therefore, you just _LOST!”_ He jumped to his feet, letting out a hysterical little laugh. “You _lost_ Cho Kyuhyun!”  
  
Kyuhyun gaped in utter horror (in the background the woman banged her head on a nearby wall). _“No!”_ he wailed, rapidly shaking his head in denial. “That’s - that’s stupid! This wasn’t even a proper _dare!”_  
  
Minho smirked. “Really? Because you seemed so _eager_ to do it before you _lost.”_  
  
“I…no!” Kyuhyun’s eyes widened. “I didn’t lose! Because, technically, _you_ lost first!”  
  
Minho snorted. “What the hell are you talking about?”  
  
“You’re dare yesterday was to sneak into Jessica’s room and steal an item of her clothing - you never completed that dare!” Kyuhyun panted heavily, clearly anxious to get out everything he wanted to say. “You didn’t bring anything back!”  
  
Minho stared at him and, for a long moment, all you could hear was the vague sound of a head hitting the wall (an hour of hearing Kyuhyun’s voice seemed to have affected the woman quite a bit).  
  
“…How about I make you a deal?” he said at last.  
  
Kyuhyun raised one eyebrow.  
  
“We both completed our dares, everything went great, and Changmin never needs to know about this.” Minho looked hopeful. “How does that sound?”  
  
Kyuhyun’s brow rose higher. “Are you saying that we _lie_ to our best friend?”  
  
“…Yes.”  
  
“…Well _obviously_ you _moron!”_ Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, letting out an amused snort. “What, did you think I was going to _tell_ him that I lost - and, for all intents and purposes, my dare was completed, right?” His eyes narrowed slightly.  
  
Minho frowned. “I don’t know - ”  
  
“Because _technically_ you lost first…”  
  
 _“ - buuuuut_ I suppose we could always delete the last part of the video.” Minho forced a smile onto his face. “We have about an hour of footage, I’m sure Changmin won’t notice.”  
  
“Exactly.” Kyuhyun smirked. “It seems we’ve forged an alliance then?”  
  
Minho snorted. “Don’t get ahead of yourself Cho.”  
  
“Aww, the love birds have made up,” the woman spat sarcastically. “Now why don’t you skip off into the sunset and _leave us in peace?!”_  
  
“Hey, what’s your problem?” Kyuhyun asked, incredulously.  
  
“My _problem,”_ the woman growled, “is that I have food poisoning after eating in some _dodgy_ restaurant that my husband took us to on our goddamn _anniversary,_ and it was supposed to be _special_ but he just _left_ half way through with a ‘I’ll let you take the car’ - like that was some _big_ sacrificial feat that I should be thanking him for or something - I _paid_ for that car - ”  
  
Minho and Kyuhyun stared.  
  
The doctor wandered out a moment later, calling out a random name that made Minho want to copy the woman’s previous actions in banging his head on the wall, because it wasn’t _his._ However, Kyuhyun latched onto his arm (his good arm, otherwise the evil maknae would no longer be conscious) and nodded his head.  
  
“That’s us.”  
  
Minho stared at him. “…No it isn’t.”  
  
“Yes it _is,”_ Kyuhyun sighed. “I entered you in on a fake name.”  
  
“…Kyuhyun, is that even _legal?!”_  
  
“Well, would you rather a horde of fans surrounding you amidst your pain-filled state?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Relax, I explained our situation to the receptionist - it is _shocking_ how easy it is to bribe someone when you use the old _‘I’m famous and I’ll give you my autograph’_ speech…” He frowned slightly. “…Of course it took a few music videos, a couple of tv interviews, and a bunch of google images to convince her…”  
  
Minho gaped, disbelievingly.  
  
“What?” Kyuhyun snorted. “You didn’t _actually_ think I spent the whole two hours buying a _stuffed gorilla_ did you?”  
  
…  
  
Changmin was seriously going to kill someone.  
  
“Maybe you could try calling again?” Leeteuk suggested, like the good leader he was (which would have had a better effect if Kangin hadn’t been giving him a foot massage at the time - seriously, Changmin was starting to wander if there was more truth to those fandom couples than he’d thought).  
  
“I tried, and I tried, and I tried some more,” Changmin grumbled. “Kyuhyun’s an idiot, and Minho’s an idiot, and it has been _hours.”_  
  
“Cake?” Ryeowook suggested.  
  
“No hyung,” Changmin gritted out. “I don’t want _cake_ \- you have already fed me cookies, apple pie, brownies and _more cookies_ \- we have diets for a reason you know.”  
  
“But there so good!” Eunhyuk protested, his mouth full.  
  
Changmin opened his mouth to respond, but before he could get anything out, the door slammed open. Heechul hurled himself into the room, his eyes wide with excitement.  
  
 _“MINHO HAD SEX WITH JESSICA!”_  
  
 _…Oh_ Minho was going to kill him.  
  
“Heechul, what the _hell?!”_ Leeteuk spluttered.  
  
“Did you not hear me?!” Heechul’s eyes shone; he was practically giddy with excitement. “Minho had - ”  
  
“We heard you the first time!” Donghae interrupted. “Who the hell told you that?!”  
  
“You know Kai from Exo?” Everyone nodded; Heechul continued. “Well yeah, I bumped into him and he was _pissed,_ because you know how close he is with Taemin - ”  
  
“What does Taemin have to do with this?” Yesung asked, frowning slightly.  
  
“I dunno.” Heechul shrugged. “Apparently Minho wants to go it with him as well or something - anyway, that’s not the point. Kai heard from Victoria, who heard from Sulli, who heard from Sehun, who heard from Kris, who was in China and received a call from Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who found Seohyun crying about it in the hallways.”  
  
There was a long _(long)_ pause.  
  
Changmin swallowed heavily, and decided that now would be a good time to stop attempting to contact his two friends.  
  
“What?” Leeteuk choked.  
  
“I know right!” Heechul nodded, looking outraged. “We’re the goddamn _last_ people to know, and just _look_ at how many members of _Exo_ already know! I mean, _what?!”_  
  
…  
  
 _(Earlier that day…)_  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Baekhyun asked, looking concerned as he knelt beside a sobbing Seohyun.  
  
Seohyun sniffed, rubbing furiously at her eyes. “I shouldn’t - I shouldn't - ”  
  
Chanyeol, who was also present, looked just as concerned.  
  
“…Oh I can’t keep this to myself anymore!” Seohyun leapt to her feet. “We caught Minho holding Jessica’s bra!”  
  
Chanyeol and Baekhyun stared.  
  
 _“…After_ he’d already confessed to Taemin!” She let out a choked sob, tears pouring down her cheeks. “Oh, I just feel so _bad_ for him!”  
  
…  
  
 _“What_ did you say?!”  
  
Luhan sighed. “Kris, we need to - ”  
  
 _“Shh!”_ Kris held a finger to his lips, and pressed the phone closer to his ear with his other hand.  
  
“Wait, let me make sure I understand completely,” he spoke into the receiver; disbelief oozed from his words. “Minho cheated on Taemin with Jessica’s bra?!”  
  
Luhan choked.  
  
“…Minho wanted to cheat on Taemin with Jessica and was holding her bra?” Kris’s brow furrowed. “Well, that makes more sense…”  
  
…  
  
“That’s crazy,” Sehun snorted, rolling his eyes. As he held the phone to his ear, he heard the person on the other end - Kris - let out a noise of protest.  
  
“It’s true!” he insisted. “Baekhyun told me so.”  
  
“So you’re telling me that Minho got caught with Jessica’s bra?”  
  
…  
  
 _“The girls found Minho with Jessica’s bra!”_  
  
Sulli stared at Sehun, her eyes widening with disbelief (partially because she had been walking aimlessly through the makeup rooms of the studio, and hadn’t been expecting any random exclamations to pop up from out of nowhere, and partially because of what had been said).  
  
“…What?!”  
  
…  
  
“…so the girls walked in on him _taking off Jessica’s bra!”_ Sulli looked immensely distressed as she stared at Victoria. _“He was supposed to be dating Taemin!”_  
  
Victoria’s eyes darkened.  
  
…  
  
“Do you know what that bastard Minho did?!” Victoria snarled. “He cheated on Taemin with Jessica!”  
  
Since everyone seemed to enjoy hanging around the makeup rooms for whatever reason, Victoria had hurried over, eager to tell the news to anyone she could find (because, oh, she was _furious)._  
  
 _“WHAT?!”_ howled Kai, his eyes burning with intense rage.  
  
“They were about to have sex!” Victoria shook her head angrily. “The SNSD girls walked in on him and Jessica, and he was _taking her clothes off!”_  
  
…  
  
“About to have sex?” Heechul smirked. “Why, that’s just boring…I think wild, passionate monkey sex is what _really_ happened.”  
  
Kai simply punched the wall in response.


	10. Yunho Goes a Little Crazy

It was a fairly quiet day in the SHINee dorms - or at least it _was_ until Jonghyun and Onew’s peaceful afternoon was interrupted by a hysterical shriek, belonging to none other than Key.

“Oh sweet Jesus,” Jonghyun groaned. “What _now?!”_

“You go and ask him what’s wrong,” Onew ordered.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened. “What?!” he yelped. “Why me?!”

“Because,” Onew shot back, not removing his eyes from the television screen, “I’m the leader of this band _and_ your hyung. Therefore, what I says goes.”

“…I can’t believe they all think that you’re the nice one.” Standing up, Jonghyun narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath, before heading in the direction of the scream.

“Key?” he inquired, as he stepped into the kitchen.

Key didn’t respond, simply tightening his pre-existing death-grip on the kitchen counter.

Jonghyun swallowed, slightly perturbed by the murderous expression on Key’s face. “Key,” he laughed nervously, “remember, any damage to the dorms and we’ll have to pay for it - and SM aren’t exactly great with the pay checks - ”

“Do you _know_ what that son of a bitch _did?!”_ Key shrieked.

“…I’m going to guess that the ‘son of a bitch’ is Minho.”

_“HE CHEATED ON TAEMIN!”_

“You _do_ realise that they actually have to be _together_ for that, right?” Jonghyun pointed out.

Key shook his head, struggling to get his words out amidst his rage. “You - he _confessed_ to my baby, and know he’s _sleeping_ with another woman - ”

“I _knew_ Minho wasn’t gay!”

Key’s eyes flashed dangerously.

“Oh come on,” Jonghyun awkwardly laughed. “Minho probably wasn’t serious about that confession and - come on, Taemin wasn’t in love with him! He was _horrified!”_

The look of contempt on Key’s face deepened. _“No_ you idiot,” he spat, “he was overcome by _love!”_

Jonghyun shook his head in disbelief. “No he wasn’t, and Jesus Key, where are you _getting_ this stuff from?!”

“And what about the fact that he just had sex with Jessica from SNSD?!” Key snarled.

“…He did _not!”_

“Yes he _did!”_ Key yelled. “Heechul-hyung just called me - ”

“Oh, _him?!”_ Jonghyun let out a relieved laugh. “Jesus Key, you actually had me _worried_ for a second!”

_“…And_ about ten other people - and some weird call from Kris, something about Minho making out with a bra…” Key frowned and shook his head. “I don’t know, he was giggling too hard for me to tell.”

“Look,” Jonghyun sighed, laying a hand on his irate friend’s shoulder. “I’m sure it’s nothing - I mean, seriously, Minho’s not stupid enough to risk causing a scandal!”

At that moment, Onew joined the two in the kitchen. The expression on his face was a mixture of concern, anger and incredulousness. “I just got a text from Kai,” he announced. “He wanted to know where Minho was. Apparently he wants to ‘bash his face in’ for ‘betraying his bets friend’.” Onew paused and shook his head in disbelief. “Does _anyone_ know what the _hell_ is going on?!”

…

“I cannot _believe_ that you guys left me alone for _six hours!”_ Changmin exclaimed, his tone slightly incredulous. The trio sat in the DBSK dorms, having left the Super Junior dorms shortly prior.

“Don’t blame me, blame Minho” Kyuhyun retorted. “He’s the one with the _bruised_ arm.”

“Look, it felt broken, okay?” Minho defensively snapped. “And it wasn’t just bruised, it was _severely_ bruised!”

“You know what else I can’t believe?” Changmin cut in. “The fact that you completed a dare without me!”

“Well, we figured that you could just watch the video,” Kyuhyun replied, waving his hand dismissively

“That’s not the point!” Changmin snapped. “You - it’s called common _courtesy!”_

“Oh Changmin, I’m sure ‘common courtesy’ doesn’t extend to a game of truth or dare.” Kyuhyun, eager to get the topic of conversation moving, clapped his hands swiftly and said, “come on, it’s time for Changmin’s dare!”

“Maybe I should do my dare _all alone_ as well,” Changmin growled.

“He wasn’t alone, I was with him,” Minho absently interjected. “You were the one who was all alone…”

“…Dammit, just give me the dare already!”

“Right!” Kyuhyun brightened up immediately. “Changmin, Yunho-hyung is in the house, right?”

“We _did_ see him on our way up here,” the DBSK maknae responded dryly.

“Well then.” Kyuhyun smirked. “I dare you to go to various areas of the house and pretend to have sex, so that Yunho-hyung thinks that you really _are_ having sex.”

Changmin and Minho sat still, staring at Kyuhyun in slight disbelief; Minho silently wished that he could take back the previous dare he had given.

“Why have these dares all been _somehow_ sexual?!” Changmin demanded. “…Except for _yours!”_ he added, with a heated glare in Kyuhyun’s direction.

Again, Minho wished he could take his dare back.

“No, instead you destroyed my most prized possession, and almost had me _killed,”_ Kyuhyun shot back.

Minho spluttered. “I fell from a _two story building!”_

“You _jumped,”_ Kyuhyun retorted. “It’s not the same thing.”

_“I_ have had the worst dares so far,” Minho growled. “Ones that have _completely_ ruined my reputation.”

“Leeteuk-hyung seems to think I’m suicidal!” Kyuhyun yelled.

Minho scoffed and clenched his fists tightly, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Everyone thinks I’m a _man-whore!”_ he growled. “I am _never_ going to get lucky in this company, because all the women here want my _head on a platter!”_

“Can we _please_ get this stupid thing over with?” Changmin interjected, realising that this argument could probably drag on for the whole day otherwise (although, personally, his money was on himself - _he_ had, by far, suffered the worse).

…

Yunho sighed as he prepared his lunch - a tuna sandwich - and contemplated just how _boring_ things had been lately. Well…other than Changmin’s little telephone stunt the other day. And, of course, that _horrific_ little conversation he’d shared with the maknae not too long ago…but Yunho didn’t want to think about _that_ \- it still gave him the chills.

A loud shriek met his ears, and he almost dropped the bread in shock. A moment later he realised that it was Changmin.

“What the - ?”

It sounded like a replica of the high note from Mirotic. Was Changmin practicing his vocal skills or something? Strange; they usually kept the work for the studio. Yunho let a small smile flitter across his face; Changmin was such a good kid…

Yunho was fairly certain he’d seen Minho and Kyuhyun earlier as well; since he hadn’t seen them leave, he was assuming they were still here. Smirking slightly, Yunho wondered if _this_ was what the Kyu-line got up to in there spare time. It was hardly the unspeakable horrors that many of them had been thinking up.

There was another; Yunho grinned, shaking his head slightly. “Geez, that kid is talented,” he muttered.

He picked up his sandwich and took a bite from it as he walked out of the kitchen, making his way to his own bedroom. Briefly, he contemplated the chastening he had given Changmin after the telephone incident, and decided that he would talk to him about it later; he was sure the maknae was only having a bit of fun. Besides, it was just a bit hilarious…

He paused outside of Changmin’s room and tapped on the door, just as Changmin let out another belt.

“Keep up the good work!” he yelled, before continuing on his way.

…

Inside his room, Changmin stood frozen. “Did he _seriously_ just -?”

Kyuhyun, who had been slouched over near Changmin’s bed, sat up abruptly. “I _told_ you that was too…sing-y!” he exclaimed. “You need to make it more…you know. _Sex-like.”_

“Yeah!” Minho agreed enthusiastically. “Throw in a few exclamations too, like - _“oh my god, I think I’m cumming!””_

“…Yes, except make it seem like it _didn’t_ come out of a low-budget teen drama.”

Changmin clenched his teeth slightly. “Fine,” he gritted out. He swallowed, before loudly exclaiming, _“OH WOW, KEEP HITTING ME!”_

Kyuhyun gaped; Minho smashed his palm against his forehead.

_“No_ you moron!” the rapper groaned. “Actually _try_ to sound like you’re getting it!”

“I don’t get it!” Kyuhyun cried. “You were so _good_ when you were on the telephone!”

“I didn’t actually have to pretend that I was having sex that time!” Changmin heatedly shot back.

“Oh for god sake - here.” Kyuhyun gestured for his friends to move closer. “I have an idea.”

…

Yunho paused his stride as a series of strange noises met his ears. He turned back, making his way, once again, to Changmin’s room.

“Hey Changmin, are you - ” He paused outside the maknae’s door, his eyes widening as he realised exactly _what_ he was hearing.

Was that - ? …Oh sweet _lord!_

He stood as still as a statue, too afraid to knock on the door.

“Uh - Changmin?” he finally managed to choke out.

“What?!” Changmin demanded, and sweet lord, _why_ did he sound so out of breath?!

“…What are you doing in there?” Yunho’s voice trembled slightly; he silently wondered if he _really_ wanted to know the answer.

“Hyung go away!” Changmin snapped. “I’m cumming!”

_“…WHAT?!”_

There was no response, just a series of heavy panting noises, and Yunho realised that this was _probably_ for the better. After all, this way he could just pretend that he has misheard Changmin, and the strange noises were all just a figment of his fucked-up imagination.

Yes…that was all it was.

Whirling around, Yunho hurried down the corridor in the direction of the room.

…

“Seriously?!” Kyuhyun growled, staring at Changmin in disbelief. _“‘Hyung I’m cumming’_ \- did you _have_ to add that in?”

“Shut up,” Changmin snapped. “Although,” he added, his expression softening slightly, “good idea.” He gestured to his laptop, where, to put it as simply as possible, porn was playing.

Kyuhyun nodded his head. “It’s a good thing that these guys actually sound convincing when they _aren’t_ yelling out crappy sexual phrases.”

Changmin scowled in response.

“I have to ask,” Minho cut in, curiosity lacing his tone. _“How_ do you know about that website?” He gestured in the direction of the laptop, where the video was still playing.

“I took a peek at our internet history a while back,” Kyuhyun responded. “You’d be surprised by the things you can find when you live with as many men as I do.” Smirking, he added, “my bets are on Heechul-hyung and Eunhyuk-hyung.”

Minho shrugged and then smirked. “Shall we move onto the next stage?” he suggested.

“This is going to be a nightmare to explain to Yunho-hyung,” Changmin sighed.

…

Yunho was ready to tear his hair out.

In this past day, his life, which he’d previously been quite satisfied with, had transformed into a living _nightmare._

As he lay on the _(insanely itchy)_ carpeted floors of the lounge room , he silently mulled over the days events.

_…_

_Yunho paused outside the toilet, staring in vague horror as a familiar set of sounds met his ears._

_“Whose in there?” he asked, dreading the answer._

_“Who do you think?!” Changmin’s breathless voice snapped back. “Hyung, stop interrupting!”_

_“…I need to pee.”_

_“You won’t when you see the state of this toilet,” Changmin retorted. “Go away!”_

_…_

_Seeing as all Yunho had really wanted was a large hunk out of that slab of chocolate that a fan had sent him the previous week (chocolate made pain go away, didn’t it?), the last thing he expected was to see a hand sticking out of the cupboard._

_“What the - ?!”_

_“What do you want?” Changmin asked from_ inside the goddamn cupboard! _Yunho gaped in disbelief._

_“Changmin?” he asked, his voice slightly strangled. Then, deciding that he_ really _didn’t want to stick around, he stuttered out what he wanted. Changmin’s hand disappeared for a moment, and a moment later it reappeared, wielding the bar of chocolate._

_Yunho numbly took it and walked stiffly out of the kitchen, pretending that he couldn’t hear those familiar sounds echoing from behind him._

_…_

_A loud crash came from the other side of the back door; Yunho grabbed onto the butcher’s knife on the kitchen table and gripped it tightly._

_“Whose there?!” he demanded, inching closer to the door._

_A moment later, those dreaded sounds met his ears; briefly, Yunho contemplated over whether he would still need the knife, and then decided to simply walk away._

_…_

Yunho let out a shudder and rolled onto his side, pulling the flimsy blanket tighter around his body. The last he had heard those…those _things,_ they had been coming from _his_ bedroom.

There was no way in hell he was going in there - not until he had the whole room _fumigated._

…

“Minho!” Onew sprinted in front of him almost as soon as he’d stepped into the dorms. On the leader’s face was a grin so _forced_ that it actually made Minho question the other male’s sanity.

“Hyung…?” he asked, slowly.

“We have to ask you a few questions,” Onew said, dragging the younger male into the living room. Jonghyun and Key sat on the couch, side-by-side. Jonghyun had a look that mirrored the one on Onew’s face _(why_ did there need to be two of them?!!), and Key looked murderous…which, really, seemed to be a ongoing thing for him as of lately.

“What’s going on?” Minho asked wearily. Onew and Jonghyun smiled in response (sweet _lord)_ and Key’s glare deepened.

“We know what you did,” Key growled. Minho stared blankly.

“What…?”

“Minho,” Onew cut in. “We’re…concerned. You _really_ shouldn’t be doing things like what you did yesterday - ”

“What I did - ? I’m _really_ not sure I know what your talking about.” Minho felt his brow furrow.

“Oh don’t pretend you don’t know!” Key growled. “We’re talking about what you did with Jessica!”

Minho blanched. “Oh - _god!_ How do you even know about - ? You know what, never mind.” He shook his head rapidly, his cheeks burning. “That was…stupid. And I swear I won’t do it again. Ever.”

“Oh my god,” Jonghyun muttered, “he’s not denying it.”

“I suppose Jessica was mad?” Minho continued weakly.

“Mad?!” Key let out a small, sarcastic laugh. “Why would she be _mad -_ after all, it takes two to do _that!”_

“…What?”

Onew lay a hand on Key’s shoulder, shooting the younger a warning glance. “Let’s not drag this out of proportion,” he said. “Minho admits he did something wrong - and he won’t do it again, will he?” Onew’s gaze flickered to the rapper.

“No,” Minho agreed. In a softer voice, he muttered, “although, I’m not exactly sure I know _what_ we’re talking about anymore…”

“Great!” the leader smiled. “So how about we finish off here, and Key, stop glaring okay?”

The diva glanced away, a scowl still etched on his face.

“Right, that’s it then.” Onew nodded his head, conveying that the meeting had come to an end. Key immediately stormed out of the room; Onew followed, shooting Minho another smile that the rapper silently wished he would just take back.

Jonghyun paused by the doorway and shot Minho a disbelieving stare.

“I _still_ can’t believe it,” he muttered, before walking away.

Once again, Minho wondered if they were all on the same page.

 

 


	11. From Man-Whore to Prostitute

Shortly after returning home from the studio that evening, the last thing Leeteuk expected when he opened his front door, intent to find out just _who_ was disturbing his peace-and-quiet with their frantic knocks (and it was _not_ easy to get any ‘peace and quiet’ when you lived with as many people as he did), was to have Yunho clinging off him.

“Yunho…?” he inquired, utterly bewildered by the panicked expression on his friend’s face.

“Please!” Yunho all but wailed, adding to Leeteuk’s confusion. “I need to talk to _someone!”_

After a brief moment of contemplation, Leeteuk decided that leaving his friend out in the cold, regardless of the _wonders_ it would do for his plans of relaxation, would not be good for his loving-umma-image. So, instead of shutting the door (and he would deny ever considering it), he stepped aside and gestured for the other male to come inside.

…

“ - and it just - _all over the house!_ I’m not even joking, he was even in my _room!”_

As he listened to Yunho’s plight, Leeteuk shook his head, his expression a mixture of shock and sympathy. “Wow,” he murmured, “I never would have thought Changmin had it in him…”

“I _know!”_ Yunho wailed. “I mean, I just gave him the talk a few days ago - ”

“Wait,” Leeteuk interrupted. “You gave Changmin the _talk?”_

“Yeah I know,” Yunho sighed, “it’s a bit strange for a - ”

“No!” Leeteuk leaned forward, his eyes wide. “I mean…I gave _Kyuhyun_ the talk just the other day - strange coincidence, don’t you think?” His brow furrowed, his expression revealing a hint of concern. “Kyuhyun _has_ been acting kind of…strange lately…”

Yunho froze, his eyes growing wide. “Come to think of it,” he said slowly, “Kyuhyun was in the house when Changmin was…you now.” He shuddered slightly. “I mean, I didn’t think much of it at the time - I was preoccupied with my immense fear, but…where did he _go?!”_

Leeteuk swallowed; he paled slightly. “You can’t _possibly_ think - ”

“Oh come on!” Yunho cried. “You’re thinking it too!”

“…But he didn’t even know what sex _was!”_

“Maybe that’s why they chose each other! Maybe they were…experimenting…” Yunho shuddered. A moment later his eyes widened as a sudden thought hit him. “But,” he exclaimed, “Minho was there too!”

“Exactly!” Leeteuk agreed. “So they couldn’t have been - _no!”_

“What?” Yunho asked apprehensively.

Leeteuk stared at him with wide, pitiful eyes. “That’s even more proof that they were!” he moaned. “Have you _heard_ about what Minho’s been up to lately?! I received about five phone calls this morning, and some strange message from Kris that I _think_ was about the same thing - he was giggling too hard for me to understand - ”

“Oh so _that’s_ what that was about,” Yunho exclaimed. “All I could make out was ‘bra’.”

“…I always thought _Kyuhyun_ was the evil one out of the three of them.” Leeteuk shook his head in disbelief. “This is a new low!”

Yunho frantically nodded his head. “Corrupting our maknaes!” he growled. “Destroying my sanity - ”

Leeteuk’s eyes flashed and, at that moment, it was obvious that Minho had more than bloodthirsty female idols to worry about.

“We need to talk to them,” Yunho murmured. “Kyuhyun and Changmin, I mean. Get things straightened out. Maybe…maybe we’re just assuming things.” He sounded slightly hopeful at these words.

_“Yes!”_ Leeteuk was all too eager to agree. “I mean, just because heard some weird sounds that _might_ have been - ”

“There is no ‘might’.”

“ - and just because Minho is a whore, doesn’t mean that they did…that…with each other.”

“Doesn’t it?”

Leeteuk jumped in alarm; Yunho let out a small yelp.

Heechul, who had made the interruption, smirked and walked off.

“…Right,” Yunho choked out a moment later. “So, we’re doing this?”

“Yes. We are.” Leeteuk’s voice was firm. “And I’m sure…I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding.” After a brief pause he added, “for me anyway - Changmin has definitely lost his innocence.”

Yunho glared.

Yesung, who had been standing in the doorway for a while now, slowly backed away, wondering when the _hell_ he had turned into the normal one.

…

“You’re going to dress as a women - ”

“Shut up Kyuhyun,” Minho snapped, cutting the maknae off. The trio sat in the SHINee dorm, where they had all gathered following their schedules that day. _“You_ aren’t supposed to be giving me any dares, Changmin is,” he continued.

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, tough.”

“That’s against the rules!” the rapper retorted. “You don’t have _any_ power over me Cho Kyuhyun!”

“It’s alright,” Changmin interjected. “He can say the dare, and if I like it I’ll approve.”

“Wha - _no!”_ The smirk that had previously adorned Minho’s face rapidly faded, replaced by a look of growing horror (because the _last_ thing he wanted was to be on the receiving end of Kyuhyun’s wrath - Changmin was bad enough). “That’s not fair!”

Changmin simply shrugged. “Well, technically if I approve it, then _he_ isn’t the one giving the dare - ”

_“Exactly!”_ Kyuhyun shouted triumphantly. “So take _that_ you idiot!” He paused, doing a little victory dance. “Anyway,” he continued a moment later, “as I was saying - I want you to dress as a woman, go into you room, pose sexily - or just pose if you can’t manage that - on the bed until someone walks in, and then, when they do, say "Minho told me to wait here while he grabs the handcuffs".”

Dead silence.

“…Seriously why are all these dares related to sex?” Changmin demanded incredulously.

Kyuhyun raised one eyebrow. “You disapprove?”

Changmin snorted. “No, I completely approve - Minho, do you have any women’s clothes on you, or are we going to have to make a quick trip to the store?”

Minho sat as still as a statue, his mouth agape. “This - this - ” He struggled to get his words out. “Dammit, now you’re _both_ working against me?!”

Kyuhyun shrugged. “I want to win.”

“So do I,” Changmin agreed.

Minho’s eyes flashed. “Yeah, well, _so do I!”_ he spat. “And I sure as _hell_ am not giving in to you - so let’s go to the goddamn store and pick me up some bras and panties!”

“Woah, woah, _woah!”_ Kyuhyun held his palms forward, and let out an amused snort. “I just meant the outer garments, but if you _really_ want to go the whole way - ”

“…Let’s pick me up a dress,” Minho muttered, blushing deeply.

…

“Dammit, this dress it too goddamn tight!”

Changmin sighed, shaking his head in response to Minho’s frustrated exclamation. “We _told_ you to try it on - ”

_“No_ dammit!” Minho snapped. “The sales woman was already giving me strange looks!” From his position on the bed, he shifted uncomfortably. “Why the hell is this thing so itchy?!”

“I like the wig,” Kyuhyun piped in. “The colour suits you.”

“Shut up Kyuhyun,” Minho growled.

“And the lipstick,” Kyuhyun continued, smirking slightly.

“Shut _up_ Kyuhyun.”

“No really, you look like a completely different person - ”

“I _said_ shut _UP_ Kyuhyun!”

“Kyu, move over,” Changmin complained, nudging his friend sharply in the side. “It’s getting really cramped in here.”

“You’re sitting in my closet,” Minho muttered darkly, “what do you expect?”

“I’m not moving,” Kyuhyun retorted. “This is the perfect angle for the camera.”

“But - ”

The door of the room opened, and Kyuhyun frantically motioned for Changmin to quiet down. The two maknaes immediately silenced, eagerly anticipating the upcoming events.

The person who stepped into the room shot waves of immense _horror_ up Minho’s spine (and, at the same time, shot waves of a completely different kind up Kyuhyun and Changmin’s).

“Hyung,” Taemin said, “I just wanted to say that - _OH MY GOD!”_

“Why me?” Minho whimpered.

“W-w-w-who are you?” Taemin stuttered, taking a shaky step backwards. “How did you get in here?!”

Minho opened his mouth but no sound came out.

_“HYUNG’S!”_ Taemin shrieked, and Minho imagined hands ripping through the floor and pulling him down (because even hell itself would be better than this). _“THERE’S SOME STRANGE WOMAN IN THE HOUSE! CALL THE POLICE!”_

Minho shook his head in alarm. “No wait, don’t - ”

A series of alarmed voices followed, and Minho knew his fate was sealed.

“What do you mean?!” Jonghyun demanded, frantically rushing forward.

“What woman?!” Onew asked, and for the first time in a while, that horrific, demonic smile had vanished from his face.

 “Oh my god, _my baby!”_ Key wailed, rushing over to Taemin, and clutching the younger male’s shoulders.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Minho whimpered.

“What do you want with us?!” Key demanded, holding a startled Taemin close to his chest.

From their hiding spot, Kyuhyun and Changmin were barely able to suppress their laughter.

Holding back the urge to cry, Minho stuttered out the words that would haunt his nightmares for years to come: “M-Minho asked me to w-wait while he grabs the h-h-handcuffs.”

Silence. Dead, dead, utterly _dead_ silence.

“…Um…” was all Jonghyun could manage; beside him, Onew looked at a loss for words.

Suddenly Key clutched his throat and let out an ear-splitting screech; everyone jumped in alarm, while poor Taemin, who was only centimetres away, let out a loud moan and clutched his ears.

“Baby, you don’t need to listen to this!” Key clamped his hands over Taemin’s ears (which the maknae had already covered with his own hands), and nodded to the open doorway. “Come on, I’ll make you some hot chocolate, and we can photoshop Minho’s head onto the body of a hairy woman.”

Without waiting for a response, Key dragged Taemin out of the room.

Jonghyun’s jaw twitched slightly. “Gah…” he gurgled, unable to manage anything else.

Minho twitched slightly. “Hello,” he said, struggling to hold back a look of intense agony.

Onew’s mouth opened and closed; any more and he’d probably be in danger of stealing Donghae’s ‘fish’ title. “You - you.” He swallowed heavily. _“…Minho_ brought you here?”

“Yes,” Minho replied, his eyes unblinking.

“Right then,” Jonghyun choked, “whoever you are, I’m just going to - er, we’re just going to - you enjoy your time with Minho and - and we’ll just - we’ll leave you to it - right?” He shot a frantic glance at Onew.

“…Sweet lord,” was all Onew could manage.

The two then decided that that would be a perfect time to leave (sprint from) the room.

…

“I _told_ you we had a problem!” Key wailed, pacing the length of the lounge room, while Jonghyun and Onew looked on, still evidently in a state of shock. “I _told_ you - and you both laughed at me. Well whose laughing now?!”

No one replied.

“…I’m not.” Key let out a depressed sigh, his shoulders slumping. “My poor, poor Taeminnie must be hurting so much…another reason why he _cannot_ know about the Jessica-situation.”

Jonghyun glanced in the direction of the staircase. “Er, do you think she’s still up their?” he inquired nervously.

“I guess…” Onew looked more than a little disturbed. “Was it just me or did she look really - ”

_“ - SLUTTY?!”_ Key frantically nodded his head. _“Yes_ that’s the first thing I thought!”

Onew stared at him. “Well I was _going_ to say “like a female version of Minho”, but…”

Key shook his head, a murderous look in his eyes. “That bitch…” he muttered.

“This is really bad guys,” Jonghyun moaned, his shoulders slumping. “I mean, Minho can’t just go around openly sleeping with anyone remotely female.”

“Or Taemin,” Onew sombrely added.

“I _said_ remotely female, didn’t I?” Jonghyun sighed. “It’ll ruin his image…probably wouldn’t be too good for us either. We’re idols for christ sake, we _know_ not to do these things - can you _imagine_ the scandal?”

“Maybe he has an actual problem,” Onew murmured, a hint of concern appearing in his voice. “I mean, christ, it’s been less than a week and he’s already confessed to Taemin, slept with Jessica, and is now upstairs doing who-knows-what with that - ”

_“ - Prostitute!”_

Onew stared. “…No Key, I don’t think that Minho is a prostitute.”

“I mean that woman! She’s a prostitute!” Key clenched his fists tightly. “That damn frog brought a prostitute into our home!”

“Crap!” Jonghyun groaned. “What if she goes and tells her friends about this?”

Key paled. “This isn’t a whore house!” he wailed.

“No - Key, dammit, we don’t know if she’s a prostitute! She _is_ a female with a mouth though - what’s going to happen if this spreads.” Jonghyun ran a nervous hand through his hair, and shot another glance towards the staircase.

“…We could get rid of her mouth.”

Not for the first time, Key was the recipient of a number of alarmed glances.

“Since when has Minho been this…addicted to sex?” Onew asked, forcing his eyes away from Key. “For gods sake, it’s never even come up in a passing conversation before this.”

“And he just _had_ to go and pull poor Taemin into all this,” Key muttered darkly.

“We need to do something before this gets out of hand,” Jonghyun said seriously. The other two nodded their heads solemnly, and then all three shot another glance at the staircase.

“…So what _do_ you think they’re doing up there?” Onew murmured.


	12. A Nightmare Called 'Overprotective Parents'

When you lived with as many males as the Super Junior members did, life could get _pretty_ darn hectic. Currently, Donghae and Ryeowook were bawling their eyes out as the ‘Titanic’ played on the television for the third time that day, while Eunhyuk gazed on, appearing slightly apprehensive at being lodged between two emotional men.

Yesung was gazing absently at the wall as he fingered his philtrum, Siwon was cheerfully reading over his favourite passages of the bible, Heechul was touching up his makeup while staring venomously at Kangin and Shindong, who were mockingly imitating him on the side.

On the couch, Sungmin smiled eagerly as he browsed through various stuffed bunny rabbits on ebay (and his eyes flashed dangerously as he remembered the conversation he’d shared with Leeteuk when he’d asked for a _real_ one).

With all of this going on, it _should_ have been a surprise that everyone was so willing to drop what they were doing as soon as Leeteuk called for them - but then, _no one_ wanted to deal with an angry Leeteuk. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

“Everybody!” Leeteuk said to the gathered crowd. “I have some…news to tell you all.” He lowered his eyes, looking incredibly upset.

“Hyung?!” Ryeowook’s eyes widened in panic. “Is everything alright?!”

“Yes, yes. It’s just…” Leeteuk dropped his head slightly. “I have some fairly distressing news - ”

Yesung, realising what was going on (after all, no amount of philtrum-touching had helped to wipe out the memory of Leeteuk and Yunho’s conversation), attempted to leave the room.

“Sit down,” Leeteuk ordered, without looking up.

Yesung complied.

“Is anyone hurt, hyung?” Donghae asked, evidently concerned.

Leeteuk swallowed heavily. “It’s Kyuhyun.”

Worried, horrified exclamations echoed around the room (except for Yesung, who pressed his fingers tightly against his philtrum, aware that the worst had yet to come).

“Oh no!” cried a distressed Sungmin. “Is he alright?!”

“He’s…” Leeteuk took a shuddering breath. “He’s been…experimenting.”

There was a brief pause.

“Aww shit!” muttered Kangin; the worry that had previously dominated his expression faded, and was replaced by a look of irritation. “What the hell is that brat planning now?!”

“Wha - oh no.” Shaking his head, Leeteuk went on to say bluntly, “I mean sexually.”

For a long moment no one said anything.

_“…What_ did you say hyung?” Eunhyuk finally managed to choke out.

“Our maknae has been experimenting with sex!” Leeteuk responded loudly. “With _Changmin!”_

Loud cries of protests sounded across the room.

“Hyung!” Ryeowook wailed, blushing.

“Dammit, what is _wrong_ with you?!” Kangin howled, sounding utterly horrified. “Why the _hell_ would you think we needed to know that?!”

Leeteuk frowned, seeming genuinely confused by this reaction. “Well I - I mean, Yunho told me they’d been doing it all over the house - ”

_ “HYUNG!” _

“I just want to know what to do about this situation!” Leeteuk wailed, evidently frustrated.

“You do nothing!” Shindong cried, his cheeks flushed. “I mean, it’s _his_ choice!”

“But he doesn’t understand!” Leeteuk’s eyes widened in distress. “I only just gave him the talk the other day!”

“…You know, I’m only just starting to notice that our group may not be considered…normal,” Eunhyuk muttered.

“He didn’t even know what sex _was_ until I spoke to him - ”

“I can confirm that,” Heechul gleefully reported; he was the only one in the room who _didn’t_ wish for the floor to conveniently cave in.

“Oh, the images!” Ryeowook sobbed, his eyes scrunched tightly.

 “Look, would you stop acting like children?!” Leeteuk snapped, and then took a deep, calming breath before continuing. “We need to sit down and - ”

“Dear lord,” Siwon muttered.

Kangin shot him an incredulous glance. “You’re _praying_ at a time like this?!”

“Er, no, I just - ” Siwon sighed and shook his head. “Never mind.”

“Look,” Yesung interrupted, “why don’t you sit him down and - do whatever. We’ll just - well, we’ll leave the dorms. And you know, not come back until you’re done…”

Leeteuk narrowed his eyes. “I’m just worried about our maknae, that’s all,” he grumbled. “I mean, I’d have no problem if it were any one of you…”

He dragged his eyes intently over the occupants of the room.

“I _swear_ , if he asks if any of us are sexually active…” Eunhyuk muttered.

 “But Kyuhyun doesn’t know much about this,” he continued, “so can you imagine how badly this could end?!” He shook his head, letting out a deep sigh. “Anyway, Yunho said he’ll have a discussion with Changmin, and we can chat with Kyuhyun - ”

_“You_ can,” Kangin corrected.

“I’m happy to take the lead!” Heechul interjected eagerly.

…

“Changmin,” Yunho said to the bewildered figure in front of him, “I need to talk to you about your sexual situation.”

…Nobody said he had any tact.

Changmin spluttered and shook his head rapidly, even though he’d pretty much _known_ that this was coming (at least he’d been able to enjoy the sight of Minho’s suffering before having to face his doom).

Yunho continued. “I understand that the loss of a mother figure can lead to a desire to obtain affection from outside sources - ”

“Er - the loss of a mother figure?” Changmin interrupted. “Hyung, I _have_ a mother.”

Yunho blinked. “I’m talking about Jaejoong.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Jaejoong.”

“Yes,” Yunho said, his cheeks flushed.

“…Hyung, Jaejoong-hyung is not my mother.”

“Well I _know_ that!” Yunho let out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s why I said mother _figure - ”_

“I do _not_ think of Jaejoong-hyung as my _mother!”_ Changmin yelled.

“Look, Changmin, I got desperate, okay?!” Yunho snapped. “I resorted to the use of the internet and - I mean, a lot of the fandom seem to think - ”

Changmin abruptly leapt to his feet, rapidly shaking his head. “Oh my god, I need to lie down!” he wailed, and then sprinted from the room.

“Wait - Changmin!” Yunho called after him desperately. “We need to talk about your sex problem!”

Their manager, who had just stepped into the dorm, slowly turned around and left the house.

…

“So how’d it go?” Leeteuk asked, taking a sip of wine, and staring morosely at Yunho. The other male had arrived at the Super Junior dorms in a flurry of embarrassment and distress following his conversation with Changmin, with a bag containing pretty much every bottle of alcohol they owned.

“Badly,” Yunho mumbled miserably, as he refilled his glass. “I read that a lack of affection from one’s parents can lead to them wanting affection from outside sources.”

Leeteuk shrugged. “Seems legitimate.”

“It was until I brought Jaejoong into it,” Yunho sighed. Pausing, he stared at his glass, and then decided that it wasn’t _nearly_ enough alcohol to wash his sorrows away. He picked up the nearest bottle and took a large swig.

Leeteuk raised one eyebrow. “You called Jaejoong?”

“Wha - _no!”_   Yunho rapidly shook his head. “I just told Changmin that Jaejoong leaving was like his mother was leaving, and that that had caused his…” His voice trailed off. “…Wow, I really screwed up, didn’t I?”

“…Nah, makes sense.” Leeteuk shrugged his shoulders and took another gulp of wine.

There was a moment of silence.

“…You know what we should do?” Leeteuk suddenly said. “We should break into Kyuhyun’s liquor cabinet - that kid has the _best_ drinks. Doesn’t even buy them - the fans send him all the good stuff.”

“I’m drunk, not suicidal,” Yunho retorted.

Once again, they fell into a state of silence.

“I think I scarred Changmin,” Yunho sighed after a long moment. “He won’t come out of his room…”

Leeteuk shrugged, unbothered by this. “As long as he leaves my maknae alone, I really don’t have an issue with it,” he replied.

“…I’m sorry.” Yunho frowned. “What do you mean by _that?!_ You’re making it sound like _Changmin_ initiated it!”

“He did.”

Yunho clenched his jaw, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Well,” he growled, “Kyuhyun is _just_ as capable of starting things and - you shouldn’t assume!”

Leeteuk snorted. “Please, Kyu could _never - ”_

“Oh, you disillusioned fool.”

“…What the hell are you trying to say, huh?!” Leeteuk stood up and glared at the other male.

Yunho chose to mirror these actions. “I’m saying that _your_ maknae started things!” 

“Yeah, well, I’m saying that _my_ maknae is too innocent!” Leeteuk retorted. _“Your_ maknae is the clear instigator!”

_“Your_ maknae is older!”

Leeteuk scoffed. “By a few days - what the hell does a few days mean?! I’m older than Kangin by _two years_ and the fandom _always_ portrays him as the man in the relationship - ”

Yunho blinked. “You visit the fandom?”

“Oh, like you don’t,” Leeteuk snorted, and then chose to continue before Yunho had a chance to interrupt. “Anyway, the point is, it doesn’t _matter_ if Kyuhyun is older by a _few days_ \- Changmin is _clearly_ the dominant one. I mean, have you _seen_ his muscles?!”

“Please!” Yunho snorted. “They are _nothing_ compared to mine.”

Leeteuk rolled his eyes. “Save it for Jaejoong.”

“Low blow!” Yunho snarled, his eyes flashing. He raised a fist.

“You can’t hit me!” Leeteuk yelled, his words slurring slightly in his drunken state. “If we were in the fandom, that would be the equivalent of hitting a woman!”

Yunho sat back down, shaking his head in mild disbelief. “Oh,” he muttered, “you fight _dirty - ”_

…

“Er…” Ryeowook said, from his spot behind the kitchen door. “Should we…?”

Eunhyuk snorted. “You want to get involved in _that?”_ He nodded towards the direction of the drunken wails. “Be my guest.”

…

Early the next day, sunlight flittered through the windows of the Super Junior dorms, lighting the whole place up, and two individuals desperately wished that the sun was a real living being so they could _crush_ him/her.

“Yunho?” Leeteuk moaned, clutching his head.

“Mmm?” Yunho mumbled.

“Why are you here?”

Yunho lifted his head an inch off the floor and dazedly looked around. “Um…oh god, ow…”

“What?” Leeteuk questioned, blinking weakly.

“Hangover,” Yunho groaned.

“…Oh yeah.”

There was a moment of silence.

“…Leeteuk,” Yunho murmured, “why do I have the feeling that I did something _horrible?”_

…

Miles away, a shriek of, _“SOMETHING HAPPENED TO CHANGMIN!”_ could be heard echoing through the area.


	13. A Very SHINee Horror Flick

Yoochun was having a lovely dream - or at least he _thought_ he was, but you generally tended to forget these things soon after waking up. But then, if it wasn’t a good dream, _why_ did he feel like breaking Jaejoong’s nose the moment the elder male came shrieking into his room?

“What’s wrong?” he demanded sleepily, because he was sure Jaejoong had said something about Changmin - which was weird, since the three of them tended to avoid conversations regarding their estranged bandmates.

“I didn’t…I didn’t see the messages left by Yunho until this morning…” Jaejoong stuttered. Yoochun sat up in alarm and rushed over to Jaejoong (not really because of what he had said, but more because the other male looked in danger of losing all circulation in his hands from how hard he was squeezing them - and every idol needed their limbs).

“Alright,” he said soothingly. “Let’s just calm down - ”

“Oh god Yoochun!” Jaejoong wailed. “Changmin is in _horrible trouble!”_

Junsu, who had run to them at the sound of the screams (Yoochun was surprised the whole _neighbourhood_ hadn’t), let out a frightened squeak. “What do we do?!”

“What do we do?!” Jaejoong echoed. “What do we do?! Well isn’t it obvious - Yoochun, _what the hell are you doing?!”_

“Acting rationally,” Yoochun responded, rolling his eyes as he reached for his laptop (it wasn’t as if he didn’t _care_ for the maknae - he’d just become overly accustomed to Jaejoong’s tendency to overreact). “If anything happened it would be public knowledge by now - ”

“Does _this_ sound alright to you?!” Jaejoong demanded, hurriedly grappling for his phone. A moment later, Yunho’s hysterical voice filled the room.

_ “Jae, our baby has gone off the deep end!” _

Jaejoong let out another hysterical wail. “Oh, that could mean _so_ many things!” he moaned. “Gone off the deep end…what if he’s turned to drugs?! What if the pain of the break-up was just too much for him - ”

“Er, Jaejoong - ” Yoochun tried to interrupt.

“ - or what if he joined a gang?!”

Junsu whimpered, looking close to tears.

Yoochun frowned. “…Is it just me or did Yunho-hyung sound slightly drunk in that message?”

Jaejoong ignored this and marched forward, grabbing Yoochun by his arm, and choosing to ignore the other males protests. “Come on,” he ordered.

“Wait, where are we going?!” Yoochun demanded.

“We’re going over there!” Jaejoong declared, and latched onto Junsu as well (who all too willingly complied). “This has to stop - ”

_“What_ has to stop?!”

“Well, we won’t know until we get there, will we?!”

…

“I’m sorry, but _where_ did you say we were going?” Minho asked, as yet another wave of trees whizzed past them.

“We didn’t,” Key muttered, glaring moodily out the window.

“Er,” Onew, who was driving, said uncertainly, “we just thought we should have some bonding time.” He let out an awkward laugh. “I mean, we _have_ been pretty busy lately…”

Minho’s brow furrowed. “No we haven’t,” he argued. “In fact, this has been the least ‘busy’ we’ve been in a while.”

Onew let out another awkward laugh. “Yeah, you know, but we haven’t actually _done_ anything…”

“…Where’s Taemin?”

There was a long pause; Minho gazed blankly at the three males who were present, waiting for an answer to his question.

“Oh, you’d like to know, wouldn’t you?” Key spat, glaring coldly.

Minho blinked. “Um, okay…”

“Don’t worry about it Minho,” Jonghyun said soothingly. “Just think of it as a family outing.”

“With some family missing.”

Key glared. “Shut up!”

Minho decided that he _really_ needed to sit down and have a chat with Key sometime soon.

“…Is everything okay?” He asked, when no one bothered to speak for a long, _long_ moment (which probably seemed longer than it was due to the never-ending stretch of trees that surrounded them).

“Why do you ask?” Onew asked, his hands tensing around the steering wheel.

“I don’t know…” Minho frowned. “Everyone just seems really tense…”

“Tense?” Onew let out a startled bark of laughter. “Haha, that’s - that’s really funny because - because, you know, we’re the complete _opposite_ of tense - ”

“Is Taemin alright?” Minho asked, his brow furrowing slightly. Because, well, right now the younger male’s _name_ seemed to be taboo…

“No thanks to you,” Key grumbled, his expression dark.

Minho decided that talking was starting to freak him out - he glanced away from his bandmates, and stared at the bland scenery. Everything was so _isolated_ …it was just forest, forest, forest. It reminded him of pretty much every horror movie he had ever seen.

…Oh _shit._

“Er, guys,” he said nervously, “where exactly is this ‘family outing’?”

There was no response.

_ “Guys - ” _

“Shh,” Jonghyun said.

“No!” Minho protested, feeling apprehension creep within him (he was crazy; these were his _bandmates,_ he was absolutely _mad…)._ “You guys are seriously creeping me out right now - ”

There was a soft ‘click’ as the doors automatically locked.

Minho froze.

_ “…OH MY FREAKING GOD, ARE YOU GOING TO **KILL** ME?!” _

“Oh calm down,” Key sighed, rolling his eyes. “That was already ruled out.” He scowled slightly at this.

Minho gaped, and then decided that it would be a good time to start screaming again. _“LET ME OUT !”_

“We’re here,” Jonghyun announced.

“Where?!” Minho demanded hysterically. “My future _grave?!”_

“No, the therapists,” was the response he received.

Minho stared blankly for a long moment.

_ “…GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE!” _

“Minho, we’re only doing this because we care about you,” Onew sighed.

“And because all suggestions involving murder were ruled out,” Key added.

“You see,” Jonghyun continued, “you have a serious problem Minho - one that won’t just affect you, but all of us as well.”

“What the _hell_ are you talking about?!” Minho demanded, and briefly found himself wondering if maybe the horror-movie-thing hadn’t been so bad after all.

Onew and Jonghyun exchanged glances, and Key (no surprise) glared at him.

“We’re talking about your…” Onew paused and hesitated for a moment, before continuing. “…Your sex addiction.”

“My _WHAT?!”_

…

“Uh - Kyuhyun, do you think we could talk for a bit?” Leeteuk nervously inquired. Yunho stood awkwardly behind him, massaging his aching head.

“Nope,” Kyuhyun replied without bothering to look up. “I gotta run - I’m meeting up with Changmin and Minho.”

“Changmin?!” Yunho yelped.

Kyuhyun shot him an odd look. “Yes…”

Yunho shot Leeteuk a frantic glance, and nudged the other male sharply on the shoulder.

“Stop rushing me, I’m trying, okay?!” Leeteuk hissed, as Kyuhyun looked on blankly. “Okay,” he said, turning to the maknae, “Kyu, maybe you shouldn’t see…Changmin.”

Yunho winced.

“…Not right now anyway.”

Kyuhyun frowned. “Why not?”

“Because - uh - ” Leeteuk’s eyes flickered around (it was slightly ridiculous that he was willing to talk to the _whole band_ about the maknae’s sex life, but not Kyuhyun himself). “Do you remember what I said to you the other day?”

“…Hyung, you say _a lot_ of things to me.”

Leeteuk swallowed. “Yes but - about that…special moment in a man’s life, when…”

Yunho coughed, slightly amused by Leeteuk’s obvious embarrassment.

“Oh, shut up!” Leeteuk retorted, glaring at him. _“You_ started rambling on about Jaejoong - ”

“Riiiiiiight,” Kyuhyun drawled, taking a step back. “I’m just going to leave, okay?”

“Wait, no - Kyu!” Leeteuk yelled. “Don’t leave! We really need to talk about this!”

Donghae appeared in the doorway, and shot the startled maknae a sympathetic glance. “Run while you still can,” he told the younger male.

Kyuhyun did not appear to be reassured by this, and simply walked out of the room, shaking his head in disbelief, and muttering something about ‘psychopaths’.

“Donghae, dammit, aren’t you concerned for your dongsaeng?!” Leeteuk snarled.

“I am,” Donghae replied. “That’s why I told him to run.”


	14. The Long Lost Bandmates of DBSK

The therapists. He was at the fucking _therapists._ Minho decided that the world really did hate him - how was _any_ of this fair? He had, by far, suffered the most because of that _stupid_ game. His name was tarnished, half the company wanted him dead, his nickname “Hyung-Whore” had probably been shortened to “Whore”…and what had the others gotten?! _Nothing!_

“It’s okay to be in denial,” Onew told him kindly, and Minho decided that he _really_ wanted to break his nose.

“I’m _not_ in denial,” he ground out. “I don’t have a - a - ” He flushed slightly. “…You know what! This is _completely_ insane!”

“If you’re worried someone will recognise you, don’t worry,” Onew said, and Minho supposed the elder’s voice was supposed to be soothing, but right now it was the most horrible thing he had heard that day (…other than the words “sex addiction”). “That’s why we brought you to this isolated, rural area.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun piped in. “Do you know how hard it was to _find_ this place?!”

Minho clenched his jaw. “I. Do. Not. Need. A. Therapist. I am _completely_ normal!”

Onew and Jonghyun exchanged glances and didn’t reply.

“Dammit, I’m _not_ crazy!”

“We didn’t say you were crazy!” Onew hurriedly protested. “You just - well, you need to stop fooling around before you completely damage your reputation and - face it Minho, look at what you’ve been doing in the past week!”

“First of all,” Minho ground out, “just because someone has sex doesn’t mean that they have a _problem!_ And secondly - _what_ have I been doing?!”

Key, unable to hold himself back any longer (and he had the nail marks to prove it), threw himself into the conversation. “You confessed to poor Taeminnie, and then broke his heart!” he cried, his eyes flashing. “We couldn’t even tell him about this therapist’s meeting for fear of how he would take it - ”

“Wait, _wait!”_ Minho stared in disbelief. “That thing with Taemin - it was a _joke!_ I wasn’t - I wasn’t _serious - ”_

Key glared. “Well it wasn’t a joke to him!”

“No, it was a mentally scarring experience - ”

“Oh, stop trying to make yourself feel better!” Key slammed his fist down on the arm of his chair. “Taeminnie is madly in love with you, and you've been playing with his feelings! And then you - you went and slept with Jessica - ”

“Wait, hold on, _what?!”_

“ - and then that - that _prostitute_ \- an who _knows_ how many of her friends - ”

_“NO!”_ Minho yelled, rapidly shaking his head. _“No,_ that _never - ”_

Jonghyun lay a hand on his shoulder. “Minho, we aren’t punishing you,” he said gently, and shot a stern glance at Key. “We just wanted you to speak to a professional and understand that what you are doing is detrimental to yourself - ”

_ “I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING!” _

Onew shook his head pityingly.

…

“So, I guess it’s your turn for a dare,” Changmin stated, smirking slightly as he gazed at Kyuhyun. The two stood in front of the SHINee dorms, having arrived to collect Minho only moments before.

Kyuhyun snorted at this, seemingly unbothered by the remark. “You think I’m scared? I’m not scared. Bring it on.”

“I don’t know,” Changmin argued, “Minho looked _pretty_ mad yesterday…”

“Thanks to _you,”_ Kyuhyun retorted, and then his brow furrowed slightly. “You know,” he mused, “people really get hurt in this game don’t they?”

“Yeah…” Changmin murmured. “I feel kind of guilty for scarring Yunho-hyung…”

“…I was talking about my laptop.”

Changmin stared at his friend. “I thought you said _people.”_

“Changmin!” Kyuhyun exclaimed, glaring. “Don’t speak ill of the dead!”

“…You’re _joking.”_

Kyuhyun chose to ignore his friend’s comment, and instead banged his fist loudly on the front door, while with his other hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out…a crucifix.

Changmin stared. “Uh…Kyu…do I even _want_ to know?”

“I stole it from Siwon-hyung’s room,” Kyuhyun replied offhandedly.

“Okay, hold on - you’re trying to tell me that you _stole_ Siwon’s _crucifix_ \- a _sacred_ symbol from the religion that he _worships…”_ Changmin shook his head in disbelief. “Jesus, I have a new respect for that man. He is _way_ too good to you.”

“It’s my adorableness,” Kyuhyun bragged. “All my hyungs love it.”

Changmin coughed.

“…And I stole it because, _christ_ , have you _seen_ Jonghyun and Onew lately?! Those smiles are _demonic,_ and they just won’t _stop._ Who knows, I might actually need this.” He waved said object in the air, just as the front door opened.

Hurriedly, Kyuhyun whirled around and thrust the crucifix into the face of a startled Taemin.

“…Hyung?”

“Oh - hi Taemin!” Kyuhyun greeted, and hurriedly shoved the crucifix behind his back. “Have you seen Minho anywhere?”

“Why doesn’t it stop?” Taemin mumbled.

Changmin and Kyuhyun gazed at him expectantly, and Taemin silently repeated his previous question. _Why_ did everyone in the world (or at least this company) seem to be utterly _insane?!_ Maybe _that_ was why SM had such a high rate of lawsuits…

“Minho-hyung left with Onew-hyung, Key-hyung and Jonghyun-hyung this morning,” Taemin told them. “I saw their car leave.” He frowned slightly. “They left really early…I’m kind of worried actually. It was really strange…”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Changmin said comfortingly.

“Key-hyung left a note saying that they were going out for cat food,” Taemin murmured.

“See?” Changmin smiled. “There you go!”

“…We don’t own a cat.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Right then,” Kyuhyun coughed. “So, you don’t know where Minho is?”

Taemin shook his head. “Not since they left at four this morning.”

“Wha - _four?!”_ Kyuhyun spluttered in disbelief. “What, don’t they _sleep?!”_

Changmin tugged on Kyuhyun’s arm, because he was almost certain that he’d just seen Taemin’s eye twitch - and he figured that it wouldn’t be good for SHINee’s innocent maknae to go on a murderous rampage (even if the death of Kyuhyun _would_ make it easier for him to win the game…). “Come on, let’s head back to your dorm and wait for Minho there.”

“Okay,” Kyuhyun said, and then passed the crucifix to Taemin (Changmin did a mental head bang). “You might need it,” he told the younger male.

“Don’t listen to him,” Changmin interjected. “He’s just being an idiot.”

Taemin’s brow furrowed as he gazed at the object in his hand. “It looks expensive,” he commented.

“Eh - I’m sure he has dozens like it,” Kyuhyun replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Taemin flipped the object over, his eyes narrowing as he caught sight of some words that were scrawled on the back. “To my dear Siwon,” he read. “This has been in our family for generations - may you cherish it and make sure it remains that way.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Love Grandma,” Taemin finished.

“Yup, going to need that back,” Kyuhyun said, snatching the object back before Taemin could reply.

“Bye,” Changmin told Taemin, and the younger male repeated this statement, before hurriedly shutting the door (Changmin wondered if he should be offended that Taemin had seemed so eager to get rid of them - but then, he decided, if he _hadn’t,_ he’d probably be concerned for the other male’s sanity).

Kyuhyun and Changmin headed in the opposite direction, towards where Kyuhyun had parked the car. They had barely put any distance between themselves and the SHINee dorm when Kyuhyun’s phone rang.

“Hello?” he said, holding the phone to his ear. His brow furrowed slightly. “Minho, stop whispering, I can’t hear you.”

There was a brief pause.

“Min - wait, what do you mean you’re in the toilet? Why the hell are you calling me mid-shit - wait, what do you mean you’re not mid-shit? Mid-piss then?”

Changmin stared.

“…Tell me to shut up again and I’ll hang up the phone - wow, calm the hell down!”

“Put him on speaker,” Changmin hissed.

“Okay, I’m putting you on speaker - ” Kyuhyun held the phone out and, a moment later, Minho’s frantic voice met both of their ears.

“Guys, you have to help me!” he pleaded.

Changmin blinked cluelessly. “Help you how?”

“I - I can’t explain it on the phone but I - you have to come and get me - ” Minho’s voice trembled; his anxiety was evident.

Kyuhyun’s brow furrowed. “Why are you calling us from a toilet?”

“I’m not in a toilet you idiot!” Minho snapped. “I told the others I was going to the toilet, and then I snuck out through the window.” He took a deep breath. “I seriously need you guys to get me out of here.”

“Where is ‘here’?” Changmin inquired.

“I don’t know,” Minho sighed in frustration. “It’s…some rural therapist’s office. I’d search for the name but I’m too scared  to leave the bushes.”

“We have to come over there now?” Kyuhyun moaned.

“I have no money!” Minho cried. “I’m stuck! If the others find me - ”

Changmin frowned slightly. “Who are the ‘others’?”

“My bandmates! They’re completely _insane -_ they think I have some sort of sex addiction or something!”

There was a moment of silence.

Kyuhyun collapsed to the ground, his whole body racked with laughter.

“Dammit!” Minho yelled furiously. “Just come and pick me up!”

“Tell us the name,” Kyuhyun choked, wiping away the tears that had formed in his eyes. “Then we’ll come.”

“I _can’t!”_ Minho spat. “What if someone sees me?!”

“We can’t exactly find you otherwise,” Changmin pointed out.

“Fine!” Minho gritted out. “Give me a second.”

There was a long pause following this statement, in which Kyuhyun repeatedly asked, “you want to hang up?”, and Changmin found himself almost acceding to this question.

“Do you want to hang up?” Kyuhyun asked again.

“Don’t you _dare!”_ Minho yelled, his voice once again appearing on the other line. “Have some sympathy! I was almost found - I saw Key storming past, looking _demonic_ , and - ”

“So they’re _all_ demonic now?” Kyuhyun muttered. “Perfect, I know _exactly_ how to defeat them…”

“You’re returning Siwon’s family heirloom, got it?” Changmin said firmly.

“…What?”

“Never mind,” Changmin told Minho. “Tell us the name.”

Minho told them.

“Okay, we’ll be there right away,” Kyuhyun promised.

Minho let out a relieved sigh. “Thanks guys,” he said, and then hung up the phone.

There was a moment of silence.

“…You want to get a milkshake first?” Kyuhyun inquired, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

Changmin shook his head. “No.”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “You’re such a - ”

“It’s too cold for a milkshake. I’m thinking hot chocolates.”

Kyuhyun smirked. “There’s a nice little cafe across town.”

“Great, let’s go!” Changmin said, heading towards the car (for the time-being, the promise of hot chocolates was ranked higher than their need to save their friend from the situation that was, pretty much, all their fault).

…

The phone rang; Leeteuk picked it off the hook, growled a quick “wrong number, bye!”, and hung up.

Yunho raised one eyebrow. “Who was it?”

“Who knows,” Leeteuk muttered. “Not Kyuhyun though, I checked the number.”

He let out a frustrated huff, and dragged his fingers through his hair for the hundredth time that day, giving it a look that could be likened to a birds nest (of course, an ELF would probably describe it as “pure sexiness personified”).

“I just don’t understand where they could have _gone - ”_

Ryeowook, who had been passing by, stopped to glare at him (the deep shadows under his eyes told of his sleepless night). “Maybe the shit you were sprouting scared them off.”

Leeteuk stared at him in shock.

Shindong, who had entered with Ryeowook, pat the younger male on the shoulder. “We were up all night listening to you guys,” he told Leeteuk and Yunho. “It wasn’t a fun experience.”

Leeteuk pouted slightly (yes, _pouted -_ the game had caused quite a bit of collateral damage). “I’m just worried about Kyu,” he mumbled.

“No, you’re batshit, that’s what.”

…Ryeowook’s innocence was one of the many things that were destroyed.

“Alright, please stop now,” Shindong said, staring warily at Ryeowook. “You’re kind of freaking me out.”

Ryeowook glared. “You know what freaked _me_ out?!”

“Yes Ryeowook,” Shindong sighed. “We experienced it too.”

“We’re sorry,” Yunho interrupted, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “Things just got a bit crazy last night.”

“You know what’s crazy?” Everyone turned to see Kangin poking his head around the doorway, a vague look of disbelief present on his face. “I just spotted Jaejoong on our front porch!”

Leeteuk rolled his eyes. “We’re not drunk _anymore_ Kangin,” he snorted. “You don’t have to trick us.”

Kangin frowned. “I’m not - ”

“I mean, seriously!” Leeteuk continued. “What would _Jaejoong_ be doing here of all places?”

There was a knock on the door and Leeteuk whirled around, hurrying towards it. Yunho followed in hot pursuit.

“Maybe it’s Kyuhyun,” the leader said eagerly as he opened the door. “Then we can continue our - oh sweet Jesus, _Jaejoong?!”_

“Have you seen Changmin or Yunho here?!” Jaejoong asked frantically, his eyes wide with unmasked panic. “I stopped by their dorm and they weren’t - ”

_“Jaejoong?!”_ Yunho spluttered. Behind him a large crowd was gathering (something no other band could achieve without the presence of guests - sometimes Super Junior’s large numbers really worked in their favour).

“Oh. Hi Yunho!” Jaejoong greeted, as if they weren’t speaking for the first time in years.

“Hey!” Yoochun greeted, appearing at Jaejoong’s side. Junsu followed him, and the three stood in a perfect line. “Changmin’s alright, right?”

Yunho, incapable of asking, simply stared in shock.

“…Right okay, you have your answer hyung,” Yoochun said, nodding at Jaejoong. “Now let’s - ”

_“Changmin isn’t hurt is he?!”_ Junsu wailed.

“Is this real?” Donghae whispered from amongst the onlookers, and Yunho let out a strangled choking sound.


	15. False Alarm (or 'Minho's Not Leaving Anytime Soon')

_“Jaejoong?!”_ Yunho cried for the…well, everyone had pretty much lost count, but it had happened a lot in the past few minutes.

“Yunho,” Jaejoong said pleasantly (yeah, that had happened a lot too).

_“…Jae - ”_

_“NO!”_

Everyone turned to Sungmin, the owner of the slightly hysterical scream.

“We’ve been doing this for the past fifteen minutes!” Sungmin moaned, a look of desperation plastered across his face. “Can we _please_ stop?!”

Yunho, still pale, muttered one word. “…Jaejoong?”

Sungmin let out a choked sob.

“Uh - Jae…Jaejoong…” Leeteuk swallowed. “What are you…doing here?” He glanced briefly at Junsu and Yoochun, who stared back; swallowing, he looked away.

“Yunho called me!” Jaejoong replied, and all pleasant qualities left his voice when he remembered just _why_ he was here.

_That_ brought Yunho out of his stupor. “No I didn’t!” he cried.

“Yes you _did!”_ Jaejoong shot back. “You told me Changmin was on _drugs!”_

Yoochun coughed. “Well, _technically_ he didn’t…”

“Oh great!” Ryeowook spat, causing the people surrounding him to jump in alarm. “Now he’s on _drugs_ too?! I guess that means the end for _little_ Kyuhyun, right _Teukie-hyung?!”_

No one said anything for a long moment, simply staring at him in shock.

“…I’m going to take Ryeowook upstairs until he calms down a little,” Shindong muttered, and dragged the younger male out of the room.

“They broke him,” Eunhyuk told the stunned members of JYJ.

“…What did he mean _too?!”_ Jaejoong demanded, the issue of Ryeowook’s questionable mental state momentarily pushed to the back of his mind. “What else has my baby been doing?!”

_“HE’S NOT YOUR BABY!”_ came the sound of Ryeowook’s hysterical shrieks from _somewhere_ in the house. “ _THEY AREN’T YOUR BABIES! DAMMIT, IF I’D KNOWN SM CAUSED DELUSIONAL OUTBREAKS, I WOULD NEVER HAVE - ”_ There was the sound of loud, muffled protests, and then dead silence.

“…Sweet _Jesus!”_ Yoochun uttered after a _long_ moment. “What did you _do_ to him?!”

“Never mind that!” Yunho interjected. “Why are you guys all _here?!”_

Junsu’s lip wobbled slightly. “You don’t want us here hyung?” he asked quietly, and then, since no one could resist an upset Junsu ( _maknaes_ took lessons from him, dammit!), Yunho felt himself crumble slightly.

“Of course I do!” he cried desperately. “That’s not what I meant! _Don’t cry!”_

Jaejoong, deciding that one baby's tears were less important than the other baby's mental stability (drugs were bad! …that was all that could be said), started explaining.“I stopped by our dorm,” he said, “and no one was there. So I - ”

“Mine.”

“…What?” Jaejoong stared at Yunho uncomprehendingly.

“It’s my dorm,” Yunho said firmly. “Not yours.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Right,” Jaejoong said, and though his voice didn’t show any reaction to this, he pointedly avoided the other males eyes. “So, er…I thought Changmin might’ve been here or something since…you know, he and Kyuhyun - ”

“He and Kyuhyun _WHAT?!”_

“…Uh…” Jaejoong stared at Leeteuk with wide eyes. “Nothing…”

“No, no,” Leeteuk laughed, _“please_ finish your sentence Jaejoong, and tell us what we _all_ know you’re thinking!”

“I don’t know what he’s thinking…” Donghae muttered softly, and Eunhyuk patted him supportively on the shoulder.

“…They’re friends,” Jaejoong said slowly, his eyes flickering back and forth, unsure of exactly _what_ was happening.

Leeteuk let out another loud, barking laugh. “You don’t have to sugar coat it for me!” he spat. “Just come out and say it!”

“…Anyway…” Jaejoong turned to Yunho, deciding that dealing with the awkwardness of that situation was better than…well, whatever the hell the other situation was. “I decided to come here and check.”

Yunho narrowed his eyes. “You couldn’t have called first?”

“Well, I tried, but _you_ didn’t pick up your phone!” Jaejoong retorted. “And when I called here, someone said something about me having the wrong number…”

Leeteuk, seemingly calmer now that the conversation had moved on, coughed guiltily.

“…So Changmin’s not here?”

“No,” Yunho sighed. “He left with Kyuhyun…and Jaejoong, seriously, I did _not_ call you!”

“You did,” Yoochun cut in. “Trust me…I’m pretty certain you were drunk though.”

Yunho stared at him. “…Crap,” he muttered. “I _knew_ I’d done something bad…”

Jaejoong stepped into the dorms, and Yunho took a step back, staring at the other male with wide eyes.

“Wha - you’re staying?!” he choked.

“Yes!” Jaejoong cried. “I need to see if Changmin's alright!”

Yunho quickly shook his head. “Well, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea - ”

“Hyung!” Junsu cut in, his lip wobbling slightly. “Can we stay? Please?”

_…Damn_ Junsu and his sheer adorableness. And _damn_ the wobbly lip for adding to that natural ability, and…sweet lord, were those _puppy dog eyes?!_ Well, _damn_ them too! Damn them to _hell!”_

“Of course your staying!” Yunho exclaimed, forcing a smile onto his face. “Who the hell said you couldn’t?!”

Junsu let out a happy cry and bounced into the house _(damn_ those bounces!), and Yoochun followed behind him, looking extremely awkward.

“…So, the drugs?” Jaejoong looked expectantly at Yunho.

Yunho opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, Donghae interrupted.

“He’s not on drugs, he’s - ”

Eunhyuk nudged him sharply. “Let’s not drag that up again,” he hissed, shooting weary glances at Leeteuk and Yunho.

There was an brief pause, as all Super Junior members thought back to the horrors of the previous night.

“…Drinks?” Siwon finally managed. “There’s wine upstairs - ”

“No there isn’t,” Leeteuk muttered softly.

“…Well then, how about tea?”

“Wookie makes the best tea,” Yesung interjected. “And with the state he’s currently in, he’d probably poison us.”

Siwon sighed loudly. “Yeah…”

Seeing as they had nothing better to do, everyone decided to stare blankly at each other’s faces for the next few minutes.

…

“I can’t believe he’d do something like this,” Key growled, staring moodily out of the car window.

“Well, we _did_ kind of accuse him of having a sex addiction,” Jonghyun pointed out from the passenger seat.

“Hey!” Key snapped heatedly. “I thought we agreed not to chicken out!”

“I _know!”_ Jonghyun retorted. “But don’t you think we were too harsh?”

“We were only acting out of love,” Onew said, his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel . He _still_ couldn’t believe their plan had failed - it was foolproof! …Well, okay, it wasn’t, but…it was better it was better than Key’s ideas (murder), so didn’t that count for something?

Key coughed in response, his gaze never shifting from the window.

“…And, you know, our own selfish needs,” Onew admitted. “But hey, Minho was being selfish too!”

_“Exactly!”_ Key exclaimed, eager to cling to anything that provided even a minuscule of support for his recent insanity (although, was it _really_ recent? That knowledge was too great for any single human being to possess). “I mean, I _washed_ the bedsheets that he did _things_ on with that _prostitute!”_

Jonghyun frowned slightly. “Well, technically we don’t _know_ if she’s a prostitute…”

Key scoffed. “Wait until she has her little friends lining up on our front porch and _then_ say that.”

“So what now?” Onew questioned. “Are we heading back?”

“Where’s he going to go, huh?” Key asked, his eyes narrowing. “I say we check our dorms, and if he’s not there, we’ll expand the hunt to the DBSK and Super Junior dorms - ”

“The _hunt?!”_ Jonghyun repeated incredulously.

“ - to see if he’s with those little friends of his. If not, I bet we can scare them into telling us -”

“You want to scare _Kyuhyun-hyung?!”_ Jonghyun asked in that same incredulous tone. _“You_ can do the talking then.”

Key chose to ignore him, and continued with his (insane) rant. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll send emails out to everyone we know - ”

The car jerked to an abrupt stop.

Key frowned at Onew, who wore a strange expression on his face (a mix of shock, frustration and…constipation?). “What are you…?”

Onew took a deep, shuddering breath. “First of all,” he said, emphasising each word, _“no_ emails - that’s just crazy.”

“Exactly Key,” Jonghyun agreed. “You’re crazy.”

“He said the _idea_ was crazy, not _me!”_ Key spat. Then, in a louder voice: “How _dare_ you call my idea crazy!”

Onew ignored this. “We’re going to go back to the dorms,” he told the other two, “and if he’s not there, we’ll check the Super Junior and DBSK dorms, because chances are, he’ll be with either Changmin-hyung or Kyuhyun-hyung. If that doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out - but no emails. And _no_ hunting.”

“Exactly,” Jonghyun interrupted. “We aren’t trying to kill him Key - we established that last night."

Key scowled.

Immersed within their heated discussion, the SHINee members failed to notice a familiar car, containing two _very_ familiar (and very evil) maknaes passing them.

…

Involved in a discussion of their own, Kyuhyun and Changmin also failed to notice the presence of the masterminds behind Minho’s current nightmare.

“You know,” Kyuhyun said from the drivers seat of the car, “why couldn’t he have called a taxi?”

“I don’t know,” Changmin replied, shrugging. “He probably didn’t have any money.”

“…Do you think we could just mail him some money?”

“He doesn’t have a mailbox,” Changmin sighed.

“Do you think we could mail the money to the therapist and ask them to give it to him?” Kyuhyun inquired hopefully.

“No Kyuhyun,” Changmin retorted, exasperated. “The reason we are driving out there is because he ran away from the _therapist!”_

Kyuhyun sighed loudly. “When did we become the friends that actually cared about each other’s feelings?”

Changmin shrugged in response, and his gaze flittered out the window. A moment later, his eyes widened. “Oh my god!” he exclaimed. “Half prices on jumbo colas - Kyu, stop the car!”

 Kyuhyun let out a loud sigh of relief, and immediately headed in the direction that Changmin was pointing to. “Geez,” he muttered, “I was worried for a second.”

…

_“Finally!”_ Minho exclaimed, as Kyuhyun and Changmin pulled up in front of him. “Do you _know_ how long I have been waiting in these bushes for?!”

“You could have come out,” Changmin pointed out, as he stepped down from the car.

“Are you _crazy?!”_ Minho shot back. “I am a wanted man Changmin - and _anything_ is better than that prison cell.”

Kyuhyun stepped out from his side of the car and stretched, letting out a loud yawn. “We had to make a few toilet breaks,” he told Minho a moment later. “You know how time flies when you’re having fun? …Well your bladder flies when you’re not.”

“And you know,” Changmin added, “those hot chocolates really didn’t help much.”

Minho looked hopeful at this. “Did you bring me any?” he asked.

Kyuhyun and Changmin exchanged glances.

“Oh come _on!”_ the rapper moaned. “You get toilets - I get _trees!”_

Kyuhyun coughed. “I think right now we _all_ get trees…”

“ - and I sure as _hell_ didn’t get to enjoy the perks of hot chocolate! and, to top it all off, I was dragged to this hell hole by my bandmates, who think I’m _addicted_ to _sex - ”_

_“You_ have one too?!”

Minho paused his rant and stared at Changmin.

“…You don’t _want_ to know what Yunho-hyung has been saying to me lately,” the DBSK maknae muttered, shuddering slightly.

Minho frowned slightly. “Yunho-hyung has an addiction to sex?”

_“YES!”_ Kyuhyun yelled before Changmin even had a chance to respond. “Ever since Mirotic! I think seeing Jaejoong-hyung all tied up was just too much for him to bear!”

Changmin opened his mouth to protest, but then realised a little fact - he _really_ wasn’t thinking too fondly of his hyung after their previous conversation.

“Yes,” he said, inwardly smirking. “That sounds about right.”

“Whatever,” Minho sighed, deciding  that he had enough on his plate without worrying about how unfair the universe was (why did _Yunho_ get away with it, when he suffered this much for being _innocent?!_ He had _youth_ on his side for Christ’s sake!). “Just please get me out of here. If I see another tree, I think I _will_ need a therapist.”

“You should get your wish in another two hours or so,” Kyuhyun told him.

Minho stared at him in horror; then he shook his head. He had survived the horrors of the bushes (or bush, since he hadn’t actually left the one spot…) for hours. He could survive a few more in a car. “As long as we’re on the road,” he told his two friends. “Come on.”

The three climbed into the car.

“Okay!” Kyuhyun exclaimed cheerily. “Now let’s get moving!”

He turned on the car engine.

Nothing happened.

“…Shit.”

“No. _NO!”_ Minho threw himself forward, frantically fumbling with the car keys. “You have _got_ to be kidding me - do something! Someone, _do something!”_

Kyuhyun twisted the keys rapidly, hoping to feel that familiar buzz as the car returned to life - no luck.

“How could you _not_ have stopped for gas?!” Minho wailed. _“You stopped for everything else!”_

“Calm down,” Kyuhyun said. “I’m sure it’s - ” He checked the gas. “…Never mind.”

Minho let out a loud howl of frustration.


	16. And The Room Gets Even More Crowded

“Dammit!” Kyuhyun cursed, slamming his phone down onto the ground. _“No one_ is picking up their phones!”

“I really hate you guys,” Minho sighed miserably, his shoulders slumping. The three sat on the grassy grounds, having left the car sometime prior due to the heat (the car that _should_ have been half way home by now, as Minho had repeatedly reminded his irritated friends).

“Oh shut up,” Changmin moaned. “We _came_ didn’t we?”

“So!” Minho retorted heatedly. “If you hadn’t wasted so much petrol driving to _every_ place that sold drinks, we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “They were just stops along the way.”

Minho scowled in response.

“…And they were worth it.”

The scowl deepened.

“Besides,” the maknae continued, oblivious to how similar Minho currently looked to a person who had recently escaped from a mental institution (…which, in a way, he had…), “I think you should we more worried that we spent all our money on those drinks - we could have paid for a taxi if we hadn’t.”

Escapee from a mental institution? No, experienced psychotic serial killer was definitely a better fit.

_“Dammit_ Kyuhyun!” Minho snarled. “Don’t make me - ”

Changmin decided to cut in before this turned into a blood bath (because his heavy bladder was starting to tell him that all those drinks had been a _terrible_ idea, and he didn’t think that watching the murder of his best friend would do him much good in regards to that). “How about we continue the game while we wait?” he suggested loudly.

“Wha - _seriously?!”_ Minho spluttered. “After all the pain it’s caused, you want to have more?!”

“It’s Kyu’s turn,” Changmin reminded him.

“…Truth or dare?”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and smirked confidently. “Dare.”

Changmin pulled out his camera, a look of anticipation on his face (because, despite how much suffering the game had caused, it was all welcome as long as it wasn’t _him_ experiencing it).

“Alright then,” Minho said, not wasting any time (it was obvious that this wasn’t the first time he had thought about it). “Call Jessica and tell her that you stole Seohyun’s bra.”

“…You’re kidding.”

“No!” Minho retorted in response to Kyuhyun’s disbelieving statement. “Those girls _hate_ me - the only way to make this better is to make them hate you more!” He let out an excited little laugh, and Kyuhyun continued to gape. “And the best way to do that - target the maknae.”

Insert evil cackle; oh yes, Minho had gone _off the rails._

“Is this some deep-seated hatred because you’re the only one here that doesn’t get maknae-rights?” Kyuhyun demanded, his fists clenched tightly.

“Oh _please!”_ Minho snorted, and the look of glee vanished, replaced by a look of rage that rivalled Kyuhyun’s. “Just because I don’t get away with every single _horrible_ little thing that I do because of my _age_ \- which, by the way, is only a _tiny_ bit younger than everyone else in my _massive-arse_ band - ”

“You only have five members,” Kyuhyun told him.

“Shut up, I’m talking about you!” Minho snarled. “And I am not unfulfilled in my life! Being a maknae is stupid anyway - I have the charisma of a _rapper!_ That’s _ten_ times better!”

“Is Kyu going to call her or not?” Changmin asked, sensing that if he did not intervene, this would turn into a long, angsty rant about the injustice of life.

“Fine!” Kyuhyun replied heatedly (although he wasn’t a hundred percent sure _why…_ perhaps because he was signing his own death sentence? Or perhaps due to the grim visions of his future, all of which contained him being hunted through the forest by nine bloodthirsty, revenge-seeking women).

Dialling the number, Kyuhyun muttered, “although, if she doesn’t pick up, this dare automatically - ” He paused as a familiar voice reached the other line - _dammit,_ no wonder phones seemed to be the prime topic of horror films nowadays.

“Put it on speaker!” Minho urged.

Clenching his jaw, Kyuhyun complied with this overly-eager request.

“Hello?” Jessica’s voice came from the other line (the voice of the devil, both Minho and Kyuhyun silently mused).

“Jessica, hi, it’s Kyuhyun,” Kyuhyun told her.

Changmin and Minho both smirked (although Minho’s rapidly clenching fists told of other emotions).

“What do you want?” Jessica asked, her tone slightly suspicious.

“Um, well…” Kyuhyun coughed awkwardly. “How do I say this…”

“Say it!” Minho hissed.

“…Was that Minho?”

The rapper jerked back, his eyes wide with unmasked horror.

“No,” Kyuhyun hurriedly denied (although a part of him longed to throw him to the wolves…wolf…she-wolf…). “It’s just the wind, but, uh, never mind that! I was just passing by this morning and I - ” Dammit, _why_ was he stuttering so much? …Or yeah, because he was seconds away from being doomed for life. “…Do you know Seohyun?”

“…Yes Kyuhyun,” Jessica said slowly. “I know Seohyun.”

“Yeah…” Kyuhyun let out a high-pitched laugh. “I kind of…stole her…bra…”

Dead silence (as dead as he would soon be, Kyuhyun thought silently).

“…Speak up!” Jessica sounded irritated. “You stole her car?!”

Kyuhyun shook his head. “No, I -”

“Seohyun doesn’t have a car! Not since she got pulled over about three times because they’d thought we’d let a kid behind the wheel - ”

“Her _BRA!”_

_…Aaaaaand_ the creepy, doom-foreshadowing silence was back.

“…No you didn’t,” Jessica finally said. “None of her bras are missing.”

“How does she even _know_ that?” Minho blurted, an action that sealed his fate (then again, a lot of things seemed to be sealing his fate as of late…).

“If that _Minho?!”_ Jessica shrieked.

Minho’s eyes widened in horror (again, not for the first time).

“I told you,” Kyuhyun interjected, “it’s just the - ”

“That’s not the wind!” Jessica snapped. “I know the voice of a pervert!”

_“How?”_ Changmin muttered.

“Minho put you up to this didn’t he?!” Jessica continued, her voice dripping with sheer _malice._

Minho looked seconds away from either fainting, bursting into tears, or peeing himself (or maybe doing all three things at the same time - the fear Jessica instilled was just that bad).

Jessica continued her maddened rant. “He wants to hit me where it _hurts_ so I hate you more than I currently hate him! And you, like the amazing friend you are to him, came to his defence - ”

Well…Kyuhyun had to admit, that _did_ make him smile a little. Nothing better than receiving praise that you hadn’t earned, after all.

_“NO!”_ Minho yelled, since he was not experiencing these sentiments. _“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT! HE’S **NOT** AN AMAZING FRIEND - IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT! THEY **PLANNED** ALL THIS!”_

And with those words he…okay, there _had_ to be some better words for “sealed his fate”.

There was a moment of silence, and then heavy, heavy ( _heavy_ ) breathing sounded from the other line. Changmin, Kyuhyun and Minho paled simultaneously, despite the fact that Minho was the only one who _really_ had something to fear.

_ “MINHO!” _

And that, non-believers, was the voice of the devil.

“Did the ground just shake?” Changmin whimpered.

“Quick!” Kyuhyun frantically hissed. “I have the crucifix in the car - ”

_ “ - I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND - ” _

“Dammit Kyuhyun, _turn of the damn phone!”_ Minho wailed.

_ “- YOUR BALLS WILL BE MINE - ” _

“Kyuhyun, listen to the man!” Changmin pleaded. “That voice…it’s not _normal!”_

_ “ - INTRODUCE YOU TO MR. PAIN, WHO WILL TEAR - “ _

_“Kyuhyun!”_ Changmin and Minho simultaneously cried.

_ “ - JAM THOSE LITTLE GEMS IN MY CAR DOOR AND DRIVE LIKE THE FREAKING **WIND - ”** _

Kyuhyun smashed his foot down hard on the phone and, at once, the screaming stopped.

“…You could have just turned it off,” Changmin pointed out.

“Shut up,” Kyuhyun muttered. “You two were stressing me out.”

Changmin shook his head and leant back, staring at the crushed phone in disbelief. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered, “I know it’s you she wants dead, but _wow,_ that was one of the most terrifying things I have ever heard.”

Minho clenched his fists tightly. “You - you’re all plotting behind my back aren’t you?” he choked, his face paper-white. “You _planned_ all this!”

Changmin transferred his disbelieving gaze from the phone to his friend.

Kyuhyun reached out and pat the rapper on the shoulder. “It’s okay,” he told him comfortingly. “Just know that if you need someone to talk to…there’s a therapist’s office right behind us.”

_“…Why_ does everything backfire on me?! What have I done _wrong?!”_

…

A knock on the door interrupted the hours of silence that had previously encased the Super Junior dorm. Everyone jumped in alarm (because, hearing actual sound for the first time in what seemed like forever _could_ be fairly nerve-wracking).

Leeteuk stood up and made his way to the door.

“Don’t open it!” Eunhyuk ordered.

Leeteuk paused and turned to stare at him. “What…?”

Eunhyuk swallowed. _“Every_ time we have opened that door,” he choked, “it has brought us _nothing_ but bad luck.”

“…Oh wow,” Yoochun muttered. “Thank you.”

“I mean,” Eunhyuk continued, “yesterday _he_ came!” He jabbed sharply in Yunho’s direction. “And…and look what happened! Ryeowook’s insane, I have dark circles that take up half my goddamn face, Yesung-hyung’s philtrum is _bruised_ from how hard he was gripping it - and then _they_ come - ” He gestured in the direction of the JYJ members, “ - and, god, I didn't think this was possible, but  everyone’s even _more_ insane!”

“…I thought we were your friends?” Junsu whimpered.

_…Damn_ those whimpers!

“We _are!”_ Eunhyuk frantically assured him. “Don’t cry! _Please_ don’t cry!”

Leeteuk sighed, shaking his head - Eunhyuk was probably insane. They were _all_ probably insane and, fine, it was probably his fault - so _sue_ him! He was the responsible, goody-two-shoes leader - hadn’t he _earned_ a break? Hadn’t he _earned_ the right to turn his dorm into a mental asylum?!

“I’m opening that door,” he half-growled, and turned around.

A collective shout of, _“NO!”_ followed this statement.

“Listen to me,” Kangin growled. “You open that door, and you’re not coming back inside.”

“Wha - _seriously?!”_ Leeteuk gaped at him.

“Yes,” Kangin said firmly, nodding his head. “You’re a good friend, a good leader, a good fanservice-buddy…but there comes a time when you need to make difficult decisions for the greater good. And if sacrificing one, admittedly amazing, individual will protect the rest of us - then it _has_ to be done.”

“Jesus - ” Leeteuk shook his head. _“Fine_ then! I won’t open the freaking door!”

“I opened the door.”

Cries of alarm erupted around the room. Ryeowook, who had made the remark, smiled, oblivious to the mental anguish he was responsible for.

Junsu turned and clutched onto Yoochun’s arm. “I don’t know what’s happening hyung!” he wailed “Are we going to die?!”

Yoochun sighed. “No Junsu,” he soothed, patting the younger’s shoulder. “Everyone’s just a bit mentally unstable right now.”

“It’s just Onew,” Ryeowook told them, smiling cheerily.

Yesung narrowed his eyes, looking suspicious. “You look…happy…” he observed slowly.

“I took a nap!” Ryeowook responded, beaming widely. “You’d be surprised by how healing a little sleep can be!”

“Uh…” Everyone turned at the sound of Onew’s voice; the SHINee leader stood in the doorway, looking incredibly uncertain - and considering what he’d been forced to deal with recently, it was no surprise that he wasn’t exactly the picture of serenity. “Can I talk to you?” he asked Leeteuk, sounding hopeful.

“Sure,” Leeteuk said. As he left the room, he shot a warning look at all its occupants.

“Okay,” Onew said, once they’d stepped outside of the dorms, and had gained some privacy. “I didn’t want to broadcast this, but….” He coughed nervously. “…Minho is…missing.”

_“Missing?!”_ Leeteuk stared at him in concern. “Is he alright?!”

“Well, uh…no.” Onew awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “He kind of…ran away. From the therapists. I thought he might be here since he’s friends with Kyuhyun - ”

“The therapists?” Leeteuk interrupted. “Why was Minho at the therapists?” His eyes drifted away briefly, and his eyebrows raised when he caught sight of the vehicle Onew had arrived in - or rather, what was _inside_ said vehicle (Key’s murderous face).

“Uh,” coughed the elder, “is he alright?”

Onew considered this for a moment. “…No.”

Leeteuk stared.

“Anyway, back to Minho. He’s…I don’t quite know how to say this…” Onew took a deep, anxious breath. “You can’t tell this to anyone okay?!”

Leeteuk nodded in confirmation.

“He’s addicted to sex.”

_ “…YUNHO YOU WERE RIGHT! MINHO **DID** INFLUENCE OUR MAKNAES!” _

Onew gaped at the elder in disbelief, which was furthered when a hysterical Yunho entered the scene.

“I _knew_ it!” he yelled, his eyes wide. “I knew they were too innocent to do it on their own!”

Leeteuk frantically nodded his head. “Minho, that little scoundrel…”

_How_ he had heard them from such a distance no one knew - but, at the sound of those words, Key came sprinting.

“I _know_ , isn’t he?!” he asserted eagerly, struggling to regain a normal pattern of breathing. “I say that we - ”

“Hey!” Onew yelled. “I told you to wait in the car!” Turning to Jonghyun, who was hurriedly making his way over, he cried, “I _told_ you to watch him!”

“You don’t argue with crazy people!” Jonghyun retorted.

“ - grab him and twist his - ”

_“No!_ Key, _stop!”_ With that almost desperate order, Onew turned to Leeteuk and Yunho. _“What_ is going on?!” he demanded.

“Kyu and Changmin had sex!” Leeteuk hissed (because, while he had no qualms in destroying Minho’s reputation, preserving his maknae’s innocence was vital).

Onew’s eyes widened in disbelief.

“Minho was there too!” Leeteuk added, and this time, he made no effort to lower his voice.

“…Okay, wow,” Jonghyun said at last. “Maybe taking him to the therapists wasn’t so crazy after all…”


	17. Journey to the Endless Fields

The SM dorms tended to be the same size - which was great and all, except for one little issue - when you had an abundance of members that, despite the seemingly constant reduction of numbers, never seemed to grow _quite_ small enough, things could get pretty damn torturous.

Now, couple that with all five DBSK members, and three SHINee members and, well, you had every Super Junior member’s worst nightmare.

Currently however, everyone was suppressing their inner screams of horror, and a ‘pleasant’ conversation was taking place.

“So,” Onew coughed, gesturing towards the JYJ members. “What’s the story?”

“Yunho left a drunken message on Jaejoong-hyung’s phone, and he freaked out,” Yoochun responded bluntly.

Jonghyun’s eyes widened comically. “I knew there was something going on between you two!” he cried excitedly.

Yunho and Jaejoong stared at him.

“…No,” Jaejoong said after a brief pause. “It was about Changmin.”

Jonghyun frowned. “Did he get the wrong number?”

“Hyung, don’t worry,” Key cut in, smiling comfortingly at Jaejoong (who looked utterly bewildered). “I _completely_ understand the betrayal that you’re feeling - my baby was hurt in the worst way possible by the cheating _scoundrel_ known as Choi Minho.”

“…Um, I’m sorry, what?” Jaejoong gaped at him.

Key nodded his head frantically. “He - ”

_“NO!”_ Onew shot a warning look at Key, and then an awkward smile at the DBSK members. “It’s nothing,” he told them. “Ignore him.”

“Key, Jonghyun, Jaejoong and I haven’t seen each other in years,” Yunho told them, clearly embarrassed by the assumption.

Key nodded his head knowingly. “Long distance relationship.”

_“No_ relationship,” Jaejoong interjected.

Key frowned. “Oh wow,” he muttered. “I seriously never would have guessed.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to say it!” Everyone turned to Kangin at the sound of his loud, abrupt exclamation - it seemed that the over-crowding-syndrome had kicked in at last. “Is everyone just planning on _staying_ here?!”

No one responded.

“…Because, you know, while that’s _great_ and all - ” His voice told of the complete opposite, “ - we were kind of crowded to begin with…and you know, you guys all have your own dorms…so…couldn’t you maybe, I dunno, _piss off?!”_

There was a knock on the door.

“Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me!” Kangin howled.

Ryeowook moved to answer it; Leeteuk placed a hand on his shoulder, and shook his head firmly.

“No.”

Everyone stared.

“You were right,” Leeteuk continued, “it _is_ cursed.” He paused, glanced in Junsu’s direction, and then looked away swiftly. “Won’t get _me_ with your little tricks,” he muttered under his breath.

“What tricks?” Junsu asked, blinking cluelessly. “Hyung’s, what tricks is he talking about?”

Jaejoong squealed and put a hand to his chest. “Doesn’t your heart explode every time he opens his mouth?!” he squealed.

“My _brain_ is starting to explode every time _any_ of you open your mouths,” Yoochun muttered.

“Hello?” Everyone froze as the sound of Taemin’s voice echoed through the house; it was clear who was standing at the front door. “Is anyone in there?!”

“Quick!” Leeteuk cried, his eyes darting towards Key. “Someone grab - ”

Key leapt up and sprinted towards the door.

“Taeminnie!” he shrieked. “Guys, it’s Taeminnie!”

The repeated rubbing of ears signalled that _all_ of the ‘guys’ had definitely heard him.

“Dammit!” Leeteuk softly cursed.

Key wrenched open the door. “Taeminnie, what are you doing here?” he asked, his eyes wide with concern (and slight horror because, you know, he was starting to realise that they had a _little_ problem regarding a missing bandmate).

“I’m looking for you guys,” Taemin responded awkwardly. “Everyone kind of…disappeared.” He frowned. “And no one’s picking up their phones, so I thought I’d stop by here, since Minho-hyung is friends with Kyuhyun-hyung…”

Oh yes, the horror was _definitely_ there.

Taemin walked in to the house, past his frozen bandmate. Seeing the crowded room (and the JYJ members, which confused him even more), he blinked in bewilderment. “Is there a party or something?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Kangin muttered, “one with a lot of uninvited guests.”

Like every concerned ‘parent’, wanting to preserve their child’s sense of self worth, and diminish the realisation that they had no friends - not that Taemin didn’t have friends, he had _plenty_ (the fangirls considered themselves friends) - Key rapidly shook his head, simultaneously yelling, “there is no party! If there were a party, you would be here!”

There was a sudden yell from Kangin; Leeteuk had given him a good thwack for his previous comment.

“You didn’t even want to let him in the house!” Kangin howled in protest.

“Yes, but that’s before I saw his adorable face!” Leeteuk snapped (oh yes, Taemin had _connections)._ “Dammit, it’s too much to handle, alright?!”

“…They’re acting weird,” Taemin muttered.

“Yes baby, I know,” Key said soothingly, “but we’ll just have put up with it for now, okay?”

“Aww, hi Taemin!” Jaejoong greeted cheerily. “Been a while, huh?”

“Yeah…” Taemin smiled. “Um…so…is this a special occasion or something?”

Jaejoong shrugged. “I thought Changmin was on drugs.”

Taemin stared.

Jaejoong continued, oblivious to the immense confusion of the younger (because the blunt statement “Changmin was on drugs” wasn’t exactly the type of thing you heard every day). “Unless Yunho was protecting my ‘fragile mental state’ - ” He let out a loud laugh, as if unable to comprehend how ridiculous this was. Yunho, Yoochun and Junsu exchanged glances. “ - I don’t think he _actually_ is.”

“So Taemin,” Donghae interrupted, since Taemin looked seconds away from asking Jaejoong if he was mental (or maybe not, since it was Taemin), “what brings you by to our dorm - ”

“Uninvited,” Kangin muttered.

“ - today?”

“Um, well, I’m looking for Minho-hyung,” Taemin said, after a brief hesitation. It seemed as if the strange responses to Minho’s name (heavy panting, murderous stares, and demonic smiles) had brought on the notion that the name was pretty much cursed.

When Leeteuk and Yunho took deep, shuddering breaths and clenched their fists, it pretty much confirmed this theory.

“Taeminnie,” Key said slowly, “Minho…went away.”

Jonghyun winced.

“Don’t tell him that!” Jaejoong interjected, his eyes wide. “That’s what parents tell their kids when their pets die!”

“Jesus Key,” Jonghyun added. “I know you’re mad at Minho, but don’t compare him to an _animal!”_

Key glared. “I wasn’t - ”

“You know,” Yesung cut in, “that’t not necessarily true. When I was a kid, my parents told me that my pet turtle had “went away”, and he’d _really…”_ There was a slight pause, filled with pitying stares. “…Mr. Stiffy didn’t die!” Yesung wailed, his eyes wide in denial. “He went on a holiday to the Endless Fields!”

“…Mr. Stiffy?” Eunhyuk muttered.

“He had a stiff shell!” Yesung snapped.

“Seriously - the _endless fields?!”_ Yoochun interjected, his voice slightly disbelieving.

Yesung shot him a venomous stare. “It was a shelter for homeless turtles, okay?!” he spat, his arms crossed almost childishly over his chest. “Umma said we couldn’t keep him, and he needed a place to go!”

“…Sweet Jesus,” Yoochun muttered, “the insanity _came_ to SM.”

Taemin swallowed heavily, looking scared. “Did something happen to Minho-hyung?” he questioned.

_“No!”_ Key protested. “That’s not - nothing bad happened! Why would you think that?!”

“Because - ”

_“Taemin!”_ Ryeowook cried. He didn’t know exactly _what_ was going on to be honest, but someone needed to do something before that poor, innocent boy was pulled down the path of insanity with the rest of them. “Let’s go into the kitchen, and I’ll whip you up a nice smoothie, and we can talk about fun, meaningless things while everyone else here talks about…er…Mr. Stiffy…”

“But - ”

Ignoring Taemin’s protests, Ryeowook dragged him into the kitchen.

“Oh my god!” Key wailed once they had left. “What do we _say_ to him?!”

“I don’t know Key,” Jonghyun retorted sarcastically. “Why don’t we tell him that Minho went away to the ‘endless fields’?!”

“Oh, shut _up!”_ Key spat. “I was just - ”

“I’m sorry,” Yoochun cut in, “but what _did_ happen to Minho?!” The majority of the room looked on in curiosity - while they had all participated in the insane discussion, no one _actually_ knew _what_ they were discussing.

“He ran away from the therapists, and now he’s missing,” Onew told them.

“And… _why_ was he at the therapists?” Siwon inquired.

Onew paused at this. “Um…”

“Sex addiction,” Leeteuk responded bluntly.

“…Thank you for that,” Onew muttered.

Everyone else simply stared.

“…And we aren’t calling Taemin _because?”_ Heechul questioned, breaking through the awkward silence. In all honesty, he knew the answer to his question - he just _desperately_ wanted someone else to say it (he’d been forced  to sit through hours of awkward silence, and there was nothing going on TV).

“Because Taeminnie is madly in love with him!” Key cried.

Jonghyun winced. “No he isn’t…”

“It would simply break his heart!”

Gasps of horror echoed around the room - it was clear that Minho had just gathered up another wave of enemies (and Junsu’s twitching eye was _not_ a good sign).

_“No_ dammit…” Jonghyun gritted out.

“What do we say to Taemin?” Onew interrupted, before the discussion could turn to graphic detail of Minho’s violent murder.

Yunho cut in before the conversation could go back on track - Onew silently wondered why he even tried.

“Do you think Kyu and Changmin are with Minho?” the DBSK leader inquired anxiously.

“No, Minho was at the therapists,” Jaejoong argued. “Why would…” His eyes widened in alarm, and everyone braced themselves for horrified screaming. “Dammit Yunho, is there something you’re not telling me?!”  

_“No!”_ Yunho snapped. “Why do you _always_ assume I’m keeping things from you?!”

“Because you _always_ do this Yunho!” Jaejoong shrieked (oh, and when I say shrieked, I mean _shrieked -_ Siwon was actually inching towards the doorway, ready to ward off any furious neighbours). “You try to keep it all to yourself - ”

“Yes, because I don’t want you screaming like a _psychopath_ in the middle of the night! I _do_ like to _sleep_ you know!”

Jaejoong scoffed. “Well, sorry for caring about my bandmates! The next time you’re in trouble, just wait and see what I do. Oh, and say goodbye to your warm, cooked din - ” He paused, realising exactly _what_ he was saying.

“You don’t cook dinner for him,” Heechul bluntly stated. “You don’t live in the same dorm. You’re not in the same band anymore.”

_“Thank you_ for that,” Yunho gritted out. “We hadn’t realised.”

Yoochun coughed. “Well, you know - ”

_ “Thank you.” _

“Oh my _god,_ have your lover’s spat later!” Key screeched. “My baby needs us - _what_ are we going to tell him?!”

“Why don’t we tell him that Minho went on a journey?” Siwon suggested.

“Sounds like he’s dead,” Kangin argued.

“…to see his parents.”

Key shook is head. “No.”

“Why not?” Siwon argued. “It’s logical!”

“It’s boring!” Key snapped. “Next option!”

Siwon gaped.

Heechul let out an enthusiastic laugh and rubbed his hands together. “Minho’s getting tested for STD’s!”

…It _was_ Heechul…

“No!” Key cried. “Taeminnie can’t know about _any_ of that!”

“Okay,” Eunhyuk tried, “how about this - Minho realises that he has a new passion for…well, you decide that…but he decided to leave the band!”

Well _that_ gathered up more than a few disbelieving stares.

“We’re trying to divert Taemin’s attention, not _kill_ him!” Jonghyun snapped.

“Um…”

Everyone jumped in alarm, realising that Taemin was currently with them in the room.

“Taeminnie!” Key exclaimed, his voice shaking. “Hi!”

“What’s…” Taemin frowned. “What’s going on…?”

“Uh…well…you see…” Key let out a nervous laugh, his hands gripping each other so tightly that they looked in danger of falling off. “Minho…he’s…”

“He’s at the therapists,” Leeteuk said bluntly.

There was a moment of silence, in which everyone stared at him in vague disbelief.

“What?” Leeteuk shot back defensively. “You think those other stories were better?”

“Why is Minho-hyung at the therapists?” Taemin interrupted, confusion oozing from his voice. Which was no surprise since…well, everyone kept interrupting, and the situation was becoming more and more baffling.

“He’s not,” Key awkwardly interjected. “He…he ran away.”

Taemin’s eyes bugged. _“Why?!”_

Key swallowed heavily trying to improvise (something he should _never_ do because, well…you be the judge). “Um, because, you see…remember how I told you we went out for cat food?”

…Oh dear.

Taemin slowly nodded his head.

“…The cat died! So we…I mean Minho…he loved that cat, you know? Played with it, bathed with it, ate his dinner with it…” Key’s voice was growing more and more frantic.

“…He ate his dinner with us.”

“Yes!” Key squeaked. “But the cat was there too! It ate under the table!”

Taemin frowned. “But I never noticed a cat there…”

If the lie wasn’t bad enough, Sungmin decided to turn it into a fun group activity, and cut in with his own little addition to the tale. “It’s true you know! Donghae had a dog and it ate under the table with us for _four years_ and we never noticed! _None_ of us! He had us all fooled!”

Siwon nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah and, Kibum…you remember Kibum, don’t you? He was _allergic_ to dogs and he never noticed, despite the _many_ hospital visits - ”

A number of the members cringed at the terrible lie.

“…Oh…” Taemin looked like he wasn’t sure _what_ to believe.

Key frantically nodded his head. “Yes! So the dog - ”

“I thought it was a cat?”

“It _was,_ you’re just confusing me now! It - the cat died!” Key swallowed, his eyes darting frantically from side to side; in the background, a series of cringes and pitying head-shakes were taking place. “Minho was traumatised! We rushed him to the therapists!”

“…Why?”

More head-shakes and cringes.

“Um…” Key choked. “Well, because…”

“The therapist doubled as a psychic!” Junsu cut in (and, well, if that was supposed to make the situation _better…_ it did the complete opposite). “They thought it might be good for his…you know.” He waved his hand vaguely.

“It’d give him some peace of mind!” Donghae said.

A suggestion? If you want to make up a lie…do a little planning first. And do _not_ have numerous people screaming over the top of each other.

Obviously the Suju/DBSK/SHINee gang had failed in that aspect.

“Just to be clear,” Yoochun interrupted, “We don’t really believe in this psychic stuff. We’re not crazy.”

“And just to be clear…Minho does,” Yunho added. Yes, he still hadn’t gotten over the whole ‘corrupting my maknae!’ dilemma.

Taemin frowned, obviously struggling to take it all in. “So…why did he run away?”

Heechul chose this moment to have his input, eager to screw the story up further. “Plot twist!” he exclaimed enthusiastically. “The psychic therapist wasn’t really a psychic therapist after all - she was a _stripper!”_

And…the cringes were back.

“Oh no…” Eunhyuk muttered.

Heechul continued, a wide smirk etched across his face. “Because, you see, the SHINee boys - ”

Jonghyun frowned at this. “I’m sorry, _boys?!”_

“ - had taken a wrong turn and had ended up in…” He paused for dramatic effect. “…A strip club!”

Remember how there tended to be _a lot_ of awkward silences amongst these people? Yeah…here was another one. And it lasted…well, it lasted a long time. Let’s just leave it at that.

“Oh yeah,” Heechul added, as if he hadn’t already said enough. “Minho was so traumatised because, you know, he’s so _pure_ and _innocent - ”_ He then let out a series of choking noises, before collapsing to the floor in laughter.

No one said anything.

“…Minho went in alone,” Onew choked. “We…we stayed in the car…” He glanced away and, once again, there was no response.

 


	18. In Which Doom Approaches

“If you could pick any place to live, where would you choose?” Kyuhyun asked, his voice slightly dazed (he’d been on the brink of sleep for the past half and hour or so).

“Why?” Minho asked blankly.

Kyuhyun shrugged. “I just thought you’d need options in case you can never go home again.”

“…That’s it.” Minho sat up abruptly. “One or both of us is dying today!”

“Hey!” Changmin snarled. “Shut up! It’s horrible enough out here, without the both of you screaming like a bunch of psychopaths!”

“We aren’t _like_ a bunch of psychopaths!” Minho retorted sharply. “We _are_ a bunch of psychopaths! This game has _ruined_ us!”

“…I want truth,” Changmin said.

“Oh Jesus,” Minho moaned, “I didn't think it could get any worse.”

“Um…” Kyuhyun’s eyebrows raised in response to Changmin’s statement. “What?”

“I _said_ I wanted truth,” Changmin responded, smirking. _“None_ of you have chosen truth yet - I want to be the first. I want to be…the most un-wimpiest of us all!”

“…Oh god, _now_ look! It’s even damaged our vocabulary!”

Yes, if it hadn’t already been established, the game had been truly damaging.

Changmin shot a glare at Minho, and then a pointed look at Kyuhyun. “Ask me a question,” he ordered.

Kyuhyun’s smirk grew. “So…you’re saying…you want _truth?”_

“Yes.”

“…Captured on film for all to see for all eternity?”

Changmin gritted his teeth slightly. “Until I burn that film, yes.”

“…Oh, this is too good to be true!” And then, because he was the most evilest idol _ever,_ Kyuhyun let out a sharp cackle, and eagerly rubbed his hands together.

“Kyuhyun!” Changmin snarled (Kyuhyun silently chalked it up to the other maknae being jealous of his awesome evil ability). “Shut up and ask me a question already!”

Kyuhyun let out another laugh; Minho and Changmin exchanged glances, wondering why they even bothered.

“No - oh no,” Kyuhyun choked, and then (no surprise), he laughed again. “This is just - this is _too_ good. I need to - I need to _savour_ this. I mean, god, I can ask you _anything_ I want, and you’ll _have_ to answer and - oh my god. This is power guys - this is _power!_ I…it’s like I was given and amazing _gift,_ and - ”

“…Why won’t he stop talking?” Minho whispered, his eyes wide.

“ - it was the crucifix. It was the crucifix, wasn't it? Damn, no wonder Siwon carries that thing around, it’s like a magic lamp - only you don’t need to rub it, all you need it _faith - ”_

And people said that _Seungri_ was the maknae who never shut up.

_“Kyuhyun!”_ Changmin snapped.

“…I need to think about this…” Kyuhyun sighed. “I need to think _long_ and _hard_ about this…”

“Oh for godsake - ” Changmin shook his head. “Can I change to dare?”

“Can I throw myself off a bridge?” Kyuhyun retorted.

“…Sure,” Changmin said, without a moment’s hesitation.

“Um,” Minho interrupted. “Do you want me to call for help again?”

“Later,” Kyuhyun replied, waving his hand impatiently.

…

And so time flew by, and Kyuhyun evilly rubbed his hands together and silently plotted Changmin’s downfall, while Changmin went through a mental list of people who would make good replacement-best friends.

“Kyuhyun!” he growled, when he couldn’t take it any longer (additionally, the fact that he couldn’t think of _anyone_ was starting to irritate him - sure the idea of Yunho had been tossed around, but then, he didn’t think he could handle hanging around his hyung all day…and none of the Super Junior members either. If Kyuhyun had come out of that band, _something_ had to be wrong). “It’s been an _hour_ already!”

“Shut up!” Kyuhyun snapped. “I’m brainstorming here!”

Changmin glared. “Just ask me a goddamn question!”

Minho leaned over to Kyuhyun, and, looking _way_ too eager for his own good, excitedly whispered, “you should ask him if Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung are a couple!”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. “Sure, and while I’m at it, why don’t I ask him his name?” He snorted. “Minho, don’t ask obvious questions!”

“…Yeah, you’re right.” Minho shook his head, and let out a small laugh. “Um…how about you ask him who he lost his virginity to?”

Kyuhyun sighed. “Again, no obvious questions! I mean, I think we all know what the answer is.”

Minho blinked. “Um…”

“No one,” Kyuhyun told him slowly.

“Wha - _hey!”_ Changmin yelled in protest. “I _can_ hear you you know!”

“This needs to be good,” Kyuhyun said thoughtfully. “This needs to be thought our carefully, because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity - ”

...There _had_ been a time when Kyuhyun had held big dreams…you know…a while back…

“Which Girls Generation member do you like the most?” Minho asked Changmin excitedly.

_“No!”_ Kyuhyun interjected harshly. “Minho, shut up! I mean, it’s _obviously_ Yoona, but anyway - ”

“Now, come on, you can’t know that!” Minho protested. “I mean what about…Tiffany?”

Kyuhyun paused and cocked his head to the side thoughtfully, images of pretty girls flying through his head (in Changmin’s head, images of Kyuhyun and Minho’s decapitated heads fluttered around). “Hmm…true…and Seohyun’s a real catch…”

Minho nodded his head in agreement.

Changmin clenched his jaw.

“…But no!” Kyuhyun abruptly cried. “It has to be better than that! It has to be…” His eyes widened.

If it were a movie, this would be where the inspirational music would start blaring.

“I’ve _got_ it!” the maknae cried.

Changmin readied himself for the worst, while Minho waited in anticipation.

“…Do you _really_ make those high notes?”

There was a long, drawn out pause.

“That’s…it?” Changmin said at last.

“You know,” Minho cut in, “now that I think about it, I’ve always kind of wondered the same thing…I mean, you open your mouth and then suddenly, you’ve switched from Changmin-hyung to Changmin-noona.”

Oh poor, poor, _poor_ Changmin.

“What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?!” the poor soul in question wailed. “I’ll have you know that my high notes are _very_ manly.”

(Just a side note: if you want to test your manliness, high notes do _not_ make a good method of measurement).

“Yes…but are they _your_ high notes?” Kyuhyun pressed.

“Yes,” Changmin said through gritted teeth.

Kyuhyun smirked. “Prove it.”

Changmin clenched his jaw, but a moment later, opened his mouth to indeed ‘prove’ this action.

At that exact moment the phone rang (not that either of them noticed - Changmin was preoccupied with preserving his manliness, and Kyuhyun was preoccupied with terminating it).

“Hey Kyu,” Minho said, “your phone is ringing…”

Since neither of the maknaes seemed prepared to listen, Minho picked up the gravely damaged phone (it was a wonder it still worked - Kyuhyun packed a good stomp), and answered it.

“Hello…?”

Changmin let out his treasured high note, just as Minho let out an excited yell of, “Sungmin-hyung! Oh, thank god - ”

…Aaaaand that was all he got out before the dreaded sound of ringing met his ears.

“Sungmin-hyung?!” he desperately cried. “Sungmin-hyung?! Oh… _come on!”_

“Wow…” Kyuhyun murmured, staring at Changmin in shock. “…There are no refunds in this game, right?”

…

Back at the ridiculously-crowded Super Junior dorm, everyone stared at a panting Sungmin, who clutched his phone to his chest, his eyes wide.

“What…?” Leeteuk asked.

“I don’t know,” Sungmin responded, his voice shaking. “Someone screamed…”

“…Someone _screamed?”_ Leeteuk’s voice rose in slight alarm. Considering the fact that lately, he seemed to be travelling down the same path of melodrama that Jaejoong had long-since conquered, it was a surprise he wasn’t currently screaming his head off.

Sungmin nodded.

“…Someone _SCREAMED?!”_

Ahhh…there is was.

“Who was it?!” Donghae demanded anxiously.

“Did it sound like whoever it was was in pain?!” Key asked, all too eagerly. Jonghyun nudged him sharply in the side, while Onew repeatedly winced.

“It…” Sungmin swallowed. “It sounded really high.”

Well, there was only one person that could be, and every DBSK member knew it.

_“CHANGMIN!”_ they all screamed simultaneously.

“Oh my god!” Jaejoong, king of all things dramatic, wailed at the top of his lungs. “My baby’s hurt!”

“Okay, hyung,” Yoochun interjected, trying to quell the upcoming chaos (after all, every time Jaejoong opened his mouth, something was bound to happen), “you don’t _know_ that.”

“Why else would he be screaming?!” Jaejoong retorted, and grabbed Yoochun be the collar - Yoochun squirmed out of his hold, and decided that he wasn’t going to try reasoning with psychopaths anymore.

“Call him back!” Jaejoong cried, breathing heavily. “Call him back _right now!”_

Sungmin let out a small whimper, and shifted closer to Leeteuk. “Hyung, he’s scaring me…” he whispered.

Leeteuk, who was frozen, did nothing to help the situation. Everyone else in the room was too confused to comfort the trembling master of aegyo.

“Dammit!” Jaejoong howled. “Why are you just _standing there?!”_

Sungmin flinched. “I - ”

“You heard the man!” Yunho cut in, and it seemed, when it regarded their ‘baby’, Yunho and Jaejoong could once again stand united (until Yunho said something that made Jaejoong want to slap him). “Do I need to take the phone and make the call myself?!”

Sungmin cradled the phone to is chest, and rapidly shook his head.

“Hey, come on!” Eunhyuk protested. “Stop being so mean to him!”

Jaejoong whirled around and glared at him. No one was quite sure _what_ Eunhyuk saw in those eyes, but whatever it was…well, let’s just say, they’d only seen that kind of fear in horror movies.

_“LEE SUNGMIN!”_ Leeteuk howled, and Sungmin jumped in alarm, looking close to tears (despite his fragile outer-appearance, Sungmin inwardly burned with fury, as he angrily questioned why, despite his amazing aegyo abilities, he couldn’t have the power of Junsu).

“Changmin was _screaming!”_ Leeteuk yelled. “Do you know what that _means?!”_

Sungmin shook his head.

“Changmin could be in _danger!_ And do you know what _that_ means?!”

“…No,” Sungmin whispered, and slowly moved towards the other members of the band, deciding that safety in numbers was there for a reason.

_ “…MY MAKNAE COULD BE IN DANGER!” _

“Sweet mother of God,” Kangin muttered. “And the fans pair me up with this lunatic?”

Leeteuk whirled around to face him, and, similar to the Jaejoong situation, Kangin was reduced to a blubbering mess.

Shindong made frantic gestures towards the phone in Sungmin’s hand.

“I think I want to go home now…” Taemin whimpered.

Key pat him on the head. “No baby,” he said. “I’m keeping you close for now.”

Unbeknownst to him (and Key probably would have broken down if he'd known), these words struck terror in Taemin’s heart.

Sungmin, deciding that he was too young to die, dialled the number, and held the phone to his ear.

…

Far away in the forest, Minho was immersed with his newly created rap.

“Oh no,” he recited, “I’m trapped out in the forest - with my friends who I really want to smother - I nearly escaped cause of Sungmin, but Changmin-noona screwed us over - ”

“Stop _calling_ me that!”

“ - with his girly-little high notes - ”

_ “My high notes are the manliest in the business!” _

“Shut _UP!”_ Kyuhyun howled, slamming his fist on the ground (you knew it was bad when Kyuhyun was trying to stop a possible chaotic outbreak).

That’s when the phone rang.

For a moment no one breathed.

“Is that…?” Changmin whispered, his eyes wide with hope.

“My phone!” Kyuhyun murmured, his fingernails digging into his palm in anticipation.

“Guys!” Minho interjected. “It may just be a call from a salesman - ”

“It says Sungmin,” Kyuhyun interrupted.

“…Well then, what the hell are you waiting for?! Pick it up!”

“I _am!”_ Swallowing, Kyuhyun reached for the phone (insert heavenly choir music),  and held it to his ear. “Hello?” he asked. “Hyung?”

The voice on the other end, to his ears, was the most beautiful thing he’d heard in a long time (he silently reminded himself to never say that to the fans).

“Listen to my very carefully okay?!” Kyuhyun ordered, cutting off whatever Sungmin had been about to say. After all, even beauty had its limits. “Do not repeat this to _anyone,_ but I’m going to need you to pick me, Changmin and Minho up from somewhere - ”

In the background, Minho and Changmin shared excited grins.

They were finally getting out.

…

The phone call ended shortly after, and Sungmin set the device down, before turning to the others.

“Did you get that all down?” he inquired, and several people nodded their heads (the speaker had its merits).

“Let’s go!” Jaejoong eagerly exclaimed.

Sungmin frowned slightly at this. “Um,” he said, “I think Kyuhyun wanted me to come alone - ”

He was ignored - Sungmin wondered why this couldn’t have happened previously. It would have done wonders for his bladder.

The next moment, a sea of Super Junior, DBSK and SHINee members went running for the door. Sungmin stood in the centre, slightly disbelieving - were they seriously _all_ planning on going?!

…Oh what was he saying, of _course_ they were.

“Oh my god, what do you think those three are _doing_ with each other in the forest?!” Leeteuk whimpered, as he hurried forward.

Yoochun shook his head. “Has everyone been on _drugs_ since we left?” he muttered.

Eunhyuk snorted. “Like you have any room to talk,” he retorted, nodding to Jaejoong, who was frantically chewing on his nails.


	19. Road Rage

“…So you’re _sure_ our baby is okay?”

From behind the wheel of the car, Yunho let out a loud snort. “Oh, so _now_ he’s our baby?” he mocked, ignoring Jaejoong’s indignant stare. “He wasn’t ‘our’ baby when you left!”

Jaejoong tightly clenched his fists. “Oh don’t turn this around on me Yunho,” he growled. _“You_ left me that message and almost gave me a _heart attack!”_

Yunho snorted. “Well I’m sorry if I was a little drunk after having to deal with ‘our’ baby having his first sexual experience all by myself!”

Yoochun - the only one who seemed to notice that things were a little bit…well, not _normal_ \- blinked. “First sexual - ?”

Jaejoong let out a loud gasp and clutched at his chest. “Oh my god, did you get pictures?!”

“Wha - _no Jaejoong, I did not get pictures!”_

“…Right, sorry, wrong situation,” Jaejoong muttered, his cheeks flushing slightly.

“Anyway,” Yunho continued, deciding that lingering on the notion of photos of… _that_ was just making him severely horrified, “what right do you have to judge how I handle _my_ maknae? After all, you weren’t the one to comfort him when he was bawling his eyes out when you left - ”

“Hold it!” Yoochun interrupted, holding up his palm. “Let’s be honest here - Changmin did _not_ cry.”

Yunho averted his eyes. “Okay fine,” he admitted, “I added that in for extra guilt-effect. But…you _left.”_

“You didn’t answer any of my phone calls,” Jaejoong retorted, his lips forming into a small pout.

“And you _left!”_

Jaejoong clenched his jaw. “I’m sorry okay?!” he snapped. “I just couldn’t stay in that company anymore! You could have come too you know! Don’t put the blame on me just because things didn’t go _your_ way and - ”

“I know okay?!” Yunho gritted. “It’s just - you guys were my family - ”

“Shut _up_ Yunho!” Jaejoong shrieked. “I’m having my moment here okay?! I’ll be done in a second, just _shut up_ until then!”

Yunho’s mouth snapped shut in slight alarm (an angry Jaejoong would do that to you).

“I asked you to come with me! You didn’t want to! I don’t understand why _I’m_ the only one whose abandoned anyone here, when you chose the company over us!”

“Um,” Junsu intervened, “can I say something?”

_ “It’s **my** moment!” _

Yoochun awkwardly pat a startled Junsu on the shoulder. “It’s okay,” he told his bandmate. “He’s the crazy one, not you.”

Jaejoong leaned back in his seat and frowned, evidently less-psychotic than a few moments ago. “…Yunho?” he asked softly.

Yunho narrowed his eyes. “What?” he muttered.

Jaejoong chewed on his lip. “Doesn’t this remind you of the days we used to our concerts in the van?" 

Yunho’s anger diminished slightly; he sighed softly, and nodded his head. “Yeah,” he murmured, “and the first few times, Junsu would get sick with stage fright and throw up.”

“And _I_ would be forced to sit next to him,” Yoochun muttered.

“Wow,” Jaejoong sighed, sitting back in his seat. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Yunho nodded. “Yup.”

“…So about that sexual experience…who…?”

“Kyuhyun.”

“…No.” Jaejoong’s eyes widened. “No way!”

“Yup.”

Jaejoong simply shook his head in disbelief.

From the backseat, Junsu smiled dreamily. “Isn’t it nice to have the parents together again?” he sighed.

Yoochun stared.

“…Band.” Junsu hurriedly averted his eyes. “I meant band.”  
…

In the SHINEE vehicle, there were three hysterical screams (and one cry of euphoria) as the car nearly smashed into a nearby pole.

“Which idiot put Key behind the wheel?!” Jonghyun demanded, his face paper-white. The car swerved again, and he tightened his grip on the seat in front of him.

“Excuse me?!” Onew retorted heatedly. “I tried to stop him and ended up being pushed to the pavement and _trampled on!”_

“…I didn’t see you there,” Jonghyun awkwardly muttered.

Taemin shot Onew a concerned look (it only lasted for a second - Key’s erratic driving made any expressions other than pure fear very rare). “Are you alright hyung?”

“Yes Taemin,” Onew said, nodding his head. “I’m - _oh my fucking god!”_

The car swerved violently, almost taking out a nearby road sign.

_“KEY!”_ Jonghyun howled.

Key clenched his jaw tightly. “I need to get there - ” he muttered. “I need to catch that bastard in the act - ”

“The act of what - ? Oh sweet _Jesus,_ you do _not_ think he is going _that_ with Kyuhyun and Changmin, do you?!” Jonghyun shot him a horrified stare.

Key responded by speeding up.

“Dammit, slow down!” Onew pled. “I want to live!”

Taemin let out a choked sob.

“I can’t believe that frog,” Key grumbled, his eyes flashing. “Breaking my poor Taeminnie’s heart - ”

With each word, the speed seemed to be increasing more and more.

“No!” Taemin cried, shaking his head rapidly. His arms were wrapped tightly around Onew, who was debating whether to endure it, or tell Taemin to get the _hell_ off him so he could get some oxygen. “Hyung, I’m not upset!” Taemin continued desperately.

Key turned around, looking concerned. “Oh baby, you don’t have to act strong for me!” he cooed, as the car violently swerved.

_“DAMMIT KIM KIBUM!”_ Jonghyun shrieked. _“KEEP YOUR GODDAMN EYES ON THE ROAD!”_   
…

  
Leeteuk’s breath was erratic as he clutched frantically to the wheel. “You don’t think Minho would try anything, do you?” he questioned shakily.

“No,” was Kangin’s response.

“…But what if…what if he tries to jump Kyuhyun?!” Leeteuk swallowed heavily. “I mean, Kyu’s so innocent, he’d probably just give in - he’d probably think Minho was - ”

“What?!” Kangin shot back. “He’d think he was _what_ \- playing _real life video games with him?!”_

Siwon clenched his jaw and turned up the volume on his ipod.

Leeteuk’s eyes widened in panic. “Oh my _god!”_ he exclaimed. “You don’t think - ”

“God!” Kangin bellowed. “Are you on _drugs?!”_

Siwon fingers frantically slammed on the volume button.

“Just drive the damn car!” Kangin growled, his eyes flashing. “Please! We’ll go and get Kyuhyun and, dammit, if I have to I’ll lock the idiot in his room for the rest of his life if that will stop you from turning into a _complete psychopath_ \- and _dammit_ Siwon, _TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!”_

No one said anything for a moment, and Siwon’s ear-shattering music could be heard blaring through his head phones.

Leeteuk turned to Kangin, his eyes shining. “Would you really do that?!”

Deciding he’d had enough, Donghae snatched out his phone and frantically dialled the only person who could save him from this insanity.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it!” Donghae practically sobbed when Eunhyuk’s voice appeared on the other line.

“Donghae!” Eunhyuk exclaimed. “Come on, don’t say that! It’s only a few more hours.”

“They won’t shut up!” Donghae whimpered. “And…and Siwon keeps listening to YG artists on repeat - I think it's a sign of his newfound hatred for SM - ”

“Calm down.” Eunhyuk’s voice was soothing (…well he was _attempting_ to be soothing, but the look in Donghae’s eyes certainly said otherwise). “It won’t be much longer.”

Donghae sniffed. “I just wanted to tell you that if I don’t make it, you were the best friend I could have ever hoped for!”

“Donghae!” Eunhyuk sounded slightly exasperated. “Seriously, you’re just sitting in a car - ”

“Insanity is contagious, okay?!” Donghae spat. “I was normal until I got in here! Now let me finish!” Breathing heavily (and looking more than a little psychotic), Donghae continued his rant. “I…I love you! And because of that, our bromance will survive even the tragedy of my death!”

Oh yes…Donghae had fallen down the deep end.

“Donghae?” Eunhyuk choked, sounding mortified.

_ “DAMMIT MAN, IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP IN THE NEXT SECOND, YOU’LL BE OUT THE WINDOW!” _

“…Was that _Kangin?!”_

Donghae swallowed tearfully and glanced wistfully out the window. “Is it very nice where you are?” he murmured.

There was no response.

“Tell me the truth!” he snapped. “I can handle it!”

“…Nah,” Eunhyuk choked. “I…it’s really awful in here. I mean, my mind’s breaking apart. It’s…it’s awful.”  
…

In the other Super Junior car, things were _far_ from ‘awful’.

“I feel kind of guilty for dooming the others,” Shindong mused, “but…at the same time, I kind of don’t.”

Ryeowook smiled, starry-eyed. “It feels so good to be one of the lucky ones!”

Yesung let out a small laugh and played with his philtrum.

“Thank _god_ we’re all such pros at rock paper scissors, huh?” Heechul, who was behind the wheel, mused. “Can you imagine what would have happened if we’d ended up in _that_ car?!”

“…Hyung, you lost the game,” Sungmin pointed out.

Heechul narrowed his eyes. “Why do you keep saying that?!” he snapped. “I have no _idea_ what you’re talking about.”

“He means the game we played to decide who…well, who _survives,”_ Shindong told him slowly.

Yesung nodded. “You lost. You should be in the other car. There shouldn’t…well, there really shouldn’t be six people in this car, it’s not exactly legal…”

“…When the hell did any of that happen?!” Heechul retorted, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. “Does anyone remember? And, when you answer, remember - I’m behind the wheel. I have the power to drive this thing  off a cliff if I want.”

…There were different kinds of crazy. The kind where you could actually control the inner psychopath…well, that was the scariest. And that was Heechul.

“Heechul-hyung’s right, he fully deserves to be in here,” Sungmin muttered quickly as the car pulled up at a traffic light.

Ryeowook peered out the window and his eyes widened. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “It’s the others.”

Eunhyuk looked over in time to see Donghae frantically rolling down his window. He copied this action, and had soon eliminated the glass barrier between himself and his best friend.

“Hyukkie!” Donghae sobbed, tears glistening in his eyes (now people, you just have to ask yourself this question - _how_ had a simple game of truth or dare caused all _this?!)._

The sight of Donghae’s tearful face was freaking Eunhyuk out more than a little bit. After all, Donghae wasn't just his best friend - he was one of the few sane people left in Super Junior, and Eunhyuk had to cling to that. If not, the craziness would eventually affect him as well.

“Donghae!” he cried soothingly. “It’s really not that bad! You just need to endure - ”

“Oh Hyukjae,” Donghae sniffed. “I wish that were true! You don’t understand - the insanity - I can _feel_ it - ”

“Shut the hell up!” Heechul snarled from the passenger seat of the sane vehicle (after all, Leeteuk had all but destroyed any normality in the other car). “SNSD’s on the radio!”

“You said you were suffering!” Donghae cried, staring accusingly at Eunhyuk.

“I am!” Eunhyuk protested (even though he _totally_ wasn’t).

“…Oh Hyukkie.” With his anger immediately dissipating, Donghae returned to his previous dismal state. “I won’t survive!”

Eunhyuk frowned. The sheer conviction in his friend’s voice was starting to scare him - that window was too small to jump out of, right?

“If I don’t survive promise me you’ll never replace me as your best friend!”

…Then again, Donghae was a bit stunted…

“Of _course_ I wouldn’t!” Eunhyuk assured him, his voice wobbling a bit (dammit, it was getting to him too…). “Donghae, _no one_ could replace you!”

Donghae sniffed. “You mean it?!”

“Yes!” Eunhyuk nodded his head frantically. “You’re the only one for me! The only man who could ever come _close_ to filling that role!”

…Yeah, Eunhyuk had been affected.

Sungmin leaned over to Ryeowook, muttering, “should they really be yelling that out of an open window?”

“Oh Hyukkie!” Donghae sobbed. He shoved his hand through the open window, reaching for his best friend. Ignoring Kangin’s shouts of, _“keep your fucking limbs in the goddamn car!”_ , he cried, “hold my hand - this may be the last time I’ll ever get to touch you!”

_“Okay_ guys!” Sungmin loudly interrupted. “This could be seriously misinterpreted - ”

Eunhyuk copied Donghae’s motion, reaching out.

…Just as a car whizzed past them, nearly tearing the offending limbs in the process. Both Donghae and Eunhyuk screamed hysterically and yanked their arms back.

“Dammit!” Leeteuk spat furiously. “Who _was_ that lunatic?!”

“Calm down,” Kangin sighed (because, yes, he was pissed - but it had gotten Donghae and Eunhyuk to shut the hell up, so maybe it wasn’t so bad). “I’m sure we’ll never see them again.”

…

In the car that had nearly rendered Donghae and Eunhyuk armless, Key clutched the wheel, his eyes flashing dangerously.

“Bastard’s had it coming to them,” he muttered. “Who the _hell_ just _stops_ in the middle of the goddamn road?!”

“Key!” Onew snapped, his eyes wide from lingering shock. “It was a _red light!”_

…  
 _“WHOA-WHOA…BOX IN THE SHIP! WHOA-WHOA - ”_

Yoochun clenched his jaw as the (admittedly amazing) voices filled his ears. “Please…stop…”

Junsu paused his activities to stare at Yoochun with wide puppy-eyes. Yoochun averted his gaze, knowing that Junsu’s expression may have seemed innocent (so purely, amazingly, gloriously innocent), but evil lurked within. “Aww,” the younger exclaimed, “but it’s just like the old days! Us singing our old songs - ”

“No,” Yoochun said flatly.

Junsu pouted (Yoochun was not going to look, he was not). “But - Yoochun - ”

“I’m telling you, no,” Yoochun sighed. “You’re all acting like crazy people and it’s scaring me - I don’t want to sing our old songs. I don’t want to - ”

“You know what I think?” Yunho interrupted. “I think he has a little issue… _under his skin.”_

Yoochun frowned. “Hyung, what the hell, that doesn’t even make - ”

Familiar music blared through the speakers, and Jaejoong and Yunho immediately began singing.

“…Oh come on,” Yoochun moaned, “not Mirotic.”

It wasn’t as if he wasn’t proud of his past achievements. It was just…well he really wasn’t too fond of anything that resulted in extended periods of having to listen to _them_ (and by ‘them’ he meant the accursed bandmates).

His thoughts were interrupted as the car suddenly swerved to the left - Yoochun let out a loud shriek and clutched onto Junsu. A car erratically whizzed past them (the reason for the swerve), loud laughter echoing behind it.

“Was that _Key?”_

Yunho clenched his jaw tightly - his previous exuberance had evidently vanished. “Dammit!” he growled, “what the hell?! Is Key out of his - ”

Another car rushed at them from the other side - the occupants of the car simultaneously screamed, and Yunho jerked the car to the other side. From the car that barrelled past them, a voice sounding suspiciously like Kangin’s could be heard yelling, _“when I said we’d never see those psychopaths again, I didn’t mean for you to copy them!”_

The four DBSK members sat silently, breathing heavily.

Junsu let out a small whimper. “Is it over - ?”

_…Aaaaaand_ another car rushed at them from behind. Yunho screamed and jerked the car again, this time sending it spinning (and it was a good thing that there was no one else on the road, because - well, that would be bad).

“Sorry!” Heechul yelled from the offending vehicle. “Missing out on all the fun, gotta run!”

The car sped off.

Yunho breathed heavily. “That’s _it!”_ he growled. “We are going to _destroy_ them!”

And so began the next Korean War.

…

All that could be heard were screams.

With their windows all pulled down, the two Super Junior and SHINee cars swerved violently, as the occupants (mainly the drivers) shouted insults that would have made their management wet themselves if they’d heard.

_“DIE BITCHES!”_ Key shrieked.

_“GO TO HELL!”_ Leeteuk yelled back. _“MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! YOU IDIOTS DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE - ”_

_ “CAN IT GRANDPA!” _

_ “OH FUCK YOU!” _

_ “PEDOFILIA!” _

“What?! I didn’t mean it like that - _BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A SPRING CHICKEN?! YOUR GETTING **OLD** KIM KIBUM!”_

_ “WELL I’M STILL YOUNGER THAN YOU…GRANDPA!” _

Everyone else looked on in disbelief.

…Well, everyone who wasn’t Heechul.

“Smash him with your car Leeteuk!” Heechul eagerly exclaimed from the other vehicle.

_“NO!”_ everyone (everyone who wasn’t Leeteuk, Key or Heechul) simultaneously screamed. Leeteuk, while he didn’t attempt to murder Key as Heechul had suggested, did something almost as bad - he reached out of the window. Key mirrored this action (no, they were not preparing to lovingly hold hands).

The two grappled around, attempting to reach for the other’s heads and yank the _hell_ out of each other’s hair.

“Dammit!” Kangin exclaimed. “Pull your hand back in _right now_ \- and _dammit_ if you can’t drive this thing, _give me the goddamn wheel!”_

It was that moment when (as had occurred a scary amount of times that day) a car whizzed right through them, sending all three cars swerving. As the car zoomed past, a laugh of exultation could be heard echoing in its wake - a laugh that sounded _suspiciously_ like Yunho’s.

“…The fuck?” Eunhyuk muttered.

…

“Oh Jaejoong! Harder!”

“This is as hard as it’s going to get Yunho!”

“I don’t believe you! I have faith that you could do so much better - _AH!”_

“You _said_ you want it harder!”

“I know - it’s just so _solid!_ And don’t forget, you are on top of my - ”

“Why do you _both_ need your foot on the accelerator?!”

Both Yunho and Jaejoong briefly turned around at Yoochun’s interruption; both their foots remained firmly planted on the accelerator (and seeing as the car was whizzing forward into nothingness, it would probably be safer if Yunho _kept his eyes on the road)._

“We’re making this car go to its full potential,” Jaejoong explained.

“Put your foot down harder Jaejoong!” Yunho frantically growled. “We’re slowing down!”


	20. Minho Loses His Pants

“I always thought I’d die old and wrinkled, yet wholly fulfilled.”

Changmin closed his eyes, deciding that processing whatever the hell Kyuhyun had been trying to say _really_ wasn’t worth it.

“…and yet here I am,” the maknae continued, “about to die without ever having had se - ” He paused abruptly, lowering his gaze to the floor.

Minhos’ eyes gleamed. “Go on…”

“…Without ever having had se _vered_ my…enemies…foot…”

Changmin lifted his gaze and stared at his friend (yes…Kyuhyun had lost it).

Kyuhyun avoided his gaze.

Minho laughed loudly (and a little _too_ enthusiastically). “Oh, that was _so_ not what you were going to say!” He jeered. “You were _totally_ going to say that you’d never had _sex!”_

_“You_ are my enemy Minho!” Kyuhyun snarled.

Changmin sighed loudly. “Kyuhyun…is there a _point_ to this?!”

“Yes!” Kyuhyun retorted hotly. “I’m going to die - and you know why?! Because Sungmin isn’t coming to get us!”

Minho’s look of glee rapidly faded. _“Why_ would you say something like that?!” he demanded.

“Because,” Kyuhyun spat, “look at us! This game has _ruined_ us! Torn us to shreds from the inside-out! After all that, does it make sense for us to escape so easily?! _Does it?!”_

_“Easily?!”_ Minho snarled. _“EASILY?!_ Everyone in SM _HATES_ me!” Minho took a loud, shuddering breath, his fists clenched tightly. “The loveable ‘SM family’ crap will continue…but from this day on, _I’ll_ be bloody _DISOWNED!"_

Changmin rolled his eyes. “You’re being a little overly dramatic, aren’t you?”

_“NO! EVERYONE LITERALLY **HATES** ME!”_

“We’re never going home,” Kyuhyun muttered, repeating his earlier statement.

“That’s _IT!”_ Minho growled. “Someone is dying here and it _WON’T_ be me!”

“I _JUST_ said we’re all - ”

_“Right!”_ Changmin loudly cut them off. “Time for Minho’s dare!”

In response, Minho let out a loud moan of anguish (he’d decided that there was no point in hiding his pain - or as Kyuhyun would say, “wimpiness” - when everyone knew his life was crumbling apart before his eyes).

Kyuhyun’s eyes flashed excitedly (because yes, his life sucked, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as Minho’s). “My strength has returned!”

“Oh sweet lord, just kill me now,” Minho moaned. “I should get immunity! I mean, I’ve suffered the most out of all of us!”

Changmin raised one eyebrow. “Do you want to lose?”

“…I need new friends.”

Changmin decided to ignore him (Kyuhyun, on the other hand, could be heard muttering, “I’m the best you’ll ever get”), and got straight to the point. “Get naked and then climb that tree.”

There was an awkward pause.

“…Excuse me?”

Kyuhyun let out a loud _(loud)_ snort of laughter.

“I said - ”

“I _heard_ you!” Minho snapped, cutting Changmin off. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I am _not_ stripping in the middle of a forest! What if someone _sees?!”_

“Minho loses,” Kyuhyun told Changmin.

“Oh shut _up_ Kyuhyun!” Minho snarled.

Changmin sighed loudly…seriously, sometimes he felt like his friends were two bratty kids…it made him terrified of parenthood (of course, many people - cough, cough, Yunho - probably felt the same way about him…not that they would ever _tell_ him, because of course Changmin would high-note their ears off).

“He’s right,” Changmin told Minho. “If you don’t do this, you lose.”

Minho clenched his jaw. “I don’t lose if there isn’t anyone to _witness_ my loss…”

Changmin and Kyuhyun stared.

“Oh for gods - _fine!”_ Minho stood up abruptly. He reached for his shirt, his fingers lingering on the top button. “…Seriously, you can’t be a _little_ nicer?”

Changmin sighed. “Fine”.

_“Changmin!”_ Kyuhyun snapped. “Don’t go all soft on me! You’ll bring shame to the evil-maknae name!”

“You can just take your pants off,” Changmin told Minho, choosing to ignore Kyuhyun. “…And your underwear,” he added a moment later.

“Yes,” Minho snorted, “because that’s _so_ much better.”

“Or you can be completely in the nude - make up your mind.”

_“Fine!”_ Minho lowered his hands from his shirt, and reached for his pants. In one fluid motion he pulled them down, and then awkwardly started to pull his underwear off.

That’s when the reality of the situation caught up with Kyuhyun.

“…Yeah, no,” he said loudly.

“I’m sorry?” Minho asked, raising on eyebrow.

“I can’t watch this!” Kyuhyun declared, turning away abruptly. “Changmin…no. Just…just change the dare!”

Changmin stared. “What?”

“Minho - his genitals - _no.”_ Kyuhyun let out a loud shudder. He then paused and shot Changmin an odd look. “Wait, you’re not disturbed? Don’t tell me you’re actually _enjoying_ this?!”

“Of course not!” Changmin retorted. “I’m just making sure he goes through with the dare!”

“Give him something else, this is horrible!” Kyuhyun shot back. “It never occurred to me that _we_ would be seeing him with - _oh sweet lord, you’re actually climbing the tree?!”_

It was a Shawol’s paradise…and Kyuhyun's worst nightmare.

“Do you know how _cold_ it is?!” Minho gritted out, his hands frantically grappling for the tree branches.

Changmin sighed loudly. “Oh for god’s sake, we are all men Kyuhyun - stop freaking out!”

“Kyuhyun’s the biggest wimp,” Minho stated, smirking slightly (although in reality, he REALLY wasn’t in any position to do so).

“Oh shut up Minho!” Kyuhyun growled. “You’re dick is tiny!”

“How would you know?!” Minho snorted. “You won’t even look!”

“Do you _want_ me to?!”

“I - ” Minho paused, and then his tone shifted to one of panic. “Oh shit, someone’s coming!” He tried to hide behind a nearby wad of leaves, but nearly toppled to the ground. As he frantically tried to regain his balance, he cried, “I climbed the tree - can I _please_ come down now?!”

“Yeah, sure,” Changmin, who was currently preoccupied with Kyuhyun, responded. “Jesus Kyu, you are actually pathetic,” he muttered to the other maknae.

“They’re coming in this direction!” Minho cried, cutting off any scathing remark Kyuhyun was about to make. “And - oh sweet _lord_ , are they waving to us?!” He squinted in panic. “What are they - _SUNGMIN-HYUNG?!”_

_“WHAT?!”_ Kyuhyun’s eyes (previously burning with intense rage at the insult to his amazingly-evil-manliness), lit up in excitement. “Sungmin’s here?! _Yes!_ We’re finally getting out!”

“Oh Jesus!” Minho whimpered, his eyes widening in horror. _“Where is the branch?!”_

“Something wrong?” Changmin questioned, and no, he was not trying to be cruel - it was a genuine question (…okay, there was a bit of cruelty in there…just a little bit).

“I can’t find the next goddamn branch!” Minho cried. “I need to get down!”

"Hey Minho - is that you?" came the sound of Sungmin's voice. 

_“Get me down!”_ Minho wailed.

“Sungmin!” Kyuhyun cried, running in the direction of his fellow bandmate, and leaving Minho to fend for himself.

“Dammit Kyuhyun _, help me!”_ Minho yelled. “Changmin - ”

Changmin stood awkwardly at the base of the tree, his hands grasping Minho’s pants.

Kyuhyun, in the meanwhile, was now standing face to face with Sungmin. _“God_ did you take your time!” he cried, but his voice was filled with nothing but sheer jubilation. “Thank god! You didn’t tell anyone did you?”

Sungmin blinked. “…Um…”

_“MOTHER OF GOD!”_ Minho shrieked. _“WHY ARE THERE **FOUR** CARS?!”_

“…By the way,” Sungmin coughed, “why is Minho in a tree?”

“That’s it!” Minho frantically cried. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” With those words, he readied himself to leap gracefully to the ground (which was nice in theory, but obviously his fall would be anything but).

Changmin’s eyes widened. “Wait, Minho, the branch is - ”

There was a loud thud.

“…Are you alright?!”

Minho let out a pained whimper. “I can’t feel my arm…oh sweet lord, why is it always THAT arm…?”

Sungmin glanced over at the sound and his eyes widened. “Where are Minho’s pants?!” he demanded, his cheeks turning pink.

Kyuhyun, however, was preoccupied with matters of greater concern than his best friend’s health. “…Oh my god.”

“My pants!” Minho pleaded. _“GIVE ME MY PANTS!”_

_“OH MY GOD!”_

Yes…things had certainly descended into…more chaos than before.

Changmin glanced over to the direction where Kyuhyun was frantically pointing at (or rather, frantically hand-spasming at).

“Oh for gods - Changmin!” Minho cried in frustration. “My pants!”

"Jesus _christ,_ how many _are_ there?!" Kyuhyun cried.

Changmin sprinted over to where his fellow-maknae was, leaving Minho to wallow in his misery alone,

“Wha - _no!”_ Minho howled.

“What is - _oh sweet lord!”_ Changmin exclaimed, when he caught sight of what Kyuhyun had been staring at.

Rushing towards them was a swarm of crazed band members - and Jesus, was that Jaejoong he could see leading the group? No, of course not, that would be _crazy_ …wait, a second…

“That’s _Jaejoong-hyung!_ What is he _doing_ here?!”

“How many people did you _tell?!”_ Kyuhyun demanded, glaring furiously at Sungmin.

Sungmin stared at the stampede of SM and past-SM idols, and his eyes widened slightly as Jaejoong was flung to the ground by Key (who seemed to be in a maddened craze to reach them first).

“Wow, Key just does not play fair, does he?” he muttered.

_“KEY’S HERE?!”_ Minho shrieked.


	21. In Which It All Draws to a Close

“They look intense,” Kyuhyun muttered, staring at the enormous crowd in front of him. “Do you think they found out about the game?”

 _“Changmin!”_ Jaejoong shrieked. “You aren’t on drugs, are you?!”

Utterly dumfounded at the sight of his long-lost bandmate, these words were lost upon Changmin. Instead, he simply gaped, as the chaos continued around him.

“Dammit Jaejoong!” Yunho hissed. “I thought we agreed that he wasn’t?!”

“Well I’m sorry!” Jaejoong snapped indignantly. “I mean, you almost gave me a _heart attack - ”_

Heechul smirked. “So who’s bottoming?”

Yesung let out a loud groan (while the two maknaes continued to stare in bewilderment). “Can we _please_ not talk about this?!”

“Maknae,” Leeteuk cooed, smiling at Kyuhyun, “never feel scared to talk to me - ”

“Oh this is so emotional!” Junsu sniffed, tears pooling from his eyes (and, for once, the power of Junsu was irrelevant - everyone was far too consumed by the chaos).

“It’s horrific, that’s what it is,” Eunhyuk muttered.

_“HOW COULD YOU HURT MY BABY?!”_

…That was Key, in case anyone hadn’t caught on.

“This is madness - ”

“ - if everyone doesn’t - ”

“ - going to - ”

“ - thought I saw a bright light, and then realised that it was just Key’s headlight’s rushing at us  - ”

“…On second thought, I don’t know what they found out, but I don’t think it was the game,” Kyuhyun muttered.

“Jaejoong-hyung, Yoochun-hyung, Junsu-hyung… _what_ are you doing here?!” Changmin choked, his eyes wide.

“Trying to stop you from doing something you’ll severely regret!” Jaejoong responded fiercely.

Yoochun gritted his teeth. _“We already established that he isn’t on drugs!”_

“Yes, but, he is doing disturbing things with Minho,” Yunho pointed out, almost offhandedly.

Changmin paled. _“Excuse_ me?!” he spluttered. “I’m sorry - _what?!_ And…oh god, I can’t believe all of you are _here - ”_ He shook his head, torn about what he should do. On any other occasion he would have hugged them but right now…well, he was more than a bit disturbed.

“Everyone is here…” Kyuhyun mumbled, voicing one of Changmin’s many inner thoughts.

“Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk chose that moment to run over, his eyes wide and frantic. “You haven’t done anything you’ll regret, have you?!” he shrieked.

“Huh?” Kyuhyun blinked and took a step backwards. “What does that even _mean?!”_

Every other member gathered around him. Kyuhyun, not for the first time, found himself wishing he was a member (preferably the eldest member) of a smaller group.

“I hope you’re happy,” Kangin told him bluntly. “You’ve pretty much destroyed this band. I see us disbanding _very_ soon.”

Kyuhyun stared.

“Don’t listen to him,” Leeteuk soothed. “He’s crazy.”

 _“…I’m_ crazy?!” Kangin spluttered.

“Basically,” Heechul took over, seeing that the group’s unofficial umma and appa looked ready to have yet another lover’s spat, “while you were gone, everyone got a bit fucked up - Siwon’s now a major YG fan, Leeteuk’s insane, Kangin has anger management problems - well, more so than usual -, Eunhyuk and Donghae are in an established relationship - ”

“Um, what?” Donghae whispered.

“ - Yesung’s touching philtrum’s more than usual and…oh yeah, Ryeowook’s plotting to brutally slaughter us all!”

Ryeowook beamed.

“And I, as usual, am totally fabulous,” Heechul finished, nodding proudly at his synopsis.

“Enough chit chat!” Key growled, marching forward purposefully. _“Where_ is Minho?!” Key reached over to grab Kyuhyun by the collar and shake him. When he saw the murderous look Leeteuk was giving him, he realised that even he, the amazing Kim Kibum, was not indestructible, and settled for planting his hands on his hips as sassily as he could.

Changmin’s eyes flickered down to the pants he was holding and he immediately paled.

“Oh crap…” he muttered.

Key’s eyes flickered to the side and widened as he caught sight of Minho. _“MINHO!”_ he roared, hurrying over.

Minho paled and buried himself under the heavy pile of leaves. He silently prayed that the tree would fall on him and put him out of his misery.

“Now listen to me you little toad,” Key hissed, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Taemin is here so I want _sheer utter devotion_ you hear me?! If I even hear a _hint_ of what you were doing alone in this forest with those little whores - ”

“I’m sorry, did he just call us _little whores?”_ Changmin muttered in disbelief.

“ - you will die.”

Minho squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he wished hard enough the tree would fall on Key - oh yes, that would be amazing…

“Minho-hyung!” Taemin cried, running over. “I was really worried!”

Key looked at Minho pointedly. “Yes, he was _worried_ about what you were doing with _those two.”_ He gestured at the bewildered Kyuhyun and Changmin. “Reassure him Minho.”

“Wha - _what do you think I was doing?!”_ Minho yelled.

“What does he think we were doing?” Kyuhyun asked cluelessly.

“Oh Kyu, you don’t need to worry about that!” Leeteuk soothed, patting his shoulder comfortingly. “I trust you fully - ”

“About _what?!”_ Kyuhyun cut him off. “What have I done?!”

Changmin snorted. “What _haven’t_ you done?”

“Hyung!” Taemin protested, his cheeks tinged pink. “I’m not…I don’t care…”

“There’s nothing _to_ care about!” Minho retorted. _“I haven’t done anything!”_ And as he spat those furious, indignant words, the world decided there was still an ounce of his dignity left that needed to be destroyed.

The leaves shifted.

Minho’s bare behind came into view.

Key _screamed._

There was the sound of thundering footsteps as everyone came running over in one frantic huddle.

“Oh god!” Donghae cried, when he saw what the commotion was. “Is that - ?”

“Wow…” Eunhyuk muttered, his eyes wide.

Leeteuk turned to Kyuhyun, his eyes wide, and wielding a wounded expression. _“I said I trusted you!”_ he wailed.

Jaejoong let out a series of splutters and stared at Changmin. “Young man - ”

Silently, Changmin couldn’t help but wonder why the _hell_ he harm missed this.

“Changmin, how could you?!” Yunho cried.

…Of course, it had never really left…

Kangin clenched his jaw. “If everyone doesn’t stop screaming this _minute - ”_

“Hyung,” Jonghyun hissed to Onew. “Let’s get in the car when they aren’t looking and - ”

_“CHANGMIN IS HOLDING MINHO’S PANTS!”_

…And then there were another series of yells (seriously, all that yelling was going to cause some seriously sore throats - and having every member of Super Junior, DBSK and SHINee unable to sing…well, that would be _bad)._

“Oh for godsake!” Minho moaned. “Shut up!” Of course, no one did - and that was when Minho snapped.

_“SHUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTHS AND LISTEN FOR A SECOND!”_

There was abrupt silence - and Minho, who had leapt to his feet in all his fury, froze in utter horror.

Key robotically reached up and covered Taemin’s eyes.

“Changmin…” Minho choked, his face pale. “My pants…”

Changmin, his eyes averted, awkwardly hand them over.

Minho hurriedly redressed himself, and then took a deep breath. No one was looking at him (except, to his immense horror, Heechul) so he coughed loudly, trying to capture their attention. “So…let’s talk.”

Key shook his head stubbornly. “I really don’t - ”

“Key, shut the fuck up,” Minho said simply.

Key blanched, looking appalled.

Minho continued on, ignoring the offended look on his bandmate’s face. “We were playing truth or dare,” he said. _“Do you understand?!_ All of this is a game - there is no…sex addiction. I am not addicted to _anything of the sort!”_ And Kyuhyun basically admitted that he’s a virgin - ”

 _“What?!”_ Kyuhyun shrieked. “I am _not!”_

“ - so Leeteuk hyung, you have nothing to worry about.”

Leeteuk’s eyes shone, and Kyuhyun continued to yell out protests.

“I am not in love with Taemin,” Minho continued. “Got it? It was a dare - a _dare._ And Key before you open your goddamn hole, Taemin is not in love with me either!”

Taemin hurriedly nodded.

“Changmin never had sex - it was just some porn Yunho. One that _Kyuhyun_ found by the way - and Kyuhyun isn’t suicidal, he’s just a wimp when it comes to heights. I did not have se with Jessica, and I did not have sex with myself - because yes guys, that ‘prostitute’ was _me! IT WAS ALL A GAME!”_

There was a long, drawn out moment of silence.

“…I don’t believe you.”

“OH FOR **_GODS - ”_**

…

(An hour later…)

“ - and so then Minho stripped down naked and climbed the tree.”

“And Kyuhyun acted like a little wuss,” Changmin piped up.

“And Changmin sucked,” Kyuhyun shot back.

Jaejoong squinted at the video playing in front of him. “Is this legit?” he questioned slowly.

“It is,” Yoochun snapped. “Can we _please_ go now? It’s raining.”

Minho sighed miserably. “That’s the hell my life has descended into.”

There was a moment of silence.

Key scowled. “You still played around with Taeminnie’s - ”

“Shut up,” Taemin growled.

Key paled and stared at him in shock. “Taeminnie?!” he whimpered.

Taemin sighed. “I’m sorry hyung,” he said, “but it had to be done. You were out of control!”

Onew and Jonghyun nodded solemnly.

“…Can we go home now?” Changmin coughed. There was silence after that, as everyone got up and awkwardly walked over to where the cars were parked. After all that insanity, no one really knew what they were supposed to do…it was like one of those scarring experiences that you could never really recover from. In most cases you would just run away and never look back…but then, SM’s contracts of doom kind of prevented them from doing that so…that wasn’t an option.

Kyuhyun leaned over to Changmin and Minho. “What the freaking hell made them think we were…doing _that?”_ he hissed.

‘They’re madmen I tell you,” Minho muttered blankly. “Completely insane.”

“Yeah,” Changmin agreed. “It was all them. We had nothing to do with this.”

There was a pensive silence.

“Oh well…” The maknae’s shoulder’s slumped. “It’s over. The game is over.”

Although, Minho still had a company of murderous women to deal with - and, well, Changmin and Kyuhyun weren’t exactly exempt from pain. Kyuhyun was faced with overcrowding on a daily basis - overcrowding in a house full of crazy people? A gazillion times worse. And Changmin - poor, poor Changmin. JYJ was back to stay, and with them, Jaejoong’s psychotic hysteria.

Yes…they’d left the game but the game would never, ever, ever ( _ever_ ) leave them.

“Hey, Minho told them about the game!” Kyuhyun exclaimed. “Minho lost! He _lost!”_

“Shut up Kyuhyun,” both Minho and Changmin snapped.

THE END

**...**

**AN:**

**Okay, finally finished posting all these chapters!**

**...Now I need to get around to uploading the sequel at some point.**

**But yeah, for those of you who actually enjoyed this insane mess, I had started a sequel called "The Importance of Being Evil" which you can find on asianfanfics.com, if you can't be bothered to wait until I post it here. It's about 12 chapters long currently, and is still unfinished...and to be honest, will probably stay that way for quite a long time but...you might enjoy what I've written so far.**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


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